Being a kid is great! You have no bills to pay and you get to play all day. On top of that, you’re still innocent enough to get away with saying just about anything that pops into your head. Who cares if you don’t have a verbal filter? After all, you’re just a kid?
Unfortunately, it’s not as easy for the parents. Ever been on an errand with your kid and suddenly they shout something so embarrassing that it made you wish you weren’t in public? Don’t worry, it’s happened to the best of us.
Although in the moment it may seem embarrassing, these innocent stories make for the best laughs at parties. Here are some of the silliest, strangest, funniest, and down right most innocent things kids have said to completely embarrass their parents in public.
40. That’s why Shaving is Important
I took my son into a busy public toilet when he was little and took him into the cubicle with me as there was nobody else to watch him while I went to the loo. I went to sit down and my son suddenly shouted. “Mommy, I didn’t know you had hair there!”.
Apparently I heard a few gasps and snickers from the surrounding cubicles. Talk about total embarrassment. I totally wanted to melt into the floor! Next time I’ll have to remember to shave better I guess.
39. Poop Talk
Large Thanksgiving dinner with my wife’s extended family, about 35 people. I get up to use the bathroom. Only gone for a couple of minutes and my daughter 5 at the time starts laughing hysterically and everyone looks to see what’s so funny. “Ohh just that mom always gets mad at dad cause he poops for a long time.”
My wife starts laughing and I just sit down I had nothing to say. Then my daughter talking like some gossip columnists says “and let me tell you all, dad makes it smell so bad.” That was the last time I let my wife yell at me about my bowl movements.
38. Stranger Danger!
My kid was starring in a safety play at school and sometimes we’d run lines. We were at the grocery store and she asked to run her lines. I said as soon as we got home. She didn’t feel like waiting so she made it look like she was stomping on my feet (part of her part) and shouted “STRANGER DANGER. HELP. I NEED AN ADULT. I DON’T KNOW THIS MAN!”
Embarrassing on two counts, one being the sweat inducing conversation with store security, and the second being I’m a woman. Of course then I thought people are going to think I’ve abducted this little girl. I reminded her when we got home she can’t do things like that in public unless they are a real life situation.
37. Son, it’s pronounced “Pop-Corn”
I took my kid to the cinema for the first time when he was about four. When we were waiting on the queue for food he said “what’s that stuff, daddy?” To which I replied “Popcorn”. He said that’s what he wants for the movie and also some candy and a soda to go along with it.
We got to the front of the queue and the guy asked him what he wanted and he said “Can I have some c0ck p*rn, please?”. I of course had to laugh. Not everyday you get a order like that at the movie theater!
36. “Make sure you don’t touch my Dad’s crotch”
After my vasectomy, I had a little pain in my nethers. I had to make sure my kids, 5, 5, and 6 understood they couldn’t jump in my lap. They really liked to jump on top of me when I lay on the couch. I had to really make sure they understood the situation so I could heal properly.
Fast forward a week or so, and my dear 5 year old son tells his teacher as I’m picking him up at the end of the day, “Make sure you don’t touch my dad’s crotch.” I was mortified! I told my wife from now on I wasn’t picking our son up from school anymore.
35. Arrr! He’s not a Pirate!
Sister and I were on a bus with my niece who was about three and on hops this guy with a prosthetic leg, a bandana on his head and a big bushy beard, my niece stands up and says at the top her lungs “Oh look a pirate!“- the poor guy looked so offended, but everyone on the bus lost it.
Older gentleman in front of us turns around and says to my niece “I wonder what happened to his boat?” I freaking lost it and had to get off the bus, my sister was dying from embarrassment so joined me. So as we wander down the aisle to the doors, my little niece turns to the pirate man and asks if he is getting a new boat. My sister was a tomato when she hopped off that bus.
34. The Ugly Truth
So it’s Christmas shopping season and I’m at the shopping mall with my youngest daughter she was maybe three. I have to pee and so I take her into the men’s room and we go together into a stall and I close the door and have her stand behind me while I stand and pee.
She leans around my right hip to inspect my manhood, which I don’t think she’d ever seen. She asks “Daddy?” Is that your pee pee?” I know there’s probably twelve other guys in the men’s room and I’m hoping I don’t sound like a perv. “Uh, yes honey. That’s my pee pee.” “Well,” she says, “It sure is UGLY.” The whole room busted out laughing.
33. Push it real good!
I was very pregnant at that time and my son was asking about how the baby get in my tummy. We were on a bus. My response to him was, “Daddy put it in there”. Of course he wanted me to be a little more specific but I just was didn’t think he was the appropriate age yet to tell him the truth.
My son then said, “Wow mommy! Daddy must have had to push and push and push to get it in there.” Very loudly. On a full bus. I couldn’t help but laugh and of course the other parents laughed too. Thankfully none of the other kids understood what was going on.
32. Hurry Mom!
Me and my 5 year old daughter were at the grocery store and there was a pretty large guy in front of us. My daughter looked at me and pointed at the guy and said, “Mom we need to hurry that guy is going to eat all the food!!”
Never in my life have I ever felt so embarrassed. Somehow he didn’t notice, or pretended not to. I went to another line rang up my groceries and dashed out the front door.
31. Well, Everyone Loves Chocolates!
We were standing in line at a restaurant when the next thing I know my 3 year old son was gently holding the hand of the older black man in front of us. He looks at him and says, “Why do you have chocolate all over your face?” I about died.
I was so nervous the man was going to lash out. The gentleman thought it was hilarious and said, “Want to touch it?” My son proceeded to rub his face. We were so grateful for his sense of humor and gentle spirit.
30. Now, I think scaring kids with a ghost is a good thing
My then 7 year old and I were in line at a grocery store, the man checking out in front of us had a tracheostomy. At the time my son was really into Ghost Adventure type shows, where they use a piece of equipment to communicate with spirits. The responses they get from these spirits sound sort of robotic.
My son taps this man on the arm and asks “Excuse me Sir, where did you buy your ghost box?” It was extremely embarrassing, and I tried to apologize for my son, but the man’s response was amazing. He leaned down to my son and replied “I bought it with Marlboro Miles, never start smoking”. Then the man and I had a good laugh.
29. Never Gonna Buy Ariel Underwear again!
Probably the most memorable is a toss up between the three year old calling the very young looking exterminator “the cutest baby-man” to his face and baby talking to him. While in target, the three year old stopped a guy who looked to be in his early twenties.
She asked if he liked Ariel (The Little Mermaid) and when he said yes, she yanked her dress over her head, put her hands on the floor and stuck her butt in the air screaming, “Well you’ll love these underwear!” When he practically ran away she yelled after him, “He probably has to poop!” Loudest. Voice. Ever.
28. When kids find your ‘toy’
My son was maybe two years old. He and I were visiting my sister. She and I were in the kitchen, drinking coffee and chatting. Suddenly, my son comes running into the kitchen waving an adult (man’s private part) toy. My sister gets up to grab it from him but he, thinking it’s a game, starts running around waving it above his head.
A few minutes later, she finally caught him and took it away. I, of course, pretended not to have seen a thing while trying not to laugh. She was so embarrassed. I told her maybe she should find a better hiding place for her “toys”.
27. A not-so-good prayer
I was visiting my daughter’s bible school one evening and the pastor’s wife was my daughter’ leader. My daughter was asked to say a prayer. Being an only child, she prayed for a little brother or sister.
I then told her that wasn’t a possibility right now because I wasn’t married. She blurts out “You weren’t married when you had me either and that didn’t stop you.” I turned beet red! Especially since we were in the church and I thought I was being judged.
26. I think he got it from his Dada
My son was about 3 at the time. We were grocery shopping and he was strapped in the front seat of the cart. A very well-endowed lady walked by us. My son got very excited and yelled, “Wow. Mom, look at those! I like those!” I was so embarrassed.
I did not see if the lady noticed, though the old lady next to me started to chuckle. I promptly put my head down and went to the next aisle, as he continued to rubber-neck for large breasts. I had to tell him when we got in the car that it’s not acceptable to do that!
25. Now it’s a Grandma Competition
Walking home from school with my 4-year-old. We run into one of his classmates walking with his grandma. Grandma looked to be about 75 with gray hair. My son’s grandma (my mom) is only 62, with blonde hair, and still looks fairly young.
We were making conversation with his little friend and his grandma when my son announces loudly “I have a grandma too! But my grandma doesn’t look old like yours does.” I felt so bad. I apologized to her but she didn’t seemed very pleased.
24. We all have Shadows though!
At a grocery store and our daughter was running around playing. Pretending to be scared of things. A black man walked up next to her and she screams as loud as she can.. “Ahhhhh daddy run! A scary shadow man!“
She then proceeds to run as fast as she can away from him. My wife and I didn’t even know what to say. Thankfully the man started to laugh and told us it’s okay she’s just a kid. I felt bad stills I bought all fo the mans groceries and helped them to his car.
23. The bigger the better!
Me, and my two sons were in a grocery store. Both of them are playing Pacman by the customer service desk. My older son grabs the push button mic when the customer service employee leaves the counter, hands the mic to my younger son, and has him say over the intercom system. “Will all the ladies with the big boobies please come to the front of the store?”
I run as fast as I could to the front of the store to stop them. My face has never turned so red so quickly. He should have known better. When we left he was grounded for an entire week with no tv. I don’t know who he would even learn this from?
22. The Secret Fart Revealed!
In a busy Target with my 2 yr old son, and while shopping I had to fart. So we went down a vacant isle to “look” for something. Managed to keep it sounding like an extremely soft punt of a slightly under-inflated football. If anyone heard it on the isle over, they could have thought it was anything. Good, we can go on shopping.
But nope. Next thing I hear is a loud child’s voice as giddy as only a two year olds voice can be “Daddy… You FARTED! HAHAHA” Instinctively, I went into damage control mode. Had to loudly say “No I didn’t!” in between multiple loudspeaker volume accusations to convince any near-byers. As we left the isle, a lady exiting the isle over briefly looked my way. I could see her holding in her laugh.
21. Why are you baaaaalllllld?
We were sitting in a booth at a restaurant, and my three year old was peeking over the back at the people behind us. He hollers, “Hey, why is this guy bald?!” I pull him down and quietly explain that we don’t comment on people’s appearances, because we don’t know if something we say might hurt their feelings.
He asks me, “If I have a question though, can I ask quietly?“, and I answer him, “Yes, if you have a question about somebody, you can whisper it in my ear.” Before I realize what’s happening, my son leans down over the man’s shoulder and whispers in his ear, “Why are you baaaaalllllld?”
20. Mommy loves C0cknballs!
My son was screaming how much I like to put “C0CKNBALLS” on my lips, eyes, and face every night from the shopping cart in our local grocery store. I had to run out of the store because he wouldn’t stop saying it.
He then got excited when he found the last item on our grocery list- cotton balls. It was embarrassing but funny at the same time. Next time I’ll have to make sure he knows the correct pronunciation. Kids these days.
19. A Bad Revelation
Had a summer romance years ago with a German dude. We reconnected via Facebook. He came to visit last year. He, his daughter (14), me and my son (12) went out for a meal. We had garlic bread for starters but I passed on it.
When the German guy asked me to try I said “Oh, I’m not eating bread at the moment” and fluttered my eyelashes. Son blurts out “Yeah, she ate a load of it last week and she was farting in the car ALL day.” German guy fell off the seat laughing.
18. He’s a Racecar!
I walked in to Walmart with my 3 year old last year. The greeter was sitting in a wheelchair wearing a red sweater. My son yelled “LOOK DADDY HE’S A RACECAR!” I quickly ran over to him and made him stop yelling.
Such an internal struggle, wanting to simultaneously disappear but also grab him and profusely apologize to the greeter. Thankfully the guy played along with it. He ended up taking my son for a ride down the asile in Walmart
17. My chichi is just fine!
I had a phone call from the school. The nurse said “Umm, I’ll just let her tell you..” My 5 year old daughter got on the phone and said “Mom! My chichi hurts!” Err. OK. I’ll come and pick you up straight away. I took her straight to the doctor, who checked everything out, gave everything the all clear, and gave us some Ural and cream to use if things got uncomfortable again.
We were in the supermarket about 15 minutes later. From the opposite end of the aisle she yelled; “Mom! Hey! Mom! It’s alright!! My chichi doesn’t feel like it has a stick in it anymore! My twat is just fine!“. That’s great, sweetheart. Excellent news. Thanks for sharing it with half of our town.
16. Not a Lolli Pop
My kid is only 2, we were at the mall and stopped into a Spencer’s gift shop. For anyone who doesn’t know, the back of the store usually has really inappropriate adult toys and gag gifts. I wheeled my 2 year old along the Harley Quinn pajamas and corsets over to the back of the store because hey, he wouldn’t understand anyways! He’s only 2! So I go to look at something for a second, turn back to see my son with an uncomfortably large (man private part) shaped gummy lollipop.
I audibly gasp and rip it out of his hand before he tried to eat it. He started crying because to him, I just took away a delicious candy snack. A lady saw this and started cracking up as basically my face turned red. That is the story of how I learned not to take my kid to the back of a Spencer’s store.
15. Are you my Daddy and my Grandpa?
My three year old was supposedly asleep in my arms as I was talking to an acquaintance about my wife’s upcoming birthday. I offhand mentioned “I’m old enough to be her dad.” Note that my wife sometimes calls me “Daddy” when she’s referring to me while talking to the littler kids.
I guess my three year old overheard, because later she pops up her little head and asks in that piercing three year old voice, “Daddy, if you’re also Mama’s daddy, does that mean you’re my daddy and my grandpa?!“
14. Mommy you’re drunk!
I had my 4 year old daughter at a department store and she was having an absolute fit. Yelling and crying. I was ignoring her behavior and speaking to her calmly as I tried to get out of that store. I think I probably said something like “This is not appropriate behavior and you are not going to get blah blah blah”.
This was Christmas time and it was packed. So she proceeds to stop, stare me right in the eye and screamed, “I don’t have to listen to you! You’re drunk all the time anyway!!” I think my heart stopped for a moment there. The entire place went quiet and everyone turned and looked right at us. I somehow pulled it together enough to take her hand and make a beeline to the exit. I don’t drink.
13. Totally the most embarrassing one!
I thought my son was clapping his hands behind and turned to see what he was so happy about and he was apparently slapping a bald guys head instead. Thankfully the gentleman didn’t mind and told me it was totally fine.
This is the same kid that hid underneath an extremely obese man’s stomach. He sat on his feet and tucked himself in really well. I have to teach him better manners I guess.
12. Stinky Poopie like Mommie!
We went to the movies and my kids were waiting on line with me to get tickets. My younger daughter had to go to the bathroom so I made my older one accompany her. My older daughter runs up to me and says, “Mommy, my sister made a stinky poopie in the bathroom. It smells so bad, just like your really stinky poopie!” In FRONT of many people.
Everyone turned and started to laugh. I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me! Thanks, kid! I got over it quickly but I mean come on did she really have to say that in front of all those people!
11. My Daughter’s Not-So-Good Talent
Around when my daughter was two, she learned how to unbutton her pants and would love to unbutton tough ones or different looking ones. Basically, it was her favorite puzzle/challenge.
So, one afternoon, I’m standing in a crowded street in India buying vegetables from a local vendor selling commodities on a cart. I’m carrying her in my arms and unfortunately wearing a button down shirt. And suddenly, my entire shirt has been unbuttoned in the most public place possible. Yeah, was pretty embarrassing.
10. When Potty-Training goes wrong!
When my son was potty-training, there was a lot of positive reinforcement. Pennies, toy cars, clapping, etc. Cut to a week or so after this started, and we’re in a store. I have to go to the bathroom so I bring him in with me. As I’m going pee, he erupts into clapping and cheering for me, and said “Good job! I’m so proud of you momma!”.
Cue giggles from the surrounding stalls. I kept my head down while I washed my hands and got the hell out of there. Looking back at it, it was actually really cute and I shouldn’t have been that embarrassed.
9. Cute Little ‘Baby’
I was walking in the grocery store with my daughter who was 2 at the time. Well, she screams out “Look daddy a cute little baby!!!” Well, that “Cute little baby” was in fact a little person.
There were like 30 people in the aisle and they all starting staring at us and this little guy. My face had to have been beet red I didn’t know what else to do but pick her up and hurry into the store.
8. I would be shocked if it’s Pink!
My daughter grew up in Harlem and wasn’t around any white people until she was in school. When she was four, I took her shopping at Macy’s before Christmas. She needed to use the restroom, but being before Christmas, there was a line for the stalls. A stall opened up and the (white) lady who came out of it had forgotten to flush in her haste.
My daughter went in, saw the poop floating in the bowl and yelled “Mommy! White people poop brown too!!!” I can see that the white lady was much more embarrassed than I was. But we ended up laughing together.
7. Never let your kid watch Prank Shows or Else!
My kids really liked to watch America’s Funniest Video. For those not in the States, it is a TV show where stupid people are caught on camera falling down, getting pranked, or some other silly or unfortunate thing happens. We were at my sister’s wedding dinner and it happened to be on the 2nd floor of a fancy restaurant in a balcony area.
My five year old daughter decided to pour her water over the edge on top of a bald man dining below. He came storming upstairs yelling about punk kids. She got in trouble, and when I asked her why she did it, she said she was trying to pull a funny prank for the show. Had to explain to her we can’t prank strangers at fancy family events.
6. Darth Vadeeeeerrr!
Walking with my 2 year old boy through the supermarket. He goes into the next aisle on his own, and when he sees what’s down the aisle, he freezes in his tracks. He starts yelling something so I got a little nervous.
As I’m walking up to see what’s shocked him, he points and shouts “DARTH VADERRRRR”. Yup, it was a woman in a full burka. She was not pleased. I made him apologize but then she told me my parenting wasn’t good. I took my son and ran out of the store.
5. “Now that’s a big bottom!!“
Kids have absolutely NO filter. It’s hilarious and freaking embarrassing. Once I was shopping at target and my 3 year-old daughter was looking at a largish woman in front of us.
All of a sudden, she slaps her on the bottom and exclaims “Now that’s a big bottom!!” I died. I died right then and there. It’s one of the few times in my life I literally wanted to crawl in a hole. I took her home and told her that it wasn’t appropriate behavior and she must never do something like that again!
4. The Hairy Butt
For a couple of years a ago I went to a indoor swimming pool with my daughter (3 years old). As we’re standing by the lockers and changing into our swimsuits an old man came from the showers to open up his locker, who just happens to be next to ours.
He opens up the locker, drops his towel and is trying to put on his briefs. That’s when my daughter points directly at his butt and yells: “Look Dad! That old man has hair in his butt!” I apologized to the man. He didn’t seem to mind.
3. Pee Tree!
When my son was 2, I used to let him take a pee against a tree if we were out for a walk in the countryside. This probably doesn’t seem okay to most people but hey if have to go, you have to go!
One day in the local shopping center, I noticed he has disappeared from my side. Panicking I looked around and he was proudly peeing against a tree planted beside a cashiers desk in an open restaurant. I took my son, ran out and never returned!
2. “I know what’s in your pants”
Me and my 6 year old daughter used to play a game where I tried to convince her I had no belly button. I would pull my pants up high to make it look like I had no belly button. Eventually she caught on to what I was doing and would remember at random times.
We’d be in the store and she would look at me with a grin and say “I know what’s in your pants.” People were looking at me with such confused face. Needless to say I don’t play that game with her anymore.
1. Forehead Button
We were on a bus and an old lady sat opposite from us. She had a bindi on her head and my daughter said very loudly ‘Daddy that lady has her own button to stop the bus’. The lady laughed, giving everyone else permission to burst out laughing too.
I apologized but that lady said there was not to apologize about. It actually made for quite a pleasant ride after. Good atmosphere after she broke the ice.