Dads Share Their Best “Don’t Tell Your Mom” Stories

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Dads are the best! They teach us things like driving, how to play sports and sometimes, how to fight. But they’re also notoriously known for screwing things up and asking their kids not to let their female counterparts know about said screw up. Whether it’s allowing their children to watch shows they shouldn’t, letting them skip school to watch baseball games or taking the fall for them when something bad happens, the dads in our stories are all pros.

If you’d like to find out some of the scariest, funniest and most awesome “don’t tell mom” stories, keep reading!

 

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40. My First Steps

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When I was born, my mom had postpartum depression that triggered other mental illnesses in her. She spent a long time in a mental hospital, and apparently, I took my first steps while she was away in the hospital.

Then one day, when my dad took me to visit her in the hospital, I started walking, and dad pretended that those were my first steps and that she got to witness them. I am sworn to never tell her. I sometimes feel guilty about it, but whatever, it made my mom so happy!

 

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39. Parent’s Love Notes

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My wife or I will write notes and put them in our 9-year-old son’s lunch box most days. One day, my wife’s note was found by a boy named Max in my son’s class and read aloud to his table. Needless to say, my son came home quite embarrassed. Since I’m currently unemployed, I went to have lunch with my son at school the next day.

Towards the end of lunch, he points the boy out to me. We have always preached turning the other cheek, telling the teacher, etc, but something about this kid’s face made all those teachings fly out the window. I told my son “now listen, I’m going to tell you something you can say to him but you cannot tell your mother”. My son replies that he’ll keep our secret, so I give him a pretty mild burn and tell him to use it discretely. Fast forward to that evening and my wife is signing the daily conduct sheet upon which is written: “Your son came into the classroom after lunch and yelled to the entire class that Max’s mother doesn’t send him notes because she doesn’t love him.” He didn’t rat me out to the teacher but I fell on the sword for him at home.

 

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38. That I Almost Died

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My father grew up in the country and was always doing Tom-Sawyer-type stuff. He used to take me to a train bridge where we would precariously meander our way down the hill so that we could get under the bridge on one side of the river. One false move, or if you slipped ducking under the giant I-beam, would cause instant death on the jagged rocks below. We would just hang out and throw rocks into the river until a train would pass over top of us which is an insane rush to many of your senses.

One time specifically, I remember ducking under the I-beam and slipping. My dad kicked into action and he threw me away from the edge by my coat, surely saving me from certain death. He was a great man with a thousand ways to make my mother have a heart attack. He tried most of them and I came out without a scratch. Well, only stitches three times because I didn’t listen to his instructions implicitly.

 

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37. Just An “Owie”

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My wife went on a relaxing “ladies only” holiday with her friends for two weeks. Me and my sons who were 5 and 8 respectively at that time, sent her to the airport. Two hours after we waved goodbye to her, my 8-year-old son managed to drop an entire drawer on his foot and sever his entire little toe.

The doctors weren’t sure if they could save it but they succeeded. By the time my wife got home, our eldest had a bandage around his toe and as far as he was concerned, he’d just had an “owie.” I don’t think she found out until about ten years later when my son said, “Hey, remember when I almost lost my toe while mom was on holiday?” That was a memorable family dinner, to say the least.

 

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36. Fair and Square

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So freshman year of college, I’m texting my dad about how my biology course is going. Out of nowhere, I get the text, in the middle of our conversation“KY on sale at Krogers.” I play it off, don’t say anything and he says wrong person. So, I post it on Facebook for a few likes.

Fast forward six months, I accidentally send my dad a very specific text about pot, what I preferred about each strain, and some technical knowledge on how they must have grown it. I thought it was my friend asking for some info on this most recent batch. All he said was “wrong person,” and I responded with “Remember that KY thing? I won’t tell mom if you don’t.” And he’s never brought it up since.

 

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35. The Missing Kid

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This probably about three years ago. I have two kids and they would have been 5 and 7. I lost 1 of them at a popular amusement park, not for a second, but for over 2 hours! I’m freaking out for over two hours and asked for help from park security. There must have been hundreds of people looking for her for hours.

Turns out, she was riding a kiddie ride over and over and the ride operator just let her because she thought we were nearby. I was planning on leaving the country because I couldn’t find my kid. Yeah, so don’t tell mom. Freaks me out just thinking about that day.

 

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34. Topless Maids

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My dad and I were once watching the news together and there was this story about a local maid crew that worked topless and the city had been trying to shut them down. We looked over at each other, and even though I was probably only 13 at the time, and knew we’d have the house cleaned the next day.

Two attractive ladies came to the house, my dad assured them it was fine, and they did a great job on the house to boot. My mother still doesn’t know thirty years later and brags on about the deep clean on the house that one time.

 

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33. That Mom Cheated

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I have usually thought my parents have had a perfect relationship all my life. My parents never fought in front of us or in general. Me and my brothers asked a few times growing up what their worst fight was. My mom had always said that my dad had said to her “I don’t think Majorjae (me) is my kid” and every time my dad heard this story, he would always say there was one other fight that was much worse. He never went into detail and it was always left at that. My mom never spoke of it either.

One day, my dad talked to me and said, “This stays between you and me, OK? Never tell your mom or your brothers.” “OK, dad.” He ended up telling me about their worst fight. My mom had ended up cheating on him with a roommate sometime after they had gotten married. My dad had told her this: “I’m leaving. Your choice. You can come with me and we put this behind us or you can stay.” This moment has changed my life drastically. Now, I understand why my dad always think that I’m not his kid.

 

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32. New Word. New Trouble.

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When I was three, my dad was giving me a bath and he left for a minute when the phone rang. When he came back, I was underwater with no bubbles coming up. He reached in and grabbed me by the ankle and yanked me out of the tub. I coughed up a lot of water and after he calmed down and I stopped crying he explained that I almost drowned and told me not to tell mom.

Now, I’m no snitch, but I wasn’t the brightest three-year-old, so when my mom came home, I got really excited and told her about the new word I learned. She asked me how I learned what drowning was (hair was still wet), and I looked at my dad, but I could think of anything so I ran upstairs to my room. She figured it out.

 

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31. Dads Are Really Good at Hiding

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When I was about five years old, I was playing hide and seek with my mom and dad. My dad would pick a spot for me to hide and mom would come looking. Dad decided mom would never find me if he opened the window.

Well, next thing you know, my dad put me out onto the roof of the balcony a floor below us, along with “Just stay there, and never say a word.” Not to mention, we’re living in a 3-story apartment house. The good thing is that my mom never found out, so my dad was safe.

 

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30. He’s a Bro-Dad

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When I was fifteen I “borrowed” my mom’s car to pick up a friend who had gotten drunk and ended up in a bad situation with some boys. On the way home, I lost control on some ice and slid into a tree at the entrance of my neighborhood. My mom is terrifying, but thankfully she goes to sleep early, so when I called home, I was relieved my dad answered. He came and pushed the car home, made my friend and I some sandwiches, gave me a lecture about driving without a license and put us to bed.

The next day, he told my mom that he had wrecked the car on an early-morning doughnut run. After that, I never hesitated to call my dad when I needed help, even when I knew doing so might land me in major trouble.

 

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29. Happy Wife, Happy Life!

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My mom was on one of those fad diets ten years ago. She had just complained about not losing any weight on the diet. Then I saw my dad pull a pre-made diet meal from the freezer, one of those that required minimal prep work.

As it was heating in the pan, he poured about a cup of cream into it. I asked if mom knew he was doing that. He said, “Your mom gets a little grumpy when she’s on a diet. This makes us all happier.”

 

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28. Atomic Wedgie. Atomic Fall

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This is not just a don’t tell mom story, but also dad. When I was 12, me and my other bothers were really mad at our brother Tanner, who was eight. We decided to give him an “atomic wedgie” by tying a rope to his belt loop on the back of his shorts, and swinging the rope over a tree branch about 20 feet up. We pulled him up and swung him around for quite a while (he was actually having fun with it, as were we), when we decided to pull him all the way up.

As soon as he got up next to the branch, his pants ripped all the way off and were dangling in this tree. Tanner’s expression went from giggling joy to pure terror as he plummeted 20 feet in his dinosaur underwear. After we calmed him down and made sure he had no broken bones (thankfully), we made sure that nobody would tell our parents. EVER. We buried the rope and his torn up shorts by some bushes in our back yard. My parents still don’t know.

 

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27. Innocent Eyes No More

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My best “don’t tell mom” story was when my dad had a big house party with his bike mates and a stripper. I was about 10. I asked dad if I could watch the lady and he was probably drunk and said: “Don’t tell your mother, she will kill me.” So I watch the stripper and thought she was the most amazing lady in the world.

Later that night, my Dad’s mate, Rat, got into a fight and had a cut above his eye. Dad gets his first aid kit to stitch him up and tells me to run off, but I asked if I could watch. Dad just says, “if your Mom finds out, I am dead.” I never told her until Dad was dead and I was about 29. She laughed but we both know she would have killed him.

 

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26. Ice Cream Sugar Bugs

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One night, I was enjoying a small bit of ice cream after my four-year-old daughter went to bed. She came downstairs and “caught” me. So I offered her a small bite, but since she was supposed to be in bed, I said: “don’t tell mom.” She assured me she wouldn’t. My wife wouldn’t have cared anyway but it was a fun little game to play.

After she went up to bed and I was down on the couch, she snuck into the master bedroom where mom was resting. She told mom that I had let her have some ice cream, and she was afraid of “sugar bugs” so could she please brush her teeth again. My wife just laughed at me the next day. The little brat ratted me out to brush her teeth, something she doesn’t like doing anyway.

 

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25. Dad’s Hustler Subscription

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One day, I get a text message from my dad saying “Your Hustler magazine subscription is here,” but I don’t have a Hustler magazine subscription. A couple of minutes later, I get a call from my mom asking me if I have any magazine subscriptions.

Thinking on my feet, I tell her that since I was about to move, I had all my magazine subscriptions changed to their house so there wasn’t a chance they would get sent to the wrong house. I also said that I have a Hustler and ESPN subscription (I didn’t really have this, just wanted to make up more types of subscriptions). She said thanks and hung up. I never told my mom it wasn’t mine. And now, every month, I have a Hustler magazine and an ESPN magazine show up that I never subscribed to. Thanks, Dad.

 

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24. The Stroller Incident

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My dad and I needed to go to the mailbox at the end of the street and we took my 8-month-old brother with us. On the way home, I decided to push the stroller. “Dad, let’s race!” I accelerated as I spoke, breaking into a run with the stroller in front of me, baby bubbling with glee. My dad is quick, so he caught up in no time.

Suddenly, the stroller’s front left wheel fell off the curb, and the entire tot-vehicle toppled over, little brother rolling out onto the pavement. What scared me most was how silent the baby was. My dad got my brother, corrected the stroller, and placed the baby back in. He was visibly unscathed. We walked forward a few paces before my dad turned, pointed a finger in my face, and said, “Don’t you ever, EVER tell your mother about this.” She’s the only one who doesn’t know the story.

 

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23. Oh No! The Memories!

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I was 11 or 12, and we were moving; dad and I were going through the attic, bringing things downstairs to either pack up or burn (we lived in the middle of nowhere and it was cheaper than getting a dumpster). Dad hands me a couple of boxes and says they’re for the burn pile. I drop one of them and say, “Dad, why do we have a box full of old newspapers anyway?”

His eyes go wide, he comes over to take a closer look and realizes what was in this box was the newspaper with their wedding announcement along with my mother’s wedding dress. Nearly 20 years later she still has no idea.

 

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22. That Mom is a Bad Cook

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About a year ago, I came home for Christmas. My mother is a notoriously bad cook, but she had her heart set on making the big Christmas dinner. The day of, the house was absolute madness. I took advantage of that to sneak out. I snuck away to Jack in the Box (the only place open) to get something that would make choking down mom’s food a bit easier. And who do I see in front of me at the drive-thru? My dad.

We make eye contact, and for a brief moment we both had the “Oh God! I’m caught” deer-in-the-headlights look before we each realize that we were both guilty. We sat on the curb and talked a bit before he pulled a couple of beers from his trunk. Best bonding time I’ve probably had with him.

 

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21. Now, That Was a Bad Toss

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I was doing the typical “dad tossing the baby in the air” thing when my daughter was about six months old. She was into it, I was into it, so we were seeing how high we could go. I bounced her head off the 10-foot ceiling, and then almost didn’t catch her because I was so startled by the thump of the impact.

I caught her by one leg, upside down. That was the last toss of the night for sure, but she was having a great time. She hadn’t laughed that hard in her whole life to that point, but I told her not to tell mom about it. Meanwhile, I’m having a heart attack on the floor realizing how close I’d just come to damaging my kid.

 

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20. Mom, What is  A Carpet Muncher?

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Dad let us watch South Park when my brother and I were 10, thinking it was just a cartoon. He realized too late that the content was a bit too mature for our innocent minds, but was just like “screw it” and let us finish watching the show.

Though he didn’t outright tell us not to tell our mom (who was out shopping at the time), it was implied that it was something that we didn’t necessarily have to talk to her about. Anyhow, it was the episode in which Stan starts falling for his lesbian substitute teacher. When my mom came home, I asked her what a carpet muncher was. Dad got in trouble.

 

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19. Sorry, Mom

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My dad lost his job, and when he got another he still wasn’t making what he used to. My dad and I loved to go to the casino. We wouldn’t spend a ton of cash but would play slots or video poker, and just hang out. He knew mom wouldn’t approve of him spending money so we used to say we were going to play pool.

After he died, my mom called me in tears. She told me she found dad’s wallet cleaning the house and it had $1100 in it. That is was his way or making sure she was taken care of when he was gone. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she found his gambling stash.

 

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18. When Your Parents Don’t Know How to Facebook

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I went home drunk one day and my dad came up to me and said: “Come here, I have to talk to you.” I obviously got paranoid and thought I was about to get a stern talking to. He proceeded to tell me about how he “accidentally” clicked on a Facebook post with a naked woman on it and it reposted on his account and he didn’t know how to remove it.

It was one of those “You Won’t Believe What Happened To This Teen!” posts with a picture of a girl on all fours, bare bottom pointed at the camera. I showed him how to delete a post and he told me not to tell my mom. I assume he knew I was drunk but needed my help too much to say anything.

 

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17. Big Ole Swig of Beer

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I’m at home, hanging out with my two-year-old daughter while mom is at work. I’m drinking a beer and set it down for a second to go to the bathroom. My daughter is really smart for her age and knows not to touch things that aren’t hers, but I guess leaving the beer just out of reach made it too tempting to her.

So she grabs her chair, puts it under the dresser I had set it on, and climbs up and grabs my beer. I come back in the room just as she’s taking a big ole swig. She hated the taste and spit it out instantly, but I will never tell my wife about that one. To this day my daughter refers to the beer as “my icky.”

 

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16. Enjoy Your Trip

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It was the summer before my daughter’s last year at college. They were going to be on a month long road trip around America and the night before they were about to leave, I was sitting in my recliner reading the paper as always.

After everyone else had turned in for the night, it was just me and my daughter. I motioned her over and pulled out an envelope I had hidden. I looked at her over my reading glasses and said “Don’t tell your mother about this” as I handed her the envelope filled with money that she could use to have fun for her trip. If her mother knew I gave her pocket money, she would’ve been really mad.

 

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15. That was so Awww-inspiring!

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I once wondered why Dad was spending so much time away from home when he was off work. He always used to be home reliably when work got out. Then one day, I noticed his truck parked on a more rural road not far from a friend’s house. What I discovered was that he was back there in a wood mill type place, using a wood-splitter machine to cut logs into different sizes.

He made me promise not to tell mom that he was earning extra money doing this part-time work to save up money to take her on an anniversary trip she had dreamed of, but which he couldn’t afford on the salary from his regular job. I gave him a BIG hug, and kept that secret. And what a trip they had – I don’t think I had ever seen mom so happy!

 

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14. Impulse Buying

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When I was young, my mom would sometimes visit her mother for a week or so by herself. When she left, my father took us “impulse shopping” at the grocery store and we would live for the week on whatever my dad, my brother and I picked out. I remember subsisting on liverwurst, gummy bears, candies, chips etc.

My dad would also make me ice cream “pancakes” for breakfast. He’d put ice cream on a pan and flatten it out, and then pull it out of the (turned off) oven just as I would come down for breakfast. Dads are the best, but if they were entirely in charge of nutrition we’d all have diabetes and other health issues.

 

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13. Daddy-Daughter Ice Cream Time

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I would take my daughter to karate classes (we both attended them) every Wednesday. It was a long, 2-hour class, and sometimes she just didn’t feel up to going but didn’t want to tell mom.

So a few times, we’d get dressed up to go, and then just hit DQ for some ice cream and drive around listening to music until we headed back home. I felt kind of guilty about not telling the wife, but it was good daughter/dad time. She is going off to college and you just can’t get time back.

 

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12. Guess What Kid?

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My dad and I got some pretty sweet gas powered RC cars for Christmas. I was 13 at the time, and I mentioned to my father “Dad, It would be really awesome if we took some wood and made a ramp off the back of the truck.” So my father’s response? “Let’s wait until your mother’s gone for work.” Fast forward 20 minutes, mom’s gone off to work. And we’ve set up the holy mother of all RC ramps up the back of the truck and were launching these RC cars over the house.

Both of us found it really hilarious, until I messed up and didn’t hit the jump fast enough’ I ended up sending it through the window. Dad’s response as he looks at his watch. “Guess what kid? You’re going to learn how to replace a window today before your mom gets home.” Six hours later, I received one of the many life lessons from my Dad. He was such a cool dad, and I miss him so much.

 

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11. Rolling in the De-e-ep.. Into the Mud

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My dad and I did this sort of thing on a two-person ATV crossing through a mud pit. The front end flipped up and the quad tipped over on to the both of us. Luckily, the mud was so soft that my father and the ATV simply squished me deep into the mud with no injury.

When he finally got the quad off of us, I was almost completely submerged. For a while, I thought I would suffocate. In the end, he dug me out, we were both covered in mud, we laughed, and he said “Hehe. Let’s not tell your mom.” That trip is one of my fondest memories.

 

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10. Ride That Meat Pony

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I was just sitting in my room playing some video games one night when I heard my dad yelling “WOOO! Ride that meat pony!”. Confused, I walked out into the living room to see my dad watching adult videos on the TV.

I never told mom about it and the phrase “Ride that meat pony” has stuck with me ever since. But the best one was when my dad downloaded the Anchorman movie for us to watch. When he started it up to make sure it worked, it was an adult version using Anchorman characters.

 

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9. Good Luck Finding It, Mom!

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My mother was somewhat of a hoarder. She saved everything because “you never know what could be turned into a project.” Our garage would get so full of crap that you could hardly walk through it. So annually, my mother would go on this work-related retreat, and as her car was turning the corner and out of sight, a dumpster would be getting dropped off in our driveway.

For an entire day, my dad (giddy and covered in sweat) would be hauling out who knows what and tossing it. My mother, of course, would immediately know things were missing and go absolutely ape. We’d spend the next few months afterward with her asking, “Did you throw (insert random item here) away too!!?” And my dad would look at us with, “Keep your frigging mouths shut” eyes and reply, “Oh no dear, we wouldn’t have tossed that out. It’s probably still in the garage somewhere.” Occasionally, my mom would go look to see for herself. Good luck finding it.

 

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8. Doctor’s Appointment

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When I was ten years old, my dad came to my school before noon and told the principal that I had a doctor’s appointment. I had no idea he was coming at all, and seeing him in my class was a bit of a shock. He then told my teacher I have to go to the doctor’s, and I actually believe we had to go.

We ended up going to a baseball game for the whole afternoon. My mom was out of town for a couple of days and my dad told me to never tell her that he got me to play hookey from school. That was 25 years ago and still haven’t told her.

 

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7. Facephoned

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This is more of a “I’m not gonna tell my wife” story. My wife was in the shower and I was a brand new dad with a crying baby. I decided if he was crying he was probably hungry. My son was maybe 1 month old, so, I was holding him as he was drinking a bottle of formula. At the time, one of my siblings called to talk to me on my cell, and I answered.

Since I was holding my new baby and was on the phone, I had the phone perched in between my head and my shoulder. For some reason, the phone slipped from that position and fell straight onto my son’s face and he started screaming. She came running out of the shower to see what had happened to make him scream. My reply “I don’t know, I was just feeding him and he started to scream.” I’m taking this to the grave!

 

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6. Perks of Having a Surgeon for A Dad

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I was out deep sea fishing with my dad when I was about 12 and we were going for tuna and marlin about 70 miles offshore. I was rigging up one of our bigger trolling lures that had a hook about 3″ long when I slipped and it hooked me on my hand between my index finger and thumb. The barb went into the muscle but not all the way through.

He got me up and said “Well, we have two options. We can go in and get it taken care of or I can push it through, cut it off, and we keep fishing.” We were about three hours from shore so I said: “Do it.” He was a surgeon so I trusted him. He gave me something to bite down on as he grabbed my hand. He said “Okay. 1 – 2…” looked me in the eyes and said calmly “don’t tell your mother” then did it. It hurt a ton. He cut the barb, pulled it slowly out and dressed the wound with our first aid kit. We caught a few excellent fish and went in four hours later. Best decision ever.

 

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5. You Can Run But You Can’t Hide

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Once I looked at my dad and said: “I know how to make a smoke bomb.” He replied, “prove it.” We were cooking it and he cranked heat up. The thing exploded, welded the tuna can we were cooking it onto the elements on our stove. The amount of smoke and light made the place look like a rave. He looked and me and said, “you sweep and clean, I’ll get this can off the element.”

After we’d cleaned up he said: “Take the car and go!” I got a call from my mom hours later. We hadn’t realized the knobs on the stove had melted. We tried to get away with it but ended up in the dog house/grounded. Live and learn.

 

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4. That Huge Smile, Though!

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I was driving home with my 15-year-old son (no learners permit or any training) past a parking lot full of ice and my 4wd truck when the idea of “What a great time to teach him how to drive on ice” came to me. After 30 minutes of letting him make donuts and pretty much destroying my tires, we headed home. Before getting out of the truck, I warn “don’t tell your mother” and he nods yes.

We walk into the house and she asks “What took so long?” and he runs out of the room with his eyes down with a huge smile on his face… the jig was up. I guess the really good “don’t tell your mom” stuff is going to have to wait a few more years.

 

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3. It’s Raining Popcorn!

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I was making popcorn over the stove for the first time. While removing the cardboard top I unsecured the foil that is supposed to keep the kernels inside. It was a warzone, popcorn flying everywhere and my daughter was using a pillow as a shield and I was behind the counter.

At the end of it, there was butter and popcorn everywhere. My wife is a neat freak and would lose her mind if she found out the mess we had made. She is okay with small messes but this was a lot. Even my 4-year-old daughter at the time was in a panic trying to pick up.

 

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2. Butt-Holed Wall

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My brother and I were wrestling when we were kids. It was Christmas time and our tree was up. I pushed him to the wall right next to the tree and to our surprise his butt went completely through the wall, leaving a 1-foot hole. We were terrified we wouldn’t get any presents once our parent’s had seen what we had done.

So we moved the tree over a foot and blocked the hole. We figured by the time they took the tree down and saw it, our toys would be long nonreturnable. It worked. And as my dad was a carpenter, we found out patching a hole in the wall isn’t that big of a deal. My dad fixed it and just laughed.

 

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1. A Bronco Bump

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When I was 15, I used to skateboard up and down my street from the time I got home from school until I went to work. One day, my dad met me at the end of the road coming home from his job, and told me to grab onto the bumper of his 1993 Bronco. I held it for a bit but at around 20 MPH I started to lose control, and the wobble was too hard to handle. I was just wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and I destroyed my forearms and legs.

I was scabbed up for quite a while, and my mom never knew that it was because I was pulled behind the car. I told her I went down a nearby hill too fast and lost control. My dad wrote me a couple of sick notes for my silence, and I got to stay home from school, and bullshit for a couple of days.

Hassan Washington

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