42. Accidentally Bumped Into It
I once responded to an emergency call on base. The call was a vague medical emergency where the R.P. was crying and kept saying they needed an ambulance. The dispatcher had called ahead and the barracks manager was waiting with a key. We opened the door to find a young seaman with his pants and underwear around his ankles surrounded by adult stuff and lube on the floor. He was just standing there on his tiptoes, tears running down his face and softly moaning. I walked over to him only to realize that the doorknob to his bathroom was up his butt and still attached to the door.
Dumbfounded, I looked at him expectantly and he said: “I backed up into it by accident.” Being already out of breath, I had to sit down as the laughter began. When EMS arrived, they couldn’t believe it either. They ended up cutting the door around the knob and transporting him with the knob still up his butt. As it was, they had to take him down eight flights of stairs. With each bump down the steps, the knob would move and he would yelp. By the fifth floor, it wasn’t funny anymore.