Kids are supposed to be adorable little creatures that we care for until they’re old enough to do it themselves. They’re not supposed to mouth off at us, shocking us into silence. But that’s exactly what the mischievous little fiends in our stories today have done.
From threatening their parents to scheming in ways that made their parents both fearful and impressed, these kids have said it all. And if you’d like to read about some of the things they’ve said, all you need to do is scroll down.
42. Now, That’s a Power Move
My 7-year-old son was in the bathroom taking a monster dump. It stunk so bad that I could smell it walking by.
I stopped and said, “Are you ok?” and flipped the fan on. He looks me dead in the eye and turns the fan back off.
When my son decided — in the grocery store parking lot — that it would be “fun” to scream, “You’re not my mommy! Where’s my mommy?! You’re not my real mom!”
He had this evil smirk on his face as I panicked and tried to explain what could happen if someone heard that. He started yelling it louder.
40. Do You Love Me, Mommy?
This is a chilling conversation I had with my then 4.5-year-old daughter. She asked, “Mommy, do you love me?” I said, “Of course, my darling! I love you forever and always, no matter what!” She then said, “Even after I kill my little brother?”
She had a sweet as pie smile on her face and a serious look in her eye. At that time, she had recently learned to tie knots, and I’d already had to take her jump ropes away as I’d found her with one tied around her little brother’s neck pretending he was her horsie!
39. The Peepee Show
In first grade, my son put his peepee through the cracks of the bathroom stall door at his school.
Every time a kid walked past he would yell, “LOOK AT MY PEEPEE!” Imagine receiving this call from the school principal. He was in a small private school too, so it was very humiliating.
38. “Aren’t You Over That Yet?”
My 8-year-old son, at the time, saw me crying at around 4 in the afternoon after my 18-year-old dog had died that morning. She was my first ever dog and I was devastated.
He looks at me and says, “Aren’t you over that yet?” Absolute savage.
37. Get Your Facts Straight, Mom
My 6-year-old daughter punched my 4-year-old son in the face and gave him a swollen nose.
When I asked her why she punched him in the face, she looked at me and said, “I didn’t punch him in the face, I punched him in the nose.”
36. Best Places To Pee
At about 15 months old, my daughter was beginning her potty training phase. She discovered that we liked it when she peed in the potty – to which she immediately decided the potty could be replaced by any container she could find.
The next day, she delicately removed all the clothes from her dresser drawer, pulled out the drawer, then sat and peed in the said drawer. I’d never thought I’d pour pee out of a dresser drawer before.
35. The Leader of The Bad Kids
One day, after picking my 4-year-old up from her preschool, she informed me that she was the leader of the bad kids at school. I exasperatedly asked, “Why???” Her reply kinda scared me. “Because they do what I say.”
Also, one time, I told her that she couldn’t watch a movie while eating dinner. She started pounding on the table and said, “I’ll keep hitting the table, or we can watch a movie. You pick.”
34. Sign Up to Beat Up
When my kid and I walked passed the tae-kwon-do place I’ve always tried to get her to sign up for, she finally said, “Yes, I’ll sign up.”
We walk further down the street and she mumbles, “Then I can beat up Isabella.” We didn’t sign up.
33. The Dead Lover
My 6-year-old has always had weird interests. She asked me to show her pictures of what’s in our bodies. I showed her diagrams on Google, and she said, “No, I mean inside of a REAL body. Like a dead person.” I showed her some random picture of an arm surgery and she was begging for more.
She also always asks me to stop so she can look at dead animals on the road. When my childhood dog died and she tried to sneak and look inside the bag while I was bawling. We’re really pushing for the medical field and not the serial killer field.
32. Keeping Her From Doing it In Real Life
My daughter once asked, “Daddy, can you get me this game called the Sims?” I said, “Sure, I’m surprised you’ve heard of it…” She then said, “Oh yeah, Suzy says it’s so much more satisfying killing people instead of the pigs I kill in Minecraft.”
I then asked her, “Is your main reason for playing video games so you can kill things?” and she answered, “Well, it keeps me from doing it in real life, so I don’t see the problem with that.” Then she winked at me. I still don’t know if she was just messing with me.
31. Cat Cash Settlement
We had our young cat “fixed,” and she just slept and rested all day after coming back from the vet’s.
After watching the cat lying around all day, my 11-year-old son asked very concernedly, “Do you think she is sad because she can’t have babies?” My 7-year-old son then asked, “So, if she doesn’t recover, would we get a cash settlement?”
30. Can’t Wait for The Sandwich, Better Eat The Frog
One time, my 7-year-old son was playing in the backyard and said he was hungry, so I went to make a sandwich for him.
When I came back, he was holding a frog he had just killed and ate it.
29. See You in Hell!
I used to babysit for two boys (8 and 4-year-old) who had very devout parents.
After telling them it was time to pack away the toys and go to sleep, the older one turned to me, deadpan expression and just said “I look forward to watching you burn in hell, sinner lady” and ran away laughing.
28. Mom’s Sadness is Funny
A few years ago, my wife and I had a very heated argument. Our daughter overheard us and came into the room just as things hit their peak. My wife rushed into the bathroom crying and I was left sitting on the bed feeling low, listening to my wife sob on the other side of the door.
Our daughter looked up at me with a smile and said, “Mommy’s crying” and proceeds to laugh loud enough for mom to hear. And with that, I was in trouble for something entirely new.
27. Tiny But Fierce
My 4-year-old daughter told me why her swimming improved dramatically. It’s apparently “Because I just relax and imagine I was kicking my annoying baby brother.”
This little girl also climbed into my lap, grabbed my ears and dug her face into mine and said, “Make the Mac and cheese.” I started laughing, so she grabbed harder and dug her face in more. “Do it. Or I’ll kill you.” She’s tiny but fierce.
26. I’ll Kick You and Punch All The Cops
My daughter and I were bickering back and forth. She didn’t like me questioning her demand, so she said: “I’ll kick you out of this house and lock the door.” I responded to her mentioning something about calling that cops (I was a cop and her and the rest of the family obsess over live PD).
So, she flat out says, “Well, I’ll just punch all the cops in the face.” At that moment, I knew I’d be screwed when she becomes a teenager. She’s 4 and a half by the way.
25. Daddy is Fat and Ugly
My lovely little girl told me, “Daddy, you’re fat.” I said, “Yes, I do have a big tummy.” My lovely little girl then said, “Daddy, you’re ugly.” How does one respond to that from a 4, nearly 5-year-old?
She told my wife she wants to put her in the garbage bin and never see her again. We’re English and garbage isn’t a word we really use! All this happened while we enjoyed a family holiday last week.
24. Hitting With No Hesitation
I watched my younger son walk out on the porch, pick up a plastic whiffle bat, look at it, look at his older brother sitting on the porch steps, look back at the bat, and then haul back and crack his brother’s head like Babe Ruth popping one out of the park.
I could watch his thought process in 5 second’s time: Bat… Brother… Bat… Hit. No hesitation.
23. Whose Fault Was It, Really?
When our 13-year-old decided to steal 200 dollars that were hidden in my desk one week before Christmas, he decided to spend it all in one day on candy and yelled at us for confiscating what was left of it. He also told us it was our fault for leaving money in the house.
To confirm that he is a horrible person, he told his mom that he doesn’t like seeing anyone else happy, which is why he broke his 1-year-old brother’s things.
22. Me Or You Dying?
My kids were talking and my 8-year-old turned to the 4-year-old and said: “If I had to choose between me dying and you dying, I would choose me.”
Without even thinking about it, the youngest replied: “I would choose you too.”
21. “I’ll Eat You Next Time!”
We took our son Red Lobster- he was five at the time. He waved to try the lobster and liked it, and my wife and I were glad he was being an adventurous eater.
On the way out, he went over to the lobster tank, tapped on the glass, and manically cackled, “I’ll eat you next time!”
20. The Little Con-Boy
My son blithely told me he wants to play the documentary Under the Curve for his classmates because he is trying to convince them the world is flat.
He admits he knows it is not, but he is trying, actively, to CON them into thinking it IS.
When my son was 13 or 14, we were chatting about how as kids get older, and parents become elderly, often the kids become a caregiver to some degree to the parent.
My son offhandedly remarked that he’d be looking for the cheapest nursing home at which to park me.
18. Wrong Emotion, Kiddo!
My parents’ dog died and I had to explain to my kids that David (really was his name) passed away. My kids grew up with this dog in their lives and we were all really upset, as expected.
Except for my youngest. He said, “Wait, that’s sad, right?” Um yes, the correct emotional response here is sadness. He was 6. I keep an eye on that one.
17. She Likes the Goatee Better
My six-year-old daughter told me to shave that thing off- she was referring to my goatee.
A couple of days later, I did, so I asked her, “Do you like it?” She makes a bit of a face and says, “No, I didn’t know your chin was so small.”
16. The Future Gamer
While potty training my 2-year-old, she figured out she could pee a little, get a chocolate chip as a reward, then wait 2 minutes, go pee again and get more chocolate.
She’s gaming my system at two years old.
15. The Roast
My kid was 12 years old at the time we were driving their friend home after a sleepover. They were taking turns roasting each other in the back seat.
My kid says, “Your parents probably knew you would stutter, that’s why they named you A-aron.” Yes, he did have a stuttering problem.
14. Impressive Passive Aggression
My kids (five and ten) were having an epic verbal war in the living room, which ended abruptly after I shouted various generic parenting noises in their direction.
>My 5-year-old son then walked confidently into the kitchen, took a picture of his brother off the fridge proceeded to dispose of it in the bin. It was utterly inappropriate behavior, of course, but honestly, I was secretly extremely impressed with his passive aggression.
13. Good at Playing Dead
I was shopping in Publix and my 4-year-old son looked at an employee and calmly said, “Your lips are ugly.”
There was also the time when he learned how to float in a pool after watching a documentary about shipwrecks. He could swim but never relax and float on his back. He can now; he just pretends to be a dead body floating away. Thanks, YouTube.
12. At Least He Stopped Crying
When my son was six months old, he had a nasty virus that he gave to me. It was night two of no sleep and he was crying inconsolably while I tried to rock him to sleep.
I was so exhausted and miserable that I started sobbing too. He stopped crying, looked at me, and laughed. My first thought was “Oh good, I’m raising a maniac,” but at least he stopped crying.
11. The Hiding Game
My 5-year-old son didn’t like the babysitter we got for him on our date night.
Guess what he did? He hid the car keys and my husband’s wallet and taking out some cash to pay the babysitter. He also took one of my shoes, but it was poorly hidden.
10. “So No One Can Hear You Scream, Silly”
My 3-year-old granddaughter was visiting us. We were playing and with a huge smile on her face, she said, “Pawpaw, I’m gonna hit you in the mouth.”
As I looked at her a little shocked I asked, “Why my mouth?” She looked at me with a smile that would light the world and said, “So no one can hear you scream silly.”
9. His Peeing Talent
My 3-year-old son (potty trained) randomly peed on the floor. When my wife asked him why he did that, his response was “because it’s hella funny.”
Also, one time, he wanted to sleep in my bed. I said no and sent him to his room. Five minutes later, he comes back and says he can’t sleep on his bed because it’s been peed on. I said, “No, it’s not.” He said, “Yes, it is. I just peed on it like this.” He literally stood up and showed me how he basically hosed his bed down.
8. She’s Pure Evil
When my daughter was four years old, she used a small kid-sized folding chair to smack her 7-year-old brother in the head. She did it because he was in her way and she didn’t feel like asking him to move.
When he started to cry, she tried to stuff a sock in his mouth. My son is 13 years old now and still brings up this incident; she gives him a bone-chilling look and he just walks away. Even the dog is wary of her.
7. Don’t Touch It Or I’ll Banish You!
One time, my husband invited his friend “D” to move in with us for a few months to get his life back on track, post-divorce.
My then 6-year-old son walks up to D, and in an eerie voice without breaking eye contact says, “Don’t touch my stuff or I will banish you to Jakku!” I was both impressed and embarrassed.
6. The Kid’s Bad Wishes
When my daughter was 6-year-old, I yelled at her for something and her reply was: “I can’t wait until dad divorces you so I can go live with him and not you.”
A couple of years later, she would also tell her younger sister that she hoped she broke her leg. Good times.
5. Her Tricky Little Moves
When my daughter was naughty as a preschooler, we used to put her in the kitchen for a timeout. We had a safety gate on the doorway and as long as nothing was cooking in there, it was like a holding pen for her. Well, she started to ask to go to the toilet as soon as she was put in there.
At first, she was allowed to go, but pretty soon it became clear she was just using the toilet excuse to get out of the timeout early. The first time I told her she could go to the toilet after timeout (which usually only last a few minutes) she proceeded to pee on the kitchen floor in retaliation. She has a terrible temper. She’s 15 now and it’s still there.
4. Double Trouble
I have twin girls. When they were four, we were all riding in the car with my brother. He decided to harass them by telling them he was going to kill a Care Bear. Twin A argued with him for twenty straight minutes telling him he couldn’t do that. Twin B had been quiet the whole time. Not a single peep.
Then she just looks at her twin and asks, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Twin A enthusiastically replies, “Yes…what are you thinking?” Twin B responds, “Let’s cut his cheek off.”
3. “I Have One”
My 3-year-old was given a small Fisher Price trampoline for his birthday; it was like three feet in diameter. A few months later, we got invited to take him to Sky Zone, which is a giant indoor warehouse that is wall to wall trampolines. It’s freaking awesome. So my wife turns to my son and says, “Hey buddy, do you want to go to the trampoline place?”
Without missing a beat, my kid rolls his eyes at her, jerks his thumb towards the Fisher Price one, and says, in the most condescending tone a 3-year-old could muster, “I have one.”
2. “Don’t Get My Sister, Ok?”
When my younger stepdaughter turned 5, she made me swear out loud twice that if her room caught on fire, I’d come to get her out. Then as she was going to bed, she said, “I can start a fire in here. Don’t get my sister, Ok?” Then she went happily to bed.
She has no idea how to start a fire and she’s never played with fire/lighters/matches. She didn’t burn the house down and she doesn’t hate her siblings. She also never brought it up again. Kids are weird.
1. “Mommy, The Devil Will Take Your Soul”
One time, my 4-year-old daughter was riding her bike as my husband and I were planning the coming week. She paused from singing and said, “Mommy, the devil will take your soul.”
Her father and I are not really religious, but my mother-in-law is a firm believer in Christ. We allow her to go to church with her grandmother if she chooses to, but I haven’t been too keen on her visiting church services since.