Oh, the joys of doctor visits. It’s hard to decide the most enjoyable part. Is it the anxiety you feel while you wait for a diagnosis? The nudity and humiliating exams? The ways your bodily functions seem to slip from your control when you’re at your most vulnerable, i.e. partially naked and in the middle of a physical exam?
Well, these people experienced all of this and more at the doctor’s. Scroll down to read about their hilariously humiliating experiences.
60. Bermuda’s Triangle
I was getting my physical before I headed off to college and Mr. Doctor was taking a look at my bologna pony and gonads. Now I didn’t know I had this appointment scheduled and was a bored teenager with nothing better to do than shave my hair down there into the shape of a triangle. I mean, what else was I gonna do with my curlies?
So anyway, Mr. Doctor pulls down my trousers and starts laughing. Clearly he’s laughing at my triangle so I decided to ask him what he thinks of it. He responds with a very enthusiastic, “Son, that’s a piece of work right there!” I gave him the ol’ cough cough, pulled up my pants and headed out the door.
59. My Wife’s Panties
I’m kind of kinky. Sometimes I’ll go out wearing my wife’s panties beneath my normal clothing. No one else can tell, but even just the idea is so hot for me. No one knows about it, not even my wife.
One day, when I was doing that, I got into a car accident. I was rushed into the hospital. I had to be stripped down so they could make sure I was okay. I’m sure the nurse had to remove my panties. Even more embarrassing was when she gave it back after I was getting changed out of my hospital gown.
58. The Not-So-Surprising Sound
I went to the on-campus doctor’s office to get a physical. The doctor was a beautiful 28-year-old blonde who just graduated from med school. After all the different checks-ups, a male nurse entered the room and she commented that he needed to be there for liability purposes. I was confused for a brief second–until I was told to drop my pants. She was on her little wheely stool thing with her beautiful face eye level and inches away from my junk.
I closed my eyes while she touched my balls and shaft trying my best to imagine she was a wrinkly old dude so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Unluckily for me, she grabbed the base of my shaft for some test and I let out a loud, very audible, moan. I went red and she acknowledged my moan by giggling “It’s okay; nothing surprises me anymore.” I just stood there, shaking my head no in silence, red-faced, and accepting my shame.
57. Easy To Start, Hard To Finish
One day, I was visiting a new doctor and he asked me to remove my pants. I obliged knowing that he’d probably check me for a hernia and make sure I didn’t have a third ball or something.
I had forgotten that the night before I had shaved off exactly one half of my pubic hair. As my brain started to panic and he begins fiddling around, the doctor looks up at me and says, “It’s easy to start, but it’s hard to finish, isn’t it?”
56. I Can’t Hear You, Doc
I went to the doctor when I was about 8 months pregnant. At that point in my pregnancy, I was very gassy and if I tried to hold it in it would get painful after a while. While I was sitting in the doctor’s office, I felt like I had to fart. I held it in for a while thinking that if I did fart the doctor would be in at any moment.
Fifteen minutes passed and nothing. So I decided to let it go. The tiniest little fart ever, but, it stunk like something crawled up my butt and died. Thirty seconds later, the doctor walked in and asked me what that smell was. I didn’t answer, as if I didn’t hear her question.
55. Why Does Underwear Suddenly Appear?
I didn’t really have any clean clothes and I had an early appointment to get some blood drawn. I got dressed and just wore my previous pants from the other day. So I’m at the doctor, in the blood collection chair, and the doctor goes to grab some vials or something. Bored, I look around and then look down.
And wouldn’t you know it, my dirty underwear is hanging out the bottom of my pant leg. I freak out, pull them out as fast as possible, and throw them away. As soon as the band-aid was on, I made my way outside as fast as I could, face red the whole time.
54. When Boredom Strikes
The last time I was at my doctor’s office, I was kept waiting in the exam room for a really long time. Like long enough to go through all three magazines in the room. Eventually, severe boredom set in and I started looking for other things to do. There was a scale in the corner, so I thought “What the heck, let’s weigh some crap.” I started with my shoes, and eventually moved on to the magazines and my clothes.
When I ran out of personal stuff, I surveyed the room and decided that I would like to know how much a chair weighs, so on the scale it went. This is the exact moment the doctor and her resident decides to enter the room. There I am wearing nothing but a hospital gown and socks balancing a chair on the scale…
I was having a physical done when this happened. A nurse was testing my eyesight and tells me to cover my left eye and read the letters of the poster, then cover the other eye. She then proceeded to tell me, “Okay, now let’s try both.”
I was befuddled but my immediate reaction was to proceed to cover both my eyes. She and all the other nurses died of laughter and later clarified by saying, “I meant to look with both eyes.” Boy, was I embarrassed!
52. Mr. Snot Man
I had a serious cold and chest congestion. I went into the doctor just to make sure everything was cool. I’m sitting on the table and he’s listening to my breath. He has his head turned away so I’m looking at the back of his head more or less. I let out a major sneeze. A huge glob of snot flew out and landed on the back of his hair. He didn’t notice, and I was stunned. So I didn’t say anything.
After the exam, he and I are walking down the hall and the snot is dripping down his neck. He goes to scratch/rub and comes away with a handful of my green, warm and gooey snot. He looked at me and just walked away. About six months later, I was in to see him again. He had a post-it on my file with a “SNOT MAN” written on it. We had a great laugh.
51. The Cough Of Shame
I was about 14 years old, showing up for my routine physical examination for school. It was about to begin. As I jumped on the scale, my stomach started killing me. It slowly went away. The ”balls” toss was coming up. I’m holding in my diarrhea-churning stomach. I get the okay to cough as the doctor cups my balls.
I coughed a little harder than usual, and I splattered poop everywhere. I left specks of poop juice on the outer side of her hand and pooped a soupy spot on the floor. I never went back to the school clinic again.
50. Johnny Johnny, No Papa
Okay, brace yourself: When I was 14, I had just become active with my first “real” boyfriend. My no-nonsense father was not impressed but would rather make sure I was safe than the alternative. He wanted to bring me to a doctor to look at prevention options. In the walk-in doctor’s office with my dad, I asked the doctor what he thought was the best option. The doctor looks at my father and asks, “Have you tried using a johnny (a condom)?” My dad finally gets it out: “… I’m her father…”
I swear on my life, it was silent in the room for an entire minute while the doctor sat there checking his notes, his face totally red. I wanted to disappear. We never spoke of it again. There you have it.
49. The No-Gag Technique
So I had this rancid throat infection; it was horrific. After a week of being miserable, I went to the doctors to get it checked out. Now I have never had a hot doctor before but the one I got was this lovely mid-late 30’s blonde. It comes to the point where she has to take a swab of the back of my throat and she says, “I’m afraid this will make you gag.”
I remembered a thing my housemate had told me that if you squeeze your left thumb in your left hand really tight, it removes your gag reflex. So I proclaim this to her, and to her disbelief it works! Lo and behold I didn’t gag! She says, “Wow where did you learn that?”I answered, “Oh. Some guy showed me” She raised an eyebrow, I went bright red and that was it for talking.
48. Instant Reaction
A couple of years ago, I had to go to the health department’s gynecologist since at the time I didn’t have health insurance. Well, I requested a female doctor just to be more comfortable and all was going quite well until she asked if a student doctor could come in the room as well. I said yes, not even thinking about it and walks in this amazingly handsome man while my legs are held wide open.
I have never been so mortified in my life, my instant reaction was to snap close my legs while forgetting that my doctor was in between them. Oh my. I eventually got over it and realized I wasn’t the only vagina he was looking at all day.
47. Cough Right In Face
I was getting my first physical to play sports when I was about 11 years old. As expected, I was a little freaked out when I had to drop my pants and let an old dude feel my balls, so as it was happening I cringe and turn my head away.
The doctor then says “Turn your head and cough” so I turn my already turned head toward the doctor and cough really loud in his face. The doctor looked at me like I was a moron and said “THE OTHER WAY.”
46. He Likes Me!
I had to get a physical for work. I ended up seeing an incredibly hot young nurse practitioner. As it got time to turn my head and cough, so to speak, she sat down (face level with my waist) and I immediately knew that within seconds I was going to have a raging you know what. So I’m standing there, hoping she’ll hurry, already blushing furiously, and she takes this moment to look up (currently holding my balls) and commence the standard “medical practitioner’s small talk routine.”
By the time doctor Q&A was finished, she looked back down to be greeted by a tremendous, throbbing boner. She laughed a little and said, “Oh look, he likes me!” and then moved on with the physical. Damn, sometimes we can’t control this thing.
45. I’m Sorry I Lied
I was 19 and went in for a pregnancy test, terrified. In the crowded waiting room of a random clinic attached to a Zellers, the secretary asked what I was there for. She was shouting and everyone could hear so I just said I had a sore throat. When I got into the examination room, the doctor asked what was wrong with my throat – I played dumb and pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about and told him I was really there for the pregnancy test. He couldn’t just let it go.
He proceeded to bring the secretary into the room and question her as to why she wrote “sore throat” on the file. They argued back and forth while I just sat there. Eventually, I just said “I lied” and they both looked annoyed. Sigh.
44. Excited To Get A Surgery
I had a “back door” fissure/phlegmon and the doctor I had been seeing about it referred me to a different doctor to set up the surgery. When the nurse told me that I would have to take my pants off for the doctor, I knew what was coming.
Then I felt like an idiot when the doctor came in the room and I was pant-less and bending over the table. “Maybe we should introduce each other first”, the doctor said. I awkwardly got up and put my pants back on. We proceeded with the surgery about 15 minutes later.
43. The Potato Ball
I had the mumps during my first year of college, and along with that, I got Orchitis (swelling of the balls caused by the mumps) in my left nut, which swelled up to the size of a potato. It was really painful and heavy so I had to carry it everywhere for a while. So I went to the doctors, he checked my mumps and then I told him there was another problem.
I drop my pants, lay on the doctor bed thing and he came over to examine. He laughed when he saw it, cause it was freakin huge, and said “What seems to be the problem?,” jokingly. It was at that moment that I pointed to my regular size bollock and said, “This one shrank.”
42. But Doc, I’m Male…
When I turned 30, I suddenly became a hypochondriac. I thought that EVERYTHING was cancer, or worse. So I’m seeing my doctor for an annual physical, and I mentioned that I was having some pains on the left side of my chest. I asked him, “I know this is rare, but could it be breast cancer?” (I’m male, btw).
He felt around seriously then — with an absolutely straight face — asked me, “Does the pain hurt worse when you have your period?” That was pretty much the end of my year of hypochondria.
41. Fart Surprise
I was getting a physical exam a few years ago so I could play HS football. Usually, the doctor feels around your abdomen and that’s that. This time the doctor made me strip and made me cough.
I hadn’t popped in a few days and that along with a stranger’s hand on my beans gave me a semi which I tried to cover, which led me to accidentally fart on him as I turned around. Doc looked at me and said, “You can play” and left.
40. I Thought It Would Be Funny
I had sprained my wrist from falling and when the doctor asked me what happened with a completely straight face I said “High-speed jack-off accident.” The doctor looked at me funny and said, “Are you serious?” I said no way, I was just joking.
The doctor had to leave the room. I was just kidding. He came back and told me a doctor’s office is a serious place and there was no time for cracking jokes. I needed to transfer to another clinic because the doctor has low sense of humor. I didn’t realize how sensitive some doctors can be.
39. Awkward Eye Contact
I was having a lump on my balls checked. I described the lump to the doctor and he went about trying to locate it himself. I was lying down at this stage staring at the ceiling.
After about a minute of him fumbling, he admitted defeat and asked me to find it. So I sat up and started to jumble them around in my hands. I was hunched over and he wasn’t more than a foot away staring intently at my balls when suddenly a gust of wind blew the door wide open. Just then a nurse walked past the door. That was awkward eye contact.
38. Too Much Hair!
When I was 18, I went to Peru for a mission trip so we could bring the word of God to all the ignorant savages (blah blah blah). While swimming in the Amazon, a parasite became a warm and cozy stowaway in my foot. Good times. Fast forward three weeks. I was back in the States, had an incredible pain in my stomach, and had track marks all over my stomach, so I headed into my family practitioner to see what the heck was up. She did not know what was up and recommended me to the university “parasite” specialist. This “parasite” specialist thought my stomach was the coolest thing he had ever seen. I was sitting in a stupid hospital gown and he couldn’t stop talking about how amazing this was. In fact, it was SO AMAZING that he called his colleague in, who then called HIS colleague in.
Now, because this was a university hospital, every doctor had a couple of interns hanging around and learned. All in all, there were 8-10 people in the room checking me out, including some very attractive women very close to my own age. Smart-aleck bearded doctor (NOT the specialist): “We should probably look at his behind.” I turned over, heard the snapping of rubber gloves, and feel my behind spread apart. Smart-aleck bearded doctor: [disappointed] “Oh. We won’t be able to see anything down there…too much hair!”
37. Too Excited to Unzip!
I had to go in for a physical for a part-time job, and they sent me to the hospital covered by whatever plan they have. After doing all the usual checks, the doctor turned to her paperwork and said, “Alright, let’s just get this over with.” Thinking this was a physical that required the cough check, I unzipped my pants and dropped them to the floor. The doctor spun around immediately in her swivel chair and asked what I was doing.
Our conversation followed as: Me: “Umm, I thought you needed to check my junk.” Doctor: “This isn’t that kind of physical.” Me: “Well then…” There was a long, awkward silence as I slowly pulled my pants back up. She smiled and handed me my paperwork, saying I was healthy enough to work. I ran as fast as I could from the hospital once I was done, embarrassed and bright red in the face.
36. Pee Splash!
When I was still in the military (Air Force), they had an all-call drug testing on our base, so about 500 of us are in a huge hanger hanging out waiting for our turn to pee and this guy comes out of one of the male bathrooms and he is balancing his pee cup on his head trying to be funny.
Well, next thing you know he trips and his cup goes flying and busts open on the floor splashing pee everywhere. I laughed so hard that peeing was a lot easier. He had to wait again to pee for the drug test.
35. Thanks For The Tip, Doc!
This one time, I was pooping some blood, so I went to a clinic. The 80-year-old, hunched over male doctor had to have a feel around in my business. I’m a girl. While this frighteningly decrepit gent was up to his knuckles in my behind, he loudly started asking me about my, um, “backdoor proclivities.” I was shy and 17 at the time. I said, “No, no, I do NOT do that!” and laughed nervously. He told me that he couldn’t find anything wrong, but gave me something for the pain.
While I was walking out through the clinic, past all the other patients who were waiting their turn, he loudly said, “You shouldn’t laugh about [backdoor stuff] that way. Many young women find they enjoy it. When you try it, though, be safe and use lots of lubricants.” I skedaddled my bloody behind out of there right quick.
34. Welp, Doctor Knows Best!
When I went to get my 8th grade physical, the doctor who examined me was a very good looking woman. When it came time to drop my pants to complete the examination, I had to ask her to leave because I didn’t want her to see that I got hard.
She pointed to the tissues before she left and gave me 15 minutes to complete the task at hand. Guess what happened next? I had to “finish the job” so I didn’t have a boner anymore. It was really embarrassing. I was afraid she was going to tell my mom, luckily, she didn’t.
33. From Back To Front
I went to my family doctor once because I was having extreme lower back pain, it hurt like a mother to pee, and my lady bits were burning like crazy. I have been going to this doctor since I was 10 years old (18 now) and he has always given me the best diagnosis and gotten me better ASAP. I went there and he checked me out down there. He said there was an unusual amount of discharge and that he wanted me to give a urine sample. No problem. I went in the bathroom, tried my best not to scream and scare the whole hospital while I was urinating in a little cup, and exited the said bathroom with tears in my eyes. After about 45 minutes of questioning from the doctor and waiting for my tests to come back, he says there was a high amount of white blood cells and there was a ridiculous amount of blood in my urine. I should have assumed it since it came out orange. He said I had a really bad kidney infection, a bladder infection, and, to top it off, a yeast infection. He said he’d never seen anything like this. To have that many infections just come out of the blue seemed unbelievable. He asked me what I might have done in the past week to cause this. I really couldn’t even lie at this point.
So, in front of my doctor (who has known me since I was 10) and my mother (who gave birth to me), I admitted that I had some “backdoor fun” with my boyfriend and he went from my back to my front. My doctor looked horrified, and my mother was near tears. Long story short, my mother threatened to sew my behind shut if I ever did something that stupid again, and my doctor gave me 15 days worth of antibiotics.
32. Morning Salute
I was in the hospital for an emergency operation on my testicle (I got hit in the nuts, really REALLY hard by a ball) and the next morning, a few hours after the operation, I was woken by one of the nurses checking my stitches. In my groggy, just woken upstate, I thought nothing of it as she left the room.
It was only about 10 seconds later that I realized I was suffering from a serious case of “Morning Wood.” Needless to say, she was greeted by a full salute. Long story short, no eye contact was shared with that particular nurse for the remainder of my recovery.
31. What To Do With This Cup?
I was at the OBGYN. I was 19 and this was the first time I’ve ever gone to a doctor by myself. They put me in the first room next to the bathroom. We did the check-up stuff and my doctor asked for a urine sample. She said, “Go next door to the bathroom and then write your name on the sample and put it in the little window.” I was extremely nervous because I usually cannot pee on command. Somehow, I managed to pee a little into the stupid cup. I wrote my name on it and then I realized I had no freaking idea what to do with this cup. I looked around the small bathroom and all I saw was a silver cabinet and a sink, no window. I walked out of the bathroom with this pee cup and bumped into this young pregnant woman. I looked into her eyes and said, “I peed in this cup.” She looked confused. “Do you know what I’m supposed to do with this pee cup?” I asked. She stared at me a bit more. Then, her boyfriend walked up and said, “Uh… There’s a place for you to put it in the bathroom.” I turned bright red and said, ”OH!” and ran back to the bathroom. I opened the silver cabinet and placed it next to all the other freaking pee cups.
I walked out of the bathroom, avoiding eye contact with the pregnant couple, and walked back to my room. I opened the door and there was this pants-less woman. I said, “Oh! Um… sorry, I’m looking for my stuff… I thought this was my room… um…” To which she replied, “What the heck?!” I shut the door and saw the nurse standing at the end of the hallway looking at me. “This is your room,” she said. “Sorry about that. We moved you and I didn’t catch you in time.” The pregnant couple and the nurse laughed at me while I did my walk of shame out of there.
30. The Old Man’s Toy
Not me, but when I was in the waiting room of the hospital for a broken toe, I saw an older man (50s-60s) come up to the nurse’s desk and cough quietly. She waved him off as a sign to tell him to wait a minute and he started to pace nervously. He was able to catch a male nurse walking by and tried to discreetly tell him he needed immediate medical attention. I was wondering why the guy was so antsy and that’s when I noticed it. The guy had a mixture of brown and red fluid leak down the back of his thigh from his shorts.
The male nurse asked him to speak up and even though he was quiet, I heard him mutter, “I’ve got an adult toy so far up my behind that I can’t reach it and I don’t want the entire hospital to know about it!” The male nurse seemed to hesitate a bit and motioned him to wait in an isolated room.
29. Keep Your Pants On
I had to visit a hospital for a checkup because it was mandatory in the new organization that I was joining. I generally avoid hospital visits unless I’m bleeding to death because I’m not a very astute individual, and only ended up here since I didn’t have any other option. I had a series of tests an in some of them I had to take my clothes off. I was led to my final test where I had to take an X-ray. As I was waiting in the room, a male doctor came up to me and handed me something that resembled a hospital dress gown. He asked me to change and left the room. I didn’t think much of it and took off my t-shirt and jeans. The hospital dress gown, however, seemed a little too short and bordered just below my stomach. Considering you’re not supposed to have any shame around your doctor, I let it be and waited for him to come back in.
I had a simple test where I just had to rest my face against an apparatus and didn’t have to lie down. The procedure took a whole two minutes and as the doctor was leaving the room, he said: “Why did you have to take your pants off? I never asked you to.” I stood there, rooted to the spot, and flushed a deep shade of maroon as I absorbed what he just said to me. He left the room, leaving me in the company of my mantling embarrassment. The next time I visit a doctor, I’m going to remember to always ask what they want me to take off before I make that assumption myself. #NeverAgain.
28. At Least It’s Working
I was 15 years old and during a school PE lesson, I got hit in the groin extremely hard by a cricket ball. I doubled over in agony and couldn’t straighten at all, and upon inspection of the area I discovered that I had an injury to the “family jewels.” The school called my mom and I went to the emergency department. After waiting a while, I was called into the doctor’s office by a nurse and my mom came in with me (as I was under 16 I had to be accompanied by a parent/guardian). I couldn’t believe it when the doctor turned out to be a female. I sat (rather gingerly) and explained what happened. The doctor asked to see that area, and by now this was embarrassing enough. I get out my family jewels in front of my mom, and as the doctor was examining them I made a huge mistake – I glanced over at the nurse.
Now, remember that I was 15, raging with hormones and even the hint of an attractive body was enough to get me excited. With a female doctor examining my jimmies as well, I couldn’t help it as my body took over and even though I was in pain I got a big one. I tried to make it go away but nothing I tried worked. I just stood there in the doctor’s office with my mom sitting in the chair next to me, the nurse standing in the corner, and a female doctor examining my pair. It felt like I had the biggest one I’d ever had. The doctor smiled at me and said something like, “Well at least it’s working.” I was incredibly embarrassed, while my mom just found it hilarious.
27. I Thought He Missed Me
I hadn’t seen my doctor in over a year and he met me outside the examination room before I went in. He spread his arms and I was a little surprised. Was he just welcoming me? Did he want a hug?
I started to move in for a hug, but he stepped back a little and made a clearer indication that he was just politely gesturing me to enter the room before him. Sheepfaced, I put my head down and marched into the room.
26. Like A Champ
I was getting my prostate checked out by this pretty good looking female urologist. She had to insert a catheter since I was having trouble peeing.
Anyway, she removes the catheter once we’re done and I accidentally pissed all over the doctor’s leg. She took it like a champ and told me, “If I don’t get peed on at least once a day, my husband will suspect I’m ditching work to have an affair.”
25. I’m Glittery Down There
I had an afternoon appointment with my gynecologist but had a tennis date right before it. After tennis, I rushed home to clean up at least a little for the doc. I only had like two minutes, so I ran in the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth beside the sink to pad myself off. As I was reclining in the stirrups, the doc takes a look and says, “I guess this is a special occasion for you.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of that comment and just ignored it thinking maybe I was extra clean. When I got home my five-year-old daughter was searching the house for something. I asked her what was going on. My daughter said, “Mommy, I lost the towel I use to clean up my glitter!”
24. Laughter is the Best Medicine… But Not Always…
I was under anesthesia after having my wisdom teeth removed. While I was waiting for my ride in the not so empty lobby, I vaguely remember seeing someone else with a bunch of gauze hanging out of their mouth, and upon seeing this I started to laugh at/with them.
Sure enough, my friend arrived to see me laughing at myself in the mirror. My friend asked the receptionist if I was alright to which she responded, “Oh yeah, he has been like that for more than five minutes now.”
23. PT Change
I was a senior in high school, and I sprained an ankle hard mid-track season. I had to go to rehab really early in the mornings before school way on the other side of town. On my very first day, I drove to the rehab place and dozed off in the waiting room wearing basketball-type shorts and a pullover. I wake up when they call my name to come inside, and I stand up –morning wood, just bulging there.
The PT is staring right at me; I couldn’t just grab it and move it, so I just pretended it wasn’t there Ron-Burgundy-style. She walked me to my “rehab bench” or whatever, and said she’d be right back. Five minutes later I have a new PT, and it’s a guy.
22. It Was Not Mine
I had to take a piss test for a new job, and my girlfriend at the time decided to go with. She had randomly handed me a bunch of rubbers (contraceptives) to put in my pocket before we left; I had no idea why but I went along with it. I go inside and get ready to take my piss test when they ask me to empty out my pockets. And then it hit me, I had literally a handful of rubbers in my pocket.
I debated just pretending nothing was in them, but decided that I didn’t really care. So I pull out about 10 or more rubbers and place them in the lock cabinet. The nurse just looked at me and said, “Well, at least you’re being safe.” My girlfriend thought it was pretty funny when I told her what happened.
21. Biggest V
When I was newly pregnant with my daughter, I was at my OB’s office for a pelvic exam. After I stirrup up, my doc is knuckle-deep in my lady bits and says, “Oh, you’ll be fine if you have a big baby; there’s PLENTY of room in here.”
I’m sure she meant that I have a wide pelvic arch and would have no trouble with normal delivery, but what I heard was, “Wow! I see dozens of these every day, but you have a HUGE, gaping vajayjay.”
20. The Green Pea Incident
This actually occurred shortly after I was born and we refer to it as “The Green Pea incident.” My 2-year-old brother was moving to solid foods and absolutely loved peas — mushed, boiled, fried, or in things–he loved them. One day, my mom noticed that my brother wasn’t going to the washroom. No big deal, she thought. It’s only been a day. Two days later, nothing was coming out. He kept eating and eating, like the happy little fat toddler he was, eating all amounts of peas. My parents scheduled a day off work and took him to the doctor together. The doctor, of course, said that he must be constipated. It happens to the best of us. At this point, it’d been four days since the little poop has taken one. The doctor gave him a large dose of prescription-strength ExLax and suggested that they should probably keep an eye on him for the next while.
As he was talking to my parents about what they should do, my brother started to poop. Bright, neon green poop. He had eaten so many peas that the fiber had actually clogged him up, and now it was returning in force. The semi-liquidated poop started flying out, faster and faster like you see in those comedy movies. Eventually, it settled down to a light stream, but not before his poop-mist had covered the entire wall next to the examination table. Neon green poop mist. All over the doctor’s tools, his blood pressure stuff and his posters. It ruined the cushion on the table, and stank to high heaven. My parents never went back to that doctor again.
19. Flip Flop
At age 14, I was convinced I had testicular cancer. So I got an ultrasound from an attractive 20-something-year-old doctor who clearly was much more used to ultrasounds of pregnant women than a 14-year-old’s balls. She looked super uncomfortable putting the warming jelly on and well, I certainly couldn’t complain!
The most awkward moment was when my junk accidentally flopped onto her hand and all she could say was “Um…can you…move it, please.” So embarrassed I move it and just couldn’t wait for the entire thing to be over. I didn’t have testicular cancer.
18. What We Doing?
I was about 18 and had been fooling around with my new boyfriend after he got off work at a restaurant one night. Suddenly, I felt an intense burning sensation down there when we were walking our way home. I waited it out a few hours before it just got too intense.
I went to the ER and the doctor asked me a bunch of questions about what I had been doing before the irritation started. I told him… puzzled, he asked me what we had both been doing before, and I told him the boyfriend had been at work and ate at a fancy restaurant before going home. He then ran some tests. And that’s how I discovered that I’m allergic to jalapenos.
17. Double Trouble
I had a nurse take out a catheter after surgery while I was fully conscious. She forgot to deflate the balloon all the way. I screamed and tried to run to the bathroom because I had a burning sensation all through my urinary tract. My mom had to help me to the bathroom with my junk hanging out and on the way, I passed the other family sharing the room.
When I came back there was a little piece of poop in my bed. Everyone in both families saw it. Talk about mortified. I couldn’t eat to get our of the hospital so I didn’t have to see the nurses and doctors again and relive the experience.
16. I’m Not On My Period
I was getting my very first pelvic exam, and the doctor was so nervous she dropped the first speculum as she was getting it out of the package. Her hands were shaking and everything. While I’m on the table and the speculum inside me, the doctor and nurse are hanging out around my lady bits.
I’m trying to pretend that I’m not here when the doctor goes; “Are you on your period?” I said, “No. Why?” And the doctor goes, “…Oooohh…” In her nervousness, she’d been way too rough and made me bleed. Thanks, Doc!
15. What’s Your Number?
I went to my regular doctor’s office 3 months ago for a finger infection. There was a hot new secretary there, she asked me for my “number”(meaning my medical record number.) For some reason, just trying to be funny, I gave her my phone number; she tried to type it in and said it “wasn’t working.” I told her that “you type it into your phone and call it on Friday and then we go out for coffee.”
She turned really red and laughed and then went about the regular business and I went home without incident. She called me on Friday and we went out and have become quite close. I was just trying to be funny, but I accidentally got a date with a beautiful doctor’s assistant.
14. Well, That Socks
It was my first pap smear, and I was up on the table, naked except for my socks and a gown and very nervous. The lady gynecologist walks in and asks me to lay back and spread them, which I did. I can’t see her down there, so all I hear is “Oh how cute!! My daughter has some just like that!!”
I’m weirded out in a way I’ve never been before, and I have no idea what to say or do except turn bright red. Turns out she was talking about my Hello Kitty socks I was wearing, not my lady bits. I was very relieved.
13. Pushing It Hard
I was hooked up to a wireless heart monitor in the hospital after having been admitted for blood clots. It had been a few days since my last poop and I felt like I might have some luck so I got up to go. In the bathroom, I was working a little harder than usual to get things done.
As I’m starting to make a little progress, my doctor and nurse rush into the room for rounds and to see if I’m alright. Apparently, my heart rate shot up from the strain and my monitor like I am having a heart attack. Everyone was going crazy at the nurses’ station.
12. Let Me Take A Selfie
I went to the gynecologist last week and decided to take a picture of the table and stirrups, so I could make some stupid joke on twitter about a “Pi Day throne for the pie doctor.” I had forgotten to do it at the beginning of the visit, so decided to snap a picture quick when I was changing back into my clothes. To save time, I started taking my robe off as I grabbed my phone from my purse.
By the time I am framing the shot, I hear two quick knocks and before I can even get a word out, the nurse walks back into the room, with me standing completely naked and holding my phone. She said “Excuse me,” and backed out of the room, leaving me to get dressed in record time.
11. Squishy Comforter
I dislocated my shoulder in a snowboarding accident and ended up in the ER. I was freaking out when the doctor walked in, so the nice nurse came in to help comfort me. Before the doc even started, I was squirming like a baby, and I started to feel cozy and happy, thinking maybe the painkillers had finally kicked in.
Turns out, I was nuzzling the nurse’s breasts with my face and really enjoying it. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly peeled my face away and apologized frantically. She said it was alright. By the way, I’m a girl.
10. He Had A Silent Freak Out
I had nasal polyps removed. When there are a lot of them, after the procedure, there are several follow-ups to get minor stragglers but mostly also to remove giant blood clots that have formed. My otolaryngologist was busy digging and scraping and scooping, and some monster freaking aliens were being dragged out. I could see my nostrils expanding like I was passing a chicken egg-sized baby out of them. Then, they closed shut again. Anyway, he was grinding and yanking at this one and it wouldn’t come loose. He rotated it a bit, gently placed it on a tray, and said nothing, but left the room with a half-smile.
Three minutes later, he came back and told us he had a silent freak out and had to wash up because a giant, bloody string of snot carried elasticity from the pull and slapped up against the length of his cheek like a cheap 25¢ toy from the bins at the front of a K-Mart.
9. The Strange Bruises
I am barely 5-feet tall, and I painted a two-bedroom house with a make-up brush. It really was the only way to make sure the gorgeous sapphire blue didn’t get spoiled by the white trim. This doesn’t seem related to an embarrassing moment in front of a doctor, but actually, it is. During that hot summer, I kept noticing sudden and strange bruising. I do bruise quite easily, but there were so many and more each day! Well, I convinced myself I probably had leukemia or something! I mean why was I suddenly black and blue! One morning when my legs had marks all over them I rushed myself to urgent care. I am sure many of you can guess the outcome of my embarrassing moment – I am in the doctor’s office, wearing my paint shirt (oversized men’s, originally white, but over the years now covered with a multitude of colors) and my mom jeans, also with splotches of sapphire blue and white and the doctor asks me to explain why I am there. I do, and we make small talk about our summertime activities, and I am more than a little anxious to get down to the business of figuring out why I am dying! Then, because much of the bruising is on the back of my body, he gives me a gown and says he’ll be in shortly so he can see my complaints for himself.
So I’m in the gown, open at the back, and the doctor comes in with a mirror. He shows me how odd the bruising is, and I see that it is almost in stripes going across both legs and the stripes even seem equidistant from each other. The doctor is silent and just waiting for me to “get it.” When I don’t, he says, “You been painting a lot this summer? Up on a tall ladder much?” I am thinking, “Huh?” And he says, “See how regular the bruises are? They’re from the ladder. Now off with you, and good luck finishing your project!” Perhaps nothing to be embarrassed about, but to me (with my perfectionist tendencies, I enjoy feeling intelligent maybe more than I should), I feel a sheepish smile come up to my cheeks just remembering the story.
8. A Bad Punch
I was 15 at that time, and my doctor knew I didn’t like needles, so he put a shot that I had to get in his pocket with his pens, so I didn’t notice. In the middle of a sentence, he pulls it out and comes at me, and I accidentally punched him directly in the face and broke his glasses.
It wasn’t intentional, per se. He was coming at me with a sharp object. It was instinct. He ended up grabbing me by the shoulders, pinning me down, and doing the injection. The punch ended up bruising his face a little. For years afterward, I couldn’t face him. Oh well, don’t come at me!
7. Not Sure Who Is More Horrified
My doctor wanted to check me for polyps in my colon. He used a proctoscope, which is used to pump your colon full of air and then look up your butt. Doc proceeds to pump air up my butt, and it starts to gurgle like a huge fart coming. I giggled about it, not really thinking about the fact that I had this guy looking up my butt. He finished, and I went to the bathroom to wipe all the lube.
Not really thinking about the fact that there was lube and air trapped up my butt, I walked through the waiting room to leave. About halfway across the waiting room, it got ugly. I ripped this massive, wet fart that sounded like I just pooped my pants. I’m not sure who was more horrified: me or the people in the waiting room.
6. Here’s Your Order
Pharmacy actually – my doctor prescribed a suppository for hemorrhoids. When I went to pick up the med, the guy at the counter handed it to me, then loudly said, “SHOVE IT UP THERE – NO, YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT A GOOD SHOVE TO GET IT TO WORK.”
About three heartbeats later, I realized he was talking to a guy to his side who was trying to use a pneumatic tube system to send an order to the drive-through window. In three more beats, he realized what was in the bag he was handing me and said, “Um… well OK then here’s your order.” I took the bag and headed out fast.
5. Fretting Over Taste Buds
I recently had a sore throat, and when trying to get a good look at it in the mirror, I noticed these large, pink spots, all over the very back of my tongue. I spent a week fretting over it, wondering what they were and why they weren’t going away until my mom got worried enough about them that she went with me to my doctor.
Upon examining my throat and tongue, he pronounced that what I was seeing were my taste buds. I have never seen my doctor, who is an incredibly stoic man, smile so wide before. My family is never going to let me live it down.
4. Blood Shot
Probably too much information but I once went to the gynecologist for a regular check-up. I wasn’t on my period when I went in but once she started checking me, I sneezed and covered her face in little drops of blood.
I’ve never been back. I started crying and apologizing over and over again. The gyno told me it was totally okay and it wasn’t the first time this had happened to her. However, I couldn’t bear to look her in the face again. I ended up switching doctors after the incident.
3. Hickey Shut My Doctor Up
I went to the doctor for a routine pap smear. My doctor starts talking about her son at Columbia and how she thinks she should set him and I up. “You guys would really get along; I really want you to meet him.” All of this while she poking around in my lady bits.
Then she goes “Okay, time for the breast check, can you please lift your shirt?” I did, forgetting about the giant hickey on my right boob. She stopped talking for the rest of the visit.
2. Full Of Crap
On New Year’s Eve, I woke up with unbearable pain in the left side of my abdomen. I couldn’t move for over an hour. I was at home from my sophomore year of college but none of my family was home. After about three hours of crying and doubled over in pain in bed, I crawled across the house and called my mom at work. She took me to the ER where they did various pressure tests and listening and decided it wasn’t my appendix so they did some x-rays. The only other person in the ER was an old lady that had a cut on her head and she was trying to comfort me while my face was red and I was holding back tears.
The doctor came in and looked at the lady and looked at me and whispered, “I don’t know how to tell you this… but your colon is full of sh*t (actual term).” I screamed, “That’s it! Get it out of me!” and he told me he could give me an enema, a suppository or a salty drink. I took the drink and shat for eight hours straight. I was good enough to go to a party that night but still had the craps and didn’t get drunk. Felt so much better.
1. One Plus One
I remember jumping over a metal fence to cut school and slipped. Hyped to go roaming, I just jumped over and kept going. Suddenly, I started feeling dizzy. As I look down, and there’s a huge hole in my pants, and there’s blood everywhere.
A classmate helped me get to the ER. The nurse drops my pants, and the doctor goes, “Welp. You have 2 bottom holes.” I don’t know how to react. So I immediately ask if my balls are still there. She reassured me they were but I just need stitches because I had holes in both of them. Ouch!