It’s understandable to not function as an adult all the time. We all get a foggy brain at some point of the day but these stories from the internet will have you feeling extra great about yourself. Continue below and read some of the most mind boggling questions from adults that would even leave a 12 year old saying “oh boyyy.”
42. No Pushing, Please?
I worked in obstetrics for many years. I was taking care of a woman in her late twenties, definitely not a teen mom, married, with a job. She got to 10 centimeters, so I did my usual speech about how to push effectively. She nods and pushes when I tell her and she did great, really moved the baby down. I’m excited but I notice she’s whispering to her husband. He looks at me and says, “So why do you want her to do that?” I was a bit taken aback and very slowly explained that she had to that to get the baby out. She asked if I was kidding. At this point, I feel like I’m the butt of a practical joke, but it didn’t stop. He kept asking if there wasn’t “a better way to do it” and muttering that I was being ridiculous.
She continued to push and thankfully didn’t take long because she kept rolling her eyes at me. I was thrilled to hand this lovely couple off to the doctor. They looked slightly more convinced when he told her to do exactly what I had told her to do and then a baby magically appeared. If she’d ended up in a c section, I’m sure she’d have been convinced I had done it all to torture her. How does a woman make it into adulthood in normal society without knowing you have to push a baby out?
41. The Math Wizard
I was tipped a twenty-dollar bill to be split between myself and a coworker. I handed her $10 I had in my pocket and took the $20. She said it wasn’t fair that I had $20 and she only had $10. I tried to explain to her that I already had the $10, so another $10 equaled $20. She couldn’t wrap her head around it, insisting I was trying to rip her off. She gave me back the ten bucks, took the twenty to a register and made a change of two 10 dollar bills.
As she hands me mine, I showed her that now I still have $20 and she has $10, but somehow she was satisfied she’d thwarted my attempts to short change her. Needless to say, I didn’t stay friends with her after that.
40. Nope, Not Our Dog
My wife and I had to explain to the neighbor that our dog is part of our family, and no they can’t just have him. Their kids wanted our dog, which was cute, until the mother also decided that she wanted our dog and it was only fair that they got to have him on the weekends because we get to have him all week long.
The worst part? They called the police on us when we said no. Obviously, they never got the dog. That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever encounter — an adult demanding she wants a dog from another family.
39. NuvaRing Bracelet
I work at a pharmacy and we get crazy questions all the time. We had gotten a phone call from a seemingly distressed woman asking if we carried a larger-sized NuvaRing. My first thought was, “Holy moly, how big are you down there?” but I realized that there is only one size of NuvaRing, so I told her to come up to our help window, and we can try to figure out what the problem was.
When she finally came up, I kid you not this will most likely be one of the funniest things I have ever seen. She comes up, and she is honest to God wearing the NuvaRing as a bracelet. Her actual thought process was if she wore the NuvaRing on her wrist, she could have all the unprotected procreation she wanted and be just fine. The look on her face when we told her that it was an inserted contraceptive, she turned ghost white, and gave a meek “thank you” and ran out of the pharmacy. I felt bad for her, but I could not help myself from laughing.
38. That’s Not How Pregnancy Works
I have a friend that works in a doctors’ office in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in, saying that the wife couldn’t get pregnant. They ran a couple of tests, and everything was coming up normal.
They then gave him a cup and asked him for his “little swimmers” sample. He came back with it full of his pee. He had been peeing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.
37. A Burger With Cheese
At my work, a customer asked for a hamburger with cheese on it, to which I replied, “So you want a cheeseburger?” The woman repeated she simply wanted a hamburger with cheese on it, to which the confused me said, “But that is called a cheeseburger.”
At that point, the lady started screaming, saying she did not want a cheeseburger, but a hamburger – with cheese on it! As far as we know, she still thinks she won that argument, since she got exactly what she asked for.
36. No More Hard Objects
An older man, terminally ill. New Year’s Eve. Presented to the ER in the company of a woman from the streets. He had a finishing nail in his erect male genitalia. He was into penile sounding. He says, “Well, there was nothing else lying around. And I’m so messed up and can’t feel a thing.” Indeed, he was messed up. Coke, hard drinks, MDMA, woody medicine, and some hydros — the poor dude just wanted one last rager. I told him, “Wood is just a euphemism, man. Don’t shove sharp things up your pee-hole.” He took it in stride. He was in the hospital for two days. The woman basically stayed with him the entire time.
Come to find out, she was only one of the three women he had paid. She wasn’t even the one who shoved the nail up there. I thought it odd that she hung around until he told me how much he had paid them. Turns out the other two were hanging out at his house waiting for his return. I visited him before he was discharged. Dude popped some x right in front me and says, “Just getting a head start. No more sharp stuff. I promise, Doc.”
35. Mother Knows “Everything”
I had to explain to my mother that muscles are meat. A piece of meat was tough, and so I must have said something about what part of the cow the muscle came from. No, we weren’t eating muscles, we were eating “meat.” She was sickened by the concept that anyone would eat muscles.
Somehow this got to the point of her claiming that humans didn’t have any “meat” on them because they aren’t food. I did not “win” that argument. Humans have no meat, meat is not muscles. Period. Oh, it turns out people are not part of the animal kingdom either. It was a dismal childhood.
34. Stop Squeezing Your Eye Balls
I worked in an optical practice in the UK. A man comes in complaining of bad vision. His astigmatism has increased by like 3 diopters. That’s a lot and definitely shouldn’t happen. The optician retested using different kit — same result. I told him to come back in a week, and we will retest it. This time we’re looking at 4 diopters. They freak out. Recheck again, another optician checks it. Same result. They run through health, smoking, drinking, medicine. Nothing out of the ordinary.
The guy looks super stressed, put his head in his hands and put his thumbs against the side of his eyes. The optician asks if he does that a lot. Apparently, whenever he’s stressed, he pushes the sides of his eyes. He’s done it so much that he has physically changed the front of his eyeball and ruined his vision. We told him to stop doing that. I never thought we’d have to tell another human being to not squeeze their own eyeballs.
Every St. Patrick’s day in San Antonio they dye the river green. I work hospitality and I had a middle-aged woman asking me if she could drink the water from the river. I laughed thinking it was a joke but she was really serious about it and got mad saying I was condescending.
I told her no, you should not drink that water and she said that since there was green beer, she thought the river could be beer. I reminded her there are ducks living there and I don’t think the city wanted drunk ducks going around downtown. She called corporate saying I insulted her. She was not drunk.
32. Dentures Can Be Removed?
My first job after graduating from high school involved instrument sterilization at a dental office. One day an elderly woman came in with a complaint of chronic halitosis (bad breath) and stomach problems. The standard procedure for admitting a new patient is to take x rays after removing all metals from the neck and up. The woman carefully pulled out her jewelry and hairpins and the panoramic x-ray was taken and quickly developed. With the imagery in hand, the tech noticed that the woman had not removed her upper denture. The tech returned to the room and let the patient know that she had accidentally left her dentures in and that the x-ray would have to be re-done.
At this point, the woman expressed confusion about taking out her dentures. The creeping horror set in once the tech realized that the patient had never removed her dentures from her mouth for several years. Our dentist came into the room and explained proper denture care with her before explaining that he needed to have a look give them the circumstances… he pulled out the denture and discovered, to his horror, that the patient not only had maggots underneath the dentures in her mouth but that her hard palate had completely disintegrated. The stench that swept through the office resulted in cancellations of all appointments for the rest of the day to ventilate the office and clean up all the staffs’ vomit.
31. Jelly On Toast
This actually happened to a friend of mine. She once had a patient who came in wondering how she got pregnant when she had been using contraceptive jelly every day. My friend explained that that wasn’t the most reliable method, but my friend still asked her anyway how she had been using it.
I kid you not the patient’s answer was, “Well, I put it on my toast every morning!” My friend had to explain to her that contraceptive gel was not to be taken orally.
30. I Hope She Can See Clearly Now
I’m an optometrist, and I was stunned when a patient’s mother told me that her 10-year-old daughter’s glasses were completely wrong. The mother stated that she had tried them on, and she personally couldn’t see anything through them. She, therefore, concluded that her daughter must be seeing things as blurry too.
I had to explain to her that she couldn’t see out of her daughter’s glasses since, first and foremost, they were made FOR her daughter’s near-sighted prescription, and secondly, since the mom wasn’t nearsighted, of course, they would be blurry for her. Actually, I was so shocked that at one point I said, “Why would you see out of her glasses? They are her prescription.” Of course, they left without paying.
29. He’s Allergic To What?
Nurse here. I see some crazy stuff, but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guy to the hospital. I can’t really remember what for, but he was about 400lbs, diabetic, heart disease, you name it. Anyhow, I’m at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who are crowded in the room with him. A few minutes in, he starts complaining that he’s thirsty. He needs something to drink RIGHT NOW. So I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and as her to bring in some ice water. As soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams, “NOOOO! NO WATER! HE’S ALLERGIC TO WATER!”
Well, this is gonna be a problem. Turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but soda and sweet tea for years because of his “water allergy.” The next question the wife had was, “Where are we all supposed to sleep?” The whole family, 10 people, were planning to stay at the hospital with him.
28. Chill, Dude!
I am an ER doctor. I once had a 20-year old and his girlfriend comes in at 2 AM freaking out because “something had torn his throat open.” He seemed fine — no blood and breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing.
I didn’t want him to lose confidence in me, clearly, something had happened, so I’m looking, and looking….there is nothing wrong with this kid’s throat. Finally, I say look, it seems ok…what do you feel or see? “I don’t feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE.” I was like, WHERE??? Looking, looking. It was his uvula.
27. A Proper Shower Is All He Need
An old friend of mine is a nurse practitioner. She told me she once saw a patient, male, complaining of severe rectal itching and general pain. She is a very smart people-person, she can read people very well. She got right to the point and asked him about his daily hygiene routine. She had a hunch based on his presentation that he was a “man’s man” and “ain’t go gay stuff happening here!!!”
Long story short, when showering, he NEVER cleaned his behind like ever. He told her, that it was “gay” to touch his butt. She had to explain to him that the severe rash and itching he had been dealing with for apparently YEARS was a direct result of his perceived “homo acts.” She instructed him to go home, take a proper shower, and apply witch hazel for a few days. Amazing that a grown man thinks this way.
26. Please Don’t Make Your Dream Come True
I worked 911 on an ambulance for 4 years and have been an ER Technician for the last 3 years. The waiting room is where most of my favorites happen. When a patient walks into a waiting room and sees it’s packed, it’s actually amazing to see the kind of determination and theatrical performance someone will present just to try to go in before the others. I’ve learned to convince myself that they’re either loopy, or were dropped on their head as a baby (a few dozen times) rather than try to sit and explain “common sense” to a grown adult.
This one happened in the winter of 2017 when everyone had the flu. I was up in the triage area helping a nurse check in the huge line of people. The conversation went like this: Me: “Hi, what’s your emergency today?” Patient: “Yeah, I had a dream that I had a heart attack, so I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t really having one.” Me: “Okay… Have a seat, and we’ll call you back when there is a room available.” Patient: “How long is the wait? This is an emergency!” Me: “We can’t give out wait times, but all I can tell you is that there are 30 other people waiting right now.” The patient walks away to find an open chair, then falls down and starts flopping around on the floor while screaming, “I’M HAVING A SEIZURE!!!!” I said, “Sir, that’s not how a seizure works. Go sit down, and we’ll call you when there is a room.” The patient then said, “Oh okay.”
25. A Bad Fur Parent
I’m a vet. Someone brought in a kitten they had “rescued” off the street a few days prior because it had fleas. During the exam, the kitten was very abnormally anxious and constantly crying, fighting me, and nipping. The owner said she had been doing it at home as well. I asked what they had been feeding her and the response was, “Oh, we weren’t sure what to feed her so we didn’t.” I was like, “What?!”
So apparently, these three grown non-disabled independent adults collectively decided the solution to their situation was to not feed a sick young animal for 3 days, lock her in a closet when she started crying, and offer her a small plastic bottle cap of water a day. I fed her immediately and she ate like she was possessed.
24. Imagine The Smell
Just stop reading now if you have a weak stomach. But, having to remind someone that a tampon must be removed and cannot just be forgotten for days. It was an assisted living situation where she was pretty high functioning but still refused the level of care she actually needed. Her mother insisted she could use tampons and kept bringing them despite the fact she had already forgotten more than once but it had always been noticed before it got too nasty. None of the nurses would really intervene because the parents paid so much for her to live there in a luxurious condo, and they were very outspoken about letting her choose her own level of independence.
So despite being reminded numerous times to take the last tampon out when her period was done, she still ended up forgetting this time. Once we finally figured out there was a problem, it had been there for 4 days and you could smell it from the hall outside her room. If you’ve ever had the misfortune to smell a severely infected abscess you have some idea, it was similar but so much worse. I will never forget it. It took a trip to the ER to remove the tampon and clean her out before it was decided and her mother agreed she should only use pads; she could have literally died from an infection.
23. You’re Not Supposed To Drink It?
The patient had been referred to my pharmacy by his physician for an OTC enema. The guy was not the sharpest tack, and apparently either his physician did not explain it well or the guy didn’t listen, but our conversation went like this: The patient asked, “So I drink down this whole bottle and then I’ll have to poop?” I said, “No sir, this is an enema. It is used on your back end.”
The patient was so confused and said, “So what’s that mean, I don’t have to drink the whole thing?” I answered, “No sir, you’ll lie on your side and insert the applicator tip of the bottle into your rectum and squeeze the contents into your bowel. You’ll then remain lying on your side and hold the enema in until you feel the urge to have a bowel movement.” The patient said, “You’re telling me I gotta stick it up my butt!?” I answered, “Yes sir, this is an enema and it is used on the rear. There are detailed instructions and diagrams in the box.” The patient then said, “Buzz off!” And he stormed off. That was the last I saw of him. Not sure if he thought I was messing with him or what, but I hope he eventually got to go.
22. Is Oatmeal Good For The Brain?
I was waiting to get my colonoscopy done a couple of years ago and they were asking the lady in the next station if she’d fasted. They went through all the questions and double-checked that she had fasted, then after confirming, almost as an aside, she throws in that she had oatmeal for breakfast that morning.
The nurse said, “Ma’am, fasting means you can’t eat anything before the exam.” The lady answered, “I know. But I always have oatmeal for breakfast.” The nurse said, “I understand. But you can’t eat before this exam. The doctor has to look at your digestive system.” The lady answered, “But oatmeal is good for digestion.” The nurse explained, “You can’t eat anything before this exam. You have to be completely fasted, so he can look at your intestines.” The lady then goes, “But I always have oatmeal for breakfast.”
21. Doc, It Hurts When I Do This
I had a patient that came in and the skin on his junk was really red and inflamed and pain if it gets hard. He thought he got some sort of virus or something. We’re going over his health and he says he hasn’t slept with anyone in a while. So I ask him if he touches himself. He says he does it a “normal amount” which by that he meant “12-15 times a day.”
Welp, our only instructions for him were don’t touch his “down there” and see us next week if it doesn’t get better. I never thought I would have someone come in to tell me that they’re jerking so much it hurts and that I would have to explain to them that that means they should stop.
20. Is It?
My wife is a Medical Assistant at a pediatrics office. She had a parent of a boy who was probably 6 or 7 say, in the calmest and nonchalant tone, “My son really likes to eat his own poop. Is this normal? Is this healthy?”
My wife’s jaw dropped and had to tell this mom just how unhealthy it is and how abnormal eating YOUR OWN POOP is. She also asked if it is normal and healthy to breastfeed her husband.
19. Good Fat vs. Bad Fat
So I have a real issue with sticking with a career so I am both a nurse and was formerly a private chef. I’m well rounded I guess. At a family gathering, an aunt asked me about healthy diet options. I touted avocados as an excellent source of healthy fat. Cue shrill, mocking laughter from my now estranged sister-in-law. SIL had maxed out at the high school diploma but told everyone she had gone to culinary school because she took a few elective cooking classes. “Healthy fat? There is no such thing as healthy fats. Fat is fat. God, you’re funny.” Total mocking condescension.
I stared at her blankly and said, “I’m surprised they didn’t touch on diet at all in CULINARY SCHOOL.” And then resumed my other conversation. “Yeah, and AS A NURSE I’d think you’d know about diet.” I stared blankly again. “Yes, I do. Google it.”
18. “It Doesn’t Even Smell Yet!”
One of my clients was being treated for a pretty serious abscess on her foot. He doctor wrote nursing orders for wound care, which is pretty standard. The RN shows up on the first day and the client was utterly confused. The client thought the safest way to treat a wound was to bandage it and to leave the bandages in place until the wound completely healed.
Apparently, she had never before changed dressings or cleaned a wound while it was healing. And she was very resistant to having her bandage changed. She kept saying, “It doesn’t even smell yet!”
17. His Best Way To Impress Women
I had to explain to a man that jumping from a first-floor balcony onto an alfresco dining shade umbrella below will not make you bounce up and down like you are on a trampoline. Instead, your 100kg body will simply crash through the fabric onto the footpath below and break both your arms. You will not impress the ladies with this, like you originally intended – and besides, what exactly is a semi-obese man in his forties still doing trying to impress women like that?
What I actually said to him, which encapsulated all of the above, was ”What part of you thought it was a good idea?” followed by, ”And remind me how old you are again?”
16. The Best “Contraceptive”
I worked in women’s health and there are so many things but one that always makes me shake my head is a woman telling me that her doctor said if she pees after “making love,” she won’t get pregnant.
I had to explain to a grown woman who had already given birth three times that your urethra and your cervix are two different holes and peeing after intercourse can help prevent UTIs but not pregnancy. Learn about your body ladies, no one else is going to teach you.
15. Great Job!
I tried to explain to a graduate student, who was a few days from graduating, that she didn’t have to take her BMW to the dealer because the water stopped coming out of the windshield wipers.
I also told her that she could buy a bottle of fluid for like $1-$2 and just refill it. Guess what she did? She bought the bottle of fluid at an auto parts store and poured it into the gas tank.
14. How About The Left Arm?
I was giving a grown patient IV Benadryl for a rash and itching on the upper body. The IV was in the right arm so I started to give the medication into the right arm.
The patient panicked when I said I was done and said, “What do you mean you’re done? You only put it in my right arm my left is itching too!” I calmly explained that putting medication in the IV sends it to the whole body. She exclaimed, “You mean it even goes to my neck?” I said yes and she said wow.
13. Dinosaurs Are Real
I had to explain to an older lady that dinosaurs indeed did exist once. This strange conversation happened at the Museum of Natural History in DC, where we were both at the Smithsonian dinosaur exhibit looking at the very real dinosaur bones that are part of it.
The lady thought the bones surely must be fake, as dinosaurs were only mythical creatures… Now that she knows the truth, watching Jurassic Park will never be the same again.
12. You Can’t Photoshop Everything
At my first job, I had to create an ad for athletic wear for a boxer company. My boss sent me a Shutterstock photo of a guy running, but his back was facing toward the camera as he was running away. My boss told me that he wanted this exact photo with this guy, but he wanted the guy to be facing the viewer and running toward them.
I’m good at photoshop but I’m not “turn entire guy around so that his features and otherwise unknown details magically appear” good. I had to explain that what he was asking for was completely impossible.
11. And 207 If You’re A Male
Human anatomy can be tricky, but having to explain to someone there are more than six bones in the human body is still pretty outrageous. But that’s exactly what I had to do. Apparently, my girlfriend actually thought there are only six.
Her reasoning? Well, there is the head, the back, two arms, and two legs, right? So that must mean there are six in total. I had to break it to her the correct number is actually 206. Needless to say, she was mind-blown.
10. Labor Means Pain
I had a partner try to threaten to take our patient out of the hospital because she was in increasing pain and we weren’t stopping/fixing it. Note, she was in labor and minutes away from delivering. We had to explain that leaving now would not help her pain as it’s normal for pain to increase as labor progresses and by leaving, we would have to remove the epidural and that would definitely make pain worse (note, we had zero plans of actually doing any of this, but still had to point out how stupid his logic was.
There was no way we would let someone whose about to deliver to walk out. Like close enough we checked between legs to make sure no surprise baby on the bed level close to delivering). Luckily, her mom showed up a few minutes later and very quickly put him in his place. He tried to brag to her about how he was threatening to leave (going for “tough guy/macho” type persona) and she told him to either shut up or wait down in the lobby.
9. Elevator Up And Down
When you want to go up in the elevator, you press up. When you want to go down, you press down. This seems pretty much impossible to misunderstand. Right? Wrong.
While riding an elevator together one day, my girlfriend had always thought you had to somehow figure out where the elevator is in relation to the floor you’re on, and if it was for example under that floor, you had to press up (even if you want to go down)… Yeah, I barely get it either.
8. Who’s Faulty?
Oh jeez. When I was in paramedic/EMT school, I worked in an MRI department as an assistant. I told a very hardcore religious lady that all jewelry, hearing aids, dentures, anything but panties had to come off, and she had to go into a gown for her test. She said she never took off her iron crucifix. I explained how the machine worked, and warned the tech that she didn’t want to lose her crucifix. This crazy lady tried to hide the thing by wrapping it around her ankle and hiding it in her hospital sock.
Now, this lady was 5-feet and 100 pounds of pure tiny old lady. She took one step too far and the magnet caught the necklace and yanked her foot off the ground. Luckily, I was right behind her, managed to catch her on the way down and asked if she hid her cross in her sock. She tried to say she didn’t, and claimed the machine was faulty.
7. So Airplane Is A Bird?
I can really say that every teacher is that great at their job. I experienced a very surreal biology lesson where I had to explain to the teacher that a penguin is, in fact, a bird.
The teacher in question was adamant that wasn’t the case, since penguins can’t fly. I couldn’t believe my ears, but explained to her in front of the entire class that penguins, just like ostriches, are indeed birds – despite their lack of flying ability.
6. What Makes A Vegetarian?
Food isn’t vegetarian just because it has vegetables in it, and lack of vegetables doesn’t automatically mean it isn’t vegetarian. Story time: I went to a restaurant and was looking over the menu, which had vegetarian-friendly options marked. Pretzels with cheese weren’t marked, so I asked the waitress if she knew why. If it was just something in the cheese, I still wanted to split the pretzels with others at the table and skip the cheese dip.
Her answer? “Well, it’s like, um, so pretzels don’t have any vegetables like broccoli in them, they’re just bread, so they aren’t vegetarian. But if you wanted something that is, then you could maybe get the chicken and broccoli because it does have a vegetable with it. But like the mac and cheese wouldn’t be because it doesn’t have vegetables.” Mac and cheese was marked as vegetarian-friendly.
5. This Is Why You Shouldn’t Skip Your Reproductive Class
I (17 years old female) had to defend myself against a coworker (a 21 years old male) that no, my birth control was not an illegal substance. I had it in the package with the RX label and everything. Then, he proceeds to ask me, “Why are you taking that? Do you think you’re going to get pregnant at work?”
At this point, I couldn’t even explain myself because I was so blown away, and instead, I just had to tell him to go back to health class. Good riddance and no wonder why he comes into work and complains about his “crazy girlfriends having pregnancy scares.”
4. Some Crazy Coworkers
I had a coworker who said she didn’t eat eggs because they’re “forced feticide babies.” This lady refused to accept that unfertilized eggs don’t hatch and she didn’t have to worry because she’s just eating the chickens’ periods. After this conversation carried on far too long, she proceeded to eat a bowl of pasta that I’m 97% sure was made with eggs.
Another coworker of mine recently quit without notice. A few weeks later, she wasn’t liking her new job much and said she wanted to come back to the store. She could not comprehend the concept of being ineligible for rehire. If you quit without notice, they’re not going to take you back!
3. The Substance Man
I was an EKG (ECG) tech and a unit secretary for a 24-bed Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit. The worst one by far was we had a patient who was a long-time substance addict who was brought in by the Department Of Corrections because he was experiencing a 3rd-degree atrioventricular block (look it up if you want more information). This is a relatively common thing for habitual long time substance users. I was in the room, resetting my leads, when the cardiologist and his nurse were explaining to him that he needed a pacemaker to live. Not just for comfort, legitimately needed it to stay alive or his heart would flat stop from all the damage. He said he didn’t need one because his heart was fine, to which the cardiologist promptly replied, “That is factually not the case.” He proceeded to try to convince everyone in the room that this substance does absolutely no harm to your body and everyone just wants him to stop because they are jealous of how much fun he was having. I am trying so hard to not laugh while shaving portions of his hairy chest.
So they proceeded to bring every piece of evidence to him to convince him that substance is actually bad for you to save his freaking life. Yeah, that happened. Long story short, the doctor released him because they didn’t want to pay for his treatment, he checked himself out of the hospital against advice screaming, “Substance man here I come!” down the hallway, then made it to the parking lot before his heart stopped. They brought him back to life in the ER and he was back on my floor being prepped for surgery within the hour. I can’t make that stuff up.
There is this guy I know who is, probably, the smartest person I’ve ever met. He has two doctorates, several master’s degrees, and has published more works in his fields of interest than Stephen King has works of fiction. But I had to explain to him where his food came from. He was unaware that the creature called a “chicken” was the same as the food called “chicken.” He didn’t know that the various cuts of beef came from cows, that pork, ham, and bacon came from pigs. He was a city dweller his entire life, and the only animals he had ever seen were cats, dogs, pigeons, and squirrels. Cows, pigs, chicken, and other farm animals were only ever pictures in children’s books, and he stopped reading children’s books at a very young age.
There is a scene in one of Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories where Dr. Watson is surprised to learn that Sherlock Holmes is unaware of the heliocentric theory of the Solar system. To Holmes, knowing that the Earth orbits the Sun rather than the Sun orbiting the Earth doesn’t matter, because both would look the same from his perspective. He only has time to learn the things that matter right here. My friend was the same. His areas of interest were well outside the sources of meat on his plate. He didn’t need to know that both hamburger and steak both came from a cow, so he never bothered to learn it. But he was curious enough that he paid attention when I explained all this stuff to him.
1. “Animal Products”
My now ex-boyfriend is a vegetarian, but he would eat cheese and have yogurt. I asked him one day why he didn’t eat eggs. “Because they are animals, and I don’t eat animal products.” I explained that you need a rooster to fertilize the hen’s ovary to create a chick in the egg, he said, “No, that’s not what I meant, I don’t eat animal products.”
I explained that the milk from cows/sheep/goats made milk for yogurt and cheese that he ate, which are animal products. His reply? Blank look on the face. Nothing. Na-da. Still eats yogurt but not cheese now nor eggs.