Kids say the darndest things! It’s a fact that most adults know, and yet still, lots of them seem to forget. How do we know? Because kids see and hear EVERYTHING! Especially the things they’re not supposed to. And if you haven’t experienced it for yourself, we have more than a few stories that’ll zap some child-friendly language and scenery right into your brain.
So, if you’d like to read about some of the shocking, funny and crazy things that daycare workers and school teachers have heard, just scroll down.
40. Oh, God!
So I worked in a day nursery for about four or so years, and I will never forget the day that a 3-year-old piped up during a conversation about religion (it was around Christmas time, so we were covering what religions have what festival/gods, etc.) and announced that her mommy loved God very much and prayed to him a lot at night.
Without even thinking, we asked how does she pray, and she responded “Oh my god, oh god, yes I am so close,” and that she thought it was sweet, she felt so close to god. I miss this kid.
39. Daddy’s Not So Secret Secrets
One little girl, around age three, once told me that, “Daddy has to sleep on the couch because he likes to drink and has sleepovers with lots of girls.”
She’s very open and tells everyone when her dad has to sleep on the couch. The whole school knows that the dad is a jerk and his wife only stays with him for his money. It’s pretty sad how much she knows about her parents’ relationship.
38. The Mom and Her Boyfriends
I used to teach second grade and heard some pretty interesting things. So, this little boy’s mom lived with different boyfriends, and often they’d fight and break up with him as a witness. He would often come to school upset because his mom told him they were moving as he got on the bus, and he might not have a home to go home to.
One time, the little boy said, “Last night mama and her boyfriend were arguing. But this morning I went to kiss her goodbye and they were naked in bed together, so I guess everything’s OK.”
37. Mommy’s Balloon Popped
My kindergarten class had parent volunteers come in sometimes to help with projects. One mom signed up and came, but the other mother who was supposed to come in called out sick.
At recess, I asked the “sick” mother’s son and said something like, “Hi! I heard your mommy was sick and I hope she feels better. Is she okay?” The boy said, “Yeah, she’s okay, but the balloon in her booby popped and she had to go to the doctor to get it fixed.” Basically, she called out because her breast implant leaked or had some issue.
36. The Snake and Beans
I used to work at a daycare and the cutest little boy said, “I have to go drain my snake.” He told us that’s how his uncle announces he has to go to the washroom.
I also had a kid who would say, “Ow, my beans,” when he hit his crotch on something. It made me laugh so hard. These happened 25 years ago and I’ll never forget them!
35. I See What You Did There, Daddy
My friend is a kindergarten teacher and posted on her Facebook about the time that one of her students was trying to erase a pen on his paper.
When she asked why he was doing that, he replied, “That’s what my daddy does with the cheques we get.” It turned out her dad was committing fraud and forging cheques by erasing the ink somehow and putting in a different amount of money.
34. Daddy Is A Good Pretender
We were having one of those events where parents are invited to watch their kids perform. There was a 7-year-old girl whose father arrived just in time to see her.
I ask her if she’s happy that daddy made it on time. She says, “Eh. I only ever see Daddy when the school has these events, he likes to come so he can pretend he still lives with mommy and me.”
33. Nana and Pop Don’t Know
I’m a daycare worker and one day, a little boy asked me if I wanted to see a picture of their secret brother. I was like, “What? A secret brother?”
He then showed me a picture of an 18ish-year-old looking guy and told me, “Mommy had him when she was too young, so he doesn’t live with us, but we all love him just the same.” And then, “We aren’t allowed to tell nana and pop.”
32. Dad, That’s My Milk
I had a student who, during my lesson on dinosaurs and the difference between herbivores and carnivores, raised his hand while repeating my name over and over again.
I couldn’t proceed without calling on him, so I did. He then goes on to say, “Teacher, don’t you think it’s funny that dad drinks mom’s milk from her BOOBS?!” I was speechless.
31. Maybe They’re Working Out
I’m not a teacher or a daycare worker, but I was a nanny. One time, the 3-year-old asked me, out of the blue, “Why do daddy and mommy always go ‘uuuhhhhh’ after bedtime?”
Obviously, it was a sexy time noises and it took everything I had not to die of laughter. I just said that maybe they were working out.
30. A Little Girl’s Dark Humor
One time, this girl started talking about her older brother. She said, “One time, my brother went swimming and then he drowned.” This was at the beginning of the day, so some parents were still around.
One of the other moms and I look at each other like, “Oh my god, you poor thing.” Then the girl gives me the cheekiest smile and says, “Just kidding!”She’s four years old and she already has a dark sense of humor.
29. The Dad Was Faking It
This literally happened yesterday and although the boy didn’t reveal all of it to us, it was still interesting to find out. My coworkers and I found out that one of our students is a love child.
It turns out his dad lied to his mom about his entire identity – name, job, where he lived, etc. He had a wife and kids that he hid from her! When the mom revealed she was pregnant to the dad, he disappeared and she hired a private investigator to find him. It was insane.
28. A Special Video Only Moms and Dads Could Watch
One of my students had been telling everyone all day that it was his mommy’s birthday that day and that his daddy had bought mommy a special video that only mommies and daddies could watch.
When his dad came to pick him up that day, I told him about it. It turns out that he bought his wife ‘Titanic’ on video for her birthday, and his son asked if he could watch it after nursery school. So naturally, the parents said that it wasn’t really a film for children, it was a film for grown-ups, like mommy and daddy.
27. So, What’s Daddy’s Job?
I once told the kids, “no matter what you do, you need to know math.” One kid responds, “My daddy doesn’t” to which I said, “I’m sure he does. What does your daddy do?” The kid then said, “He steals cars.”
But the most memorable, though, is when another kid told me that his dad worked from home “growing medicine. The fact that he grows those “medicines” isn’t so shocking, but the fact that the kids know about it, is.
26. Hi, Big Papa!
I teach 2-year-olds, and we were asking the kids what their parents’ names were, just to see if they knew. I asked a little boy, “What’s mommy’s name?” He says, “Michelle.” Then I asked, “What’s daddy’s name?”
The kid looks confused, as if he’s trying to figure out the answer, but can’t. So I ask, “What does Mommy call Daddy?” Assuming he would say, John, he looked up at me and says, “Big Papa.” I couldn’t help but bust out laughing.
25. Are You Even Serious, Mom?
I’m a preschool teacher and there was this little boy who told us a while ago that his daddy and mommy don’t go to sleep together and that mommy sleeps in a different bedroom. Then one day, he told us he can’t sleep because they yell all the time.
We decided to bring this up to the mom because the poor kid seemed so tired, even with naps in the middle of the day. All she said was, “Yeah, isn’t it crazy what kids can pick up on?” And just chuckles. Parents don’t ever think that fighting or even the littlest things from their relationships affect their kids.
24. Spanking Shenanigans
I used to work as a religion teacher during the summer and one time, a little boy just up and told me as we were walking to chapel that his daddy spanks his mommy with a wooden spoon after they go to bed.
Obviously, nothing illegal here but it was a funny story and the parents were informed that their little angel knew of their shenanigans and that they had to have a talk with him.
23. That Twerk Though!
In high school, I took some classes in early childhood education. We got to go to a local daycare, ranging from birth to 5 years old, to help the teachers watch the kids and learn from them. We got there right about the time the kids were having breakfast and we’d hang out with whichever class we were assigned to that week. We were talking to the kids and someone brought up what their parents did for a living.
This one boy, who was 4, jumped off the little bench and started twerking and dancing in front of everyone. It kind of threw us and we got him back to eating breakfast.
22. Too Young To Understand How It Works
A 6-year-old boy once asked me, “When two men get married, how do you know which one will get the baby in their tummy?” I just replied, “Neither of them.” He then said, “How come?” along with, “Because my brother is getting married to his boyfriend.”
At first, I was so confused as to what to answer, but I said, “Well, men don’t have the little space for a baby in their tummies, so they can’t have a baby in their tummy. But they can adopt.” He was satisfied and thankfully, I didn’t have to have the birds and bees conversation with the kid.
21. “It’s Real Bigggg!”
There was this kid in one of our classes, who was four years old. He came up to me and showed me a picture he drew of him and his father. They were both naked and he had drawn little peepees on them. The one for himself was normal, and the one for his dad was disproportionally large.
He pointed them out to me and said, “This is my peepee, and dis is daddy’s peepee. His peepee’s biggg.” And he gestured with his arms spread out. I started to laugh but tried to hold it and was like, “That’s a very nice picture, your dad will love it.” He then said, “It’s real bigggg!”
20. “My Daddy’s a Pretty Girl!”
I was putting mascara on in the classroom and one of my kids was watching me intently. I asked him if his mommy puts on makeup at home, and he said, “No, daddy does!” He then touched my ears and said, “My daddy wears earrings, too!”
I was shocked and just said, “Oh, really?” The little boy answered, “Yeah and sometimes he wears mommy’s dresses and her shoes too!” along with, “My daddy’s a pretty girl!”
19. “Japanese Squeeze”
When I was teaching about community helpers and showed the kids handcuffs, a little girl from a really strict religious family says, “Mommy put those on daddy last night and then daddy took off his pants.”
Another time was when a little boy was walking around the room and kept saying, “Japanese squeeze! Japanese squeeze!” After I asked him about it, he said it means “girlfriend” and he saw it on his daddy’s computer.
18. You’re Not the Dad, Okay?
There’s a secret camera in the nursery with microphones in the house where I babysit. This little girl is in the nursery on a play-phone and is talking really quietly into it.
Suddenly, she starts shouting, “Stop calling me! *pauses* Because you’re not the dad, Richard. Okay? Bye.” And hangs up. The craziest thing is that her dad’s name is Richard. I guess she heard her mom say that to her “dad.” It was very sad.
17. The Sister from Another Mother
I was a camp counselor. One of my campers asked me, “Do you have a sister? I have a sister. I just met her last week. My dad had a different family that wasn’t us, but he didn’t tell anyone, not even my mom, so that’s why I didn’t know her sooner. But my new sister is my age! Isn’t that cool?”
I’m usually really good at responding to kids’ stories like “You have a toothbrush with Queen Elsa on it? That’s so neat!” But this one genuinely stumped me.
16. A Guitar Related Story
I’m a music teacher and I once brought in an open-tuned guitar for the kids to explore and we all shared guitar-related stories.
One student says, “Daddy used to have a guitar. Well…until mommy broke it because she found him with another woman.”
15. Mom And Dad Are Owls?
I’m a preschool teacher, and one day, it was story time and all the kids were sitting in a circle on the reading rug. I was reading them a book about animals and the sounds each one made. An owl comes up and none of them know it, so she says, “It’s an owl and it makes the sound whooo, whoooo!”
A kid decided to share, “Oh! My mom makes that noise when she and dad are having private time in their room!”
14. Daddy Loves Plants Too
Back when I was a third-grade teacher, we were doing our spring plant unit and were planting sunflower seeds with the idea of tracking their growth.
One of my students thought it was great because her dad had a bunch of plants in the closet with lights and she could now help her dad take care of them.
13. The “Geography” Case
My husband teaches a church class on Sundays for 6 and 7-year-olds. I don’t remember what the lesson was on, but he started it by asking if any of the kids knew what geography was.
One little kid instantly raised his hand and said, “Oh, I know what that is! My uncle went to jail for geography!” Obviously, it wasn’t really geography that was the issue.
12. Poor Computer…
I’m not a daycare worker, but I was an assistant in a kindergarten classroom for a few years.
One day, I heard a little girl tell her friends that her dad threw their home computer out the window. I asked her why he did that, and the little girl’s response was because “mommy had a boyfriend on it.”
11. Mom’s Dirty Business
Ratting on parents isn’t unique to preschool. I teach secondary school kids who are around 11 to 18 years old. And preschoolers tell their teachers EVERYTHING.
One time, a kid explained to me that he couldn’t get peace to do his homework at the kitchen table because “People always come to the back door and mom sells them little bags of stuff.”
10. A Complicated Relationship
A 5-year-old girl once told me, “Mommy says a bad lady she took my daddy from mommy and me.”
“The bad lady” was another child’s parent in the same class and she did indeed have an affair with him, they were both in relationships with their children’s biological parent and now they’re in a relationship together. It’s a lot. We don’t talk about it.
9. Mommy’s Fake Identity
One day, a little girl told me that her mom’s name isn’t her real name. That she made it up “for work,” and it was like having a new mommy. I had no idea what that meant, so I tried to ask more questions but didn’t get very far as I don’t think the little girl really had any idea what was actually going on. And as far as I know, her mom was an APRN.
It turns out her mom faked EVERYTHING. Her name, identification, degree, work history. She was not an APRN, had no degree and her real name was not the name she had given. It was freaking crazy. Nobody had any idea how she managed to fake her way through that job with no training. The office they worked at was a fairly large and well-respected office, too.
8. Busted Via Art
I was working in a four-year-old classroom. We’re drawing pictures, having a great time, and a little girl is showing off her art. There’s a stick figure for mommy, daddy, little sister, herself and one more. They’re a family of four. I inquire about the fifth stick figure, and the artist casually says, “Oh, that’s the baby in mommy’s belly.”
The dad came to pick up that afternoon, and we delicately asked if his wife was expecting (not everyone likes to share that info, especially early on). His response? “Oh, no! We forgot to tell her that she couldn’t tell anyone yet!” He was busted via preschool art.
7. The Crazy Things Parents Do
I worked at a daycare for a couple of years and the two stories I remember the most were when a little girl said to me, “when daddy takes a bath, mommy shaves his back.”
Another little girl that admitted when her dad watched her in the tub (so she wouldn’t drown), sometimes he would poop in the toilet. That latter one’s dad came to pick her up that day and I could not look him in the eye.
6. Working in Heaven
I once had a kid tell me her daddy had been at work a long, long time. I asked where he worked and she said, “Heaven.”
It turns out her dad took his own life a year prior, and her mom didn’t know how to tell her or her 6-year-old brother, so she told them daddy was at work. Someone else must have let the heaven thing slip, though.
5. Mom’s Toy
I worked in childcare and one day, a young girl brought in her mom’s naughty toy that she found for show and tell.
It was vibrating when the staff confiscated it and there was some time spent arguing over who had to turn it off.
4. “Because He’s in Jail”
I work for an after school program in an elementary school. One day, a girl was going home early because she wasn’t feeling well.
Trying to make friendly conversation, I asked, “Who’s picking you up today?” She told me, “My mom’s picking me up. My dad never does.” I asked why her dad never picked her up. Her answer? “Because he’s in jail.” Oh. Sorry, kid.
3. Dad is Bad to Mom
One of my 4-year-olds’ parents recently got divorced. The mom married a new guy and just had a baby with him, and the dad was dating a new lady that the little girl didn’t like very much.
It’s amazing the things kids pick up on and will tell anyone who listens. She has told me that daddy and mommy aren’t together anymore because “Daddy used to shout at mommy and push her.” It’s incredibly sad to hear this sweet little girl say these things because I can tell she doesn’t fully understand everything.
2. Poke The Dead
I had a kid whose parents were morticians. The second day of school, the student told me, “Mommy’s job is to poke dead people to make sure they are actually dead.” I mean, good on them for normalizing their career to their kids.
This kid also really loved to say, “Are you afraid of the dark and Beetlejuice?” She was five and could quote the movie better than any adult.
1. Daddy’s Got a What?
I wasn’t a daycare worker, but I did a lot of babysitting. There was one family a street over that I only worked for once. As the parents were leaving, the older girl (maybe 6-8) pulled me down to her level and in that ‘everybody in the room can still hear everything whisper’ said, “My mom says my dad has a big D.”
Cue a very awkward moment and then the parents left. It was pretty obvious she didn’t know what it meant- it just seemed she had said it before and got a reaction.