Old people say the darnedest things! And we usually forgive them because, well…they’re old. But what happens when it’s your grandpa or grandma saying or doing some pretty crazy stuff, and in public too? Are you just supposed to laugh it up, should you bring them home quickly, or should you blame it on their age? From squeezing boyfriends’ butts to whacking people in the head with a brick, these grandkids are now scarred for life. If you’d like to see some of the things their grandparents have gotten up to, keep reading!
39. No Confidence In The Hospital
My grandfather was waiting for an appointment in a hospital waiting room, and a stick-thin valley girl strutted by, obviously swaying a little to get people to notice her.
My grandmother turns to my aunt and says, loud enough for everyone to hear, “This hospital doesn’t fill me with confidence if the morgue can’t even keep the skeletons from escaping.”
38. Good News: She’s Dead
Around ten years ago one of my grandma’s friends had disappeared for weeks! Finally, they called the police had no one had heard from her for days.
My grandma broke the news to me like this, “The bad news is they’ve foundDoreenn. The good news is she’s dead.” I was speechless!
37. The V-Word
My grandmother is 83 and is the kindest, sweetest woman ever. She has a bad hip and back, so we bought her a full back massager that sits on her armchair many years ago. The unfortunate part of this is that she calls it her vibrator. I’m not kidding, any reference to this thing is “my vibrator” and she says it SO matter-of-factly.
I will never forget the look on my boyfriend’s face when, at Sunday dinner, I mentioned that I pulled a muscle and my Grama said “do you want me to fetch my vibrator from upstairs? It usually makes me feel better.” This is one of the many reasons she is my favorite human in the world.
36. Snatch to Match
My mom and I were hanging out at my grandparents’ house and she was helping them both dye their hair a dark brown. My mom showed the bowl to my grandmother saying “there’s still quite a bit left.”
My dear, sweet grandmother then yells across the house: “HEY FRED! There’s enough left to dye our snatch to match!”
35. A Grandma That Won’t Quit
My 74-year-old grandmother has Alzheimer’s and dementia, which obviously means she has no filter anymore. Her new filter-less conversations have been quite, interesting. One morning she showed up at my house and my boyfriend was over. We were sitting in the kitchen talking and of course, she does the usual, “Are you guys sleeping together?” Now my boyfriend is 25 and I am 24 – so YES! Duh, we are sleeping together! But when we try to avoid the conversation. She won’t allow it.
My sweet, Christian, mouthy, firecracker of a grandmother put her hand on my boyfriend’s shoulder and asks him “Is she good in bed?” My boyfriend, lucky me, is shocked and says, “No.” My Maw-Maw responds with, “Well why are you still with her then? She also hits on my boyfriend and smacks his butt every chance she gets. She has definitely become quite a bit wilder than she used to be and -for the most part- more fun.
34. “You Turn Me On”
Right after I got married and we’d go visit my grandparents; my wife (21) would hug my grandpa (92) and he would always tell her “You turn me on.” This happened a few times and she finally told me about it and how uncomfortable it made her feel.
Eventually, we realized he wasn’t a pervert he was just letting us know that when she hugged him and said “Hi grandpa, how have you been?”, his hearing aid would turn on.
33. Pissy For Nuts
One night at dinner my mom commented that our wiener dog didn’t look to be enjoying his “Cone of Shame,” which we put on him whenever he behaved badly. This time, he had been caught chewing something he shouldn’t have.
My grandma, who was visiting from out of state replied, “He’s just pissy ’cause he can’t lick his nuts!”
32. Two Wives, No Lies
My grandpa had two wives. They lived next door to each other and knew of each other. He had a schedule of when he would visit whom and had children with both.
I met one in Germany when he was in WWII and brought her home, and the other back in America. I’m not Mormon and don’t live in Utah.
31. Too Much Info Grandma
Once, I was spending time with my grandmother and she was telling us stories about how she and my grandfather met and got married. She said some pretty crazy things that would always make us laugh and this is the one I remember the clearest.
“On mine and your grandfather’s wedding night, I got into the shower with him. He was so shocked because apparently, women don’t want to have sex. Ha! I’d still be doing it if the curtains weren’t covered in dust.”
30. Future Poopy Plans
My grandfather, who died two weeks ago, said some really awesome and funny things whenever we hung out together, which was quite often. He’d always make me laugh because he didn’t care who he offended.
One time, we were talking about death and he said, “When I die, I want to come back as a bird, there are a TON of people I want to poop on.” I spit out my drink.
29. More Christ In Your Life
My grandfather was suffering from dementia and being cared for by my aunt and uncle. One night he pulled a picture of Jesus off the wall and whacked my aunt over the head with it.
When asked why he did it, he told her he felt “she needed to feel the influence of Christ more in her life.”
28. Blame the Turkeys
Shortly after regaling us at Thanksgiving about where she was and what she was doing when she heard margarine invented, my great grandmother and grandmother got into an argument over how to cut turkeys.
It got pretty heated and my 93-year-old great grandmother stormed out of the kitchen muttering “I shoulda snuffed her out when she was born.”
27. “What Kind of Entertainment?”
I would introduce my grandparents to my then girlfriend, but future wife. My grandpa asked her what she did, to which she replied studying entertainment arts. My grandpa was confused, so she said making movies.
My grandpa then asked, “the kind with clothes on, or clothes off?” She said clothes on. My grandpa then said, “that’s still pretty good.” Yep. That’s my grandpa.
26. “WWII Style”
There is some sort of construction SOMETHING going on in the neighborhood next to my parents’ house. It must be a business cause it’s been going on for like two years now. When it started, my parents were upset at how loud the trucks and equipment were.
My grandparents and I were over for dinner, and my mom mentioned that she might go over and talk to them about NOT starting up at 5 am and waking everyone up. My grandpa, whom I’ve only ever heard talk about books or the stock market and stuff, just pipes in with: “Or just sneak over and put sawdust in their gas tanks, WWII style.” It was so out of character from everything I knew about him; I was on the ground laughing.
25. Run Him Over Granny
I was with my ex and we visited her grandparents. They were both at least 85 and did nothing but bicker at each other, and it got quite entertaining.
One day, grandma says to grandpa, “You know what? Whenever you die, I’m gonna have you cremated and bury your ashes in the driveway so I can run you every day.”
24. Moving Things Along
A few years back, I took my grandfather to the hospital because he wanted to get something checked out. The doctor asked him what medications he was on… I don’t remember what they all were, but it went something like this;
“Something, something, something, Viagra, something, something, and fish oil.”And he turns to me and goes, “Ya know Ken, it’s harder to go to the bathroom when you’re old like me, that’s why I take the fish oil.. moves things along.”
23. Every Single Branch
My grandma is generally a very nice person and doesn’t have many mean things to say. A few years ago, though, we went to the Princess Diana exhibit that was up in Atlanta.
She took a look at Prince Charles and said to me, “That man fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
22. All About the Brisket
A couple of years ago I was visiting my grandparents and my grandmother put a brisket in the oven for a big family dinner that night, pretty early in the day. She took me to lunch and my grandfather stayed at the house because he doesn’t like the house to be empty if the oven’s on. Before we got lunch, she had to use the drive-thru at the bank, but it wasn’t well labeled, so she almost went in the wrong way.
She quickly realized her mistake and turned around. As she was going through she said, “Good thing I noticed that or we might have been killed. And your grandfather would have had no idea what to do with the roast.” After a beat, she kept going, “Everyone will say to him, ‘I’m so sorry for your loss,’ and he’ll say, ‘Yes, I know. It was such a nice brisket.'”
21. Happy Marriage: Unhappy Members
My nan and grandad had been married for 60 years, so I asked her what was the secret to a long happy marriage of 60 years.
Her response..” I couldn’t tell you, I’ve been pissed off for 59 of them.” I could not contain myself.
20. Take Everything But the Bike
My grandpa has never owned his own bike. From being a poor child to his whole successful life, he never had his own. Well, one day he said, “I’m finally going to buy my own bike.”
Well, one week later someone stole his new bike out of his garage. As he was telling us that it was stolen, he says, “You can kick my dog, you can kidnap my wife, but don’t touch my freaking bike.”
19. A Naughty Nana
A long time ago, my sister was doing a Christmas in April charity project where they were painting an elderly woman’s garage. Well, we went out to dinner with my family and my aunt asked my sister, “You didn’t paint any naked men on there, did you?” and my grandma said, “Good Lord, she would’ve given him three legs!” I was too little to understand at that time, but now I think it’s hilarious.
She also asked my sister if she wanted to lick her fish… meaning her fish filet sandwich from McD’s to taste how salty it was. My sister and I still crack up at this. She was just holding out her sandwich going, “Lick my fish! Go on! Lick my fish!” and laughing so hard she was crying.
18. Once A Cheater, Never Do It Again
One time my gran caught my grandfather cheating in a parked car. She punched the window out, the girl jumped out of the car and ran.
She picked up a brick and hit her square in the back of the head. Long story short, everyone, including my grandfather, needed stitches. He never cheated again.
17. Picking On the Redhead
It was grandpa’s 96th birthday and we’re all (maybe 12 family members) sitting around the table eating dinner. I was the only ginger there and it went quiet for a bit, so my grandpa decides to break the silence with “Ahh, all these beautiful people and one redhead.”
Then he started laughing hysterically as did everyone else, myself included. That was definitely pretty funny for us. Why he decided to say that, I’ll never know.
16. Running From the Mafia
I have a great aunt who is clinically paranoid; she lives in the woods in Kentucky in a “hut” made of 2×4’s that she screws together with a drill she carries around. Every couple weeks, she wakes up, unscrews her hut, packs it up, and walks through the woods all day until she’s pretty far from where she started.
She does this so (and I’m not making this up) the “Kentucky mafia won’t find her and scalp her.” Of course, I’m not sure if that’s still a thing… No one has seen her in years.
15. Limited Options
My aunt brought her boyfriend over when she was in high school. She gave my grandpa a huge list of what not to ask him, “don’t ask him about his family, his grades, his job, his hobbies…”
So when he gets there, my grandpa shakes his hand and goes “So…. Have you ever been in prison?”
14. What A Rude Answering Machine!
Grandma had ordered a magazine from a telemarketer and wanted it to cancel it. She had written down a number for the publisher and had tried calling them about the cancellation. She was literally huffing with anger when I arrived, as the customer service representative had had the audacity of talking over her and then hanging up. She had called there again, but the same thing happened.
I called the number out of curiosity. A recording answered, telling to visit the publisher’s web pages, e-mailing them or calling the new customer service number. Grandma refused to believe it was a recording and went on to scold me for lying. She’s a piece of work at times.
13. “One More Time and I’m Done”
My granddad recently passed away and he was without a doubt, the funniest man I have ever met. He had many surgeries and we never knew if he would make it after each one. He would come out smiling and say “Well, I made it through another one!”
Another time he was complaining about being cold and someone was taking too long getting a blanket or something and he said, “If I get pneumonia one more time I’m gone.” I could write a book about all the funny stuff he said. I miss him so much every day.
12. Pain-Causing Bedsheets
My grandfather is convinced that the floral print bedsheets my grandmother bought are giving him back pain. He has been saying stuff like: “We always had one color sheets before, nothing wrong with them, suddenly she buys ones with flowers all over them and my back starts hurting. Nothing wrong with single colors I think.”
Apparently, the working theory is that the ink in the flower designs are harder than the rest of the sheet, so that is what is hurting his back.
11. The Blind Driver
After my grandfather’s funeral, my great grandmother went up to someone and said “Honey, can you help me down the steps? I’m blind.” After the woman helps her, Gram gets into her car and drives away.
The woman frantically tracks my mom down to tell her that her BLIND grandmother is DRIVING! My mom cracks up laughing. Gram wasn’t blind; she just liked the attention.
10. The Last Fart
Two days before she died, after several surgeries and pretty much knowing she was dying, we’re all visiting my grandmother at the hospital. She’s lying in her bed when she farted.
She didn’t say anything, but after about 30 seconds when she knew it was now drifting around the room, she started cackling uncontrollably. She always thought farts were hilarious, even in her last hours.
9. Children Are Fun To Make
My British grandmother, my mother and I were sitting in my grandmother’s kitchen. My mother was complaining about something one of my brothers had done.
My grandmother shakes her head, “I know,” she says, “children are the WORST…” Seeing my face when she says this, she adds: “Fun to make though!”
8. Sage Advice
When I was a kid and having trouble with a bully, my grandmother said, “Boy, there is no such thing as a fair fight. If someone gives you trouble, fight dirty; jump them, bite them, kick them in the balls, or if they are a lot bigger use a weapon.”
The point is to hurt them as bad as you can as quick as you can.
7. The Exploding Milk Bottle
When I was young, around the 2nd grade, my grandmother farted and the woman behind us thought it was her husband and slapped him. I heard this one from my mother.
She also forgot a gallon of milk in the car one time. She left it there overnight. And then the next morning she needed milk for her tea. Proceed to her going down and getting her tea. The milk was “harder than a rock” according to her. So she takes it and goes to make her tea. And she says “Looks at this [insert the name of my mother], it’s as hard as a rock.” And she started touching the top of it and putting pressure on it with her hands and kinda squeezing it. Hilarity ensued when the top exploded everywhere, all over my grandmother’s face and down her nightgown.
6. Water Bed Advice
When my grandfather first met my now fiancé, he reached across the table at the diner where we were eating, took my fiancé’s hand in both of his, and said, “Water beds are fun, especially when you’re not sleeping.”
He then winked and went back to his bowl of coffee ice cream. It was especially humorous because he and my grandmother were incredibly sexually active up until her death. Get it, grandparents!
5. “Who Were Dating?”
When my grandma was telling a story about them in high school, she said “this was about the time that we were dating” and my grandpa looked at her confused and said, “who were we dating?”
My grandma didn’t find it funny, but my brother, grandpa and I found it hilarious.
4. Not Dead Yet
When a couple of my best friends and I were freshmen in high school, I got my grandparents to take us all on a camping trip to a theme park a few hours away. Near the campground was a pretty big lake that had beach access to a nice swimming area. We got my grandpa to drive us down to the lake, so we could go swimming one afternoon. We’re stuffed in the back of his pickup truck, and we roll into the parking lot and notice a group of very attractive girls in bikinis walking through the parking lot.
My grandpa says, “ah, now I see why you guys wanted to come down here to go swimming.” We gave him a look of, “I can’t believe you just said that” and we said, “of course not.” He looked over at us and said, “I may be old, but I ain’t dead yet.” We bust up laughing as it was one of the most badass and hilarious things I’ve heard my grandpa say.
3. The Hooligan Who Took Her to Prom
When I was a teenager, I was telling my grandpa about how prom was coming up soon and since both our boyfriends had already graduated, my twin and I were just going to go together.
He said that he remembered his prom and that some hooligan had taken my grandmother. My grandma pipes up from the other room, “Oh, Jess, you took me to the prom!” and Gramps just chuckled to himself quietly.
2. Speed Racer
My grandpa was 76. He picked me up from school one day and brought me home. On the way there, we stopped at a red light, right next to a cop. My grandpa revved his engine and stared at the cop, who did nothing. The second the light turned green, grandpa took off like a bullet. So, the cop pulled him over for speeding.
When he walks up to the window, grandpa goes “What? Scared to race me?” and took off again. I looked back to see if he was going to chase us, and he was just standing on the side of the road laughing.
1. Hansel and Grandma
My grandmother is 95, and my 7-year-old son is FASCINATED by how old she is. They had a conversation that went like this (he is not familiar with Hansel and Gretel. Son: Grandma you are 95! That is a lot! Grandma: Yes, it is. Son: Most people die before they are so old, Grandma.
Grandma: Well, most people don’t cook small children in the oven and eat them. It’s the secret to long life. Son: MOOOOOM! GRANDMA EATS SMALL CHILDREN! THATS WHY SHES SO OLD!! Don’t eat me, Grandma!