When you open up your home to a guest, you expect them to be gracious, clean, and polite–and most people are. Some, however, do things like kick your dog, completely trash your place, and go to the bathroom in places that are not the bathroom. Read on for 50 stories about the worst things a house guest did in people’s homes.
50. Some Nasty White Stains
A few years ago, my cousin came to my house with my grandparents for my birthday, and we were supposed to hang out together. He is an extreme introvert and he prefers to be alone. He asked me if he can stay in my room alone and I agreed to it, wondering about his weird behavior. We didn’t see him for the rest of the day. When it was time for my grandparents and my cousin to go home, we all waited outside my room for him to come out. Before we had the chance to knock, he burst out of my dark bedroom, red-faced and with his hair messy and matted. He sped-walked straight to the car, and we all said our goodbyes. I figured he was tired that day and took a long nap in my bed. It was late when they left, and I was partied out, so I got ready for bed.
When I rested my head on my pillow, I felt a slimy substance in my hair and I immediately knew what it was. When I looked at my pillow, I saw a giant pool of white nastiness in the dent of my pillow. I was very grossed out, and vigorously washed my hair in my bathroom sink, switched to a clean pillow, threw the “soiled” pillow into the washer, and went back to bed.
49. A Horrible Father-In-Law
My father-in-law is, unfortunately, a pain who happened to stay at my home once. My SO and I cooked dinner (it was something with a tomato sauce), and after a dinner full of father-in-law making bad, bigoted statements, we went to clean up. The kitchen sink and dishwasher are maybe 10 feet from where he is sitting. I was taking my plate to the sink while making eye contact with and talking to my SO.
He apparently held out his plate full of tomato sauce for me to take to the sink right there and I didn’t notice. After I didn’t take it, his response was to flip the plate upside down onto the white carpet. He didn’t apologize or say “oops” or try to clean it up. His response was to cross his arms over his fat body and frown. He has not been invited back since, although whenever we’re frustrated we now say “Screw it, plate flip.”
48. Her Mother-In-Law Decides To Pee Where?
My mother-in-law was staying at our house. In the middle of the night, I hear her get up and then hear my garage door open. There being absolutely no reason for her to be out there, I get up to go see if she needs anything. I open the door and find her crouching over a cup peeing. I startled her which caused her to drop the cup, spilling her fresh urine all over my garage floor.
Her explanation was that someone (my husband) was in the only bathroom. That would fly except she didn’t even knock on the door! She just saw the door closed and went straight to peeing in a cup in the garage.
47. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Just last year I let a couple live with me when they first moved to Los Angeles to get settled in; we were all planning on finding a bigger apartment with them later. Her dad was best friends with my late father so even though we didn’t know her personally we assumed the best. The first thing they did was bring a golden retriever and a cat to my apartment that does not allow pets. After countless times of them not listening to me and us almost getting evicted–they finally listened–but then continued to bring the dog and cat back. It was exhausting. They didn’t pay rent or utilities and still owe me so much money. The girl was completely insane. she was the moodiest person I have ever met. She got wasted one night, and threw her cat against the ceiling and threw my friend in a closet. Then she took all my dishes and started smashing them.
The final month was coming up on our lease, and by this point, my other roommate was overwhelmed and moved out. The new guests were going to split rent with me. The day before rent was due they told me they were moving out and not giving me any money for rent. I could not afford the $2,500-rent by myself, so within a night, I was homeless. I had to move out that night into my best friend’s apartment. When they moved out, they took a bunch of my stuff, broke the window and dishes, and never helped clean the place at all. I was so lucky my landlord let me out of the lease. Never had I met such terrible people before in my life.
46. I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This
Christmas Eve 1997. The previous year had been full of huge milestones. I graduated from college, got a good job, and got my first place– a nice apartment in Omaha, which was about an hour and a half from where I grew up. As it was my first Christmas in my new place, and I had a guest room, my parents came to town to visit me and my dad’s sister and brother-in-law (my aunt and uncle) lived not too far away. My mom has a raging sweet tooth, so in addition to a delicious holiday dinner, my aunt had prepared her world-famous fudge, knowing my mom would be in town. My mom ate some fudge at the family gathering at my aunt and uncle’s house–no more than anyone else–and once we were at my place, proceeded to eat about half of the tin of fudge my aunt had sent home with her. “Don’t eat so much, Jean!” my dad kept saying her. “You know what happens!” “Oh, hush!” was her only response. “I’ll be fine.” She wasn’t fine. Around 11:30 p.m., after changing into her pajamas and settling in to watch the usual worldwide rebroadcast of midnight mass from Vatican City, my mom got a look on her face, accompanied by a gurgling noise. “I told you not to eat so much!” my dad said to her sharply. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Do you need some water, or Pepto or something?” No response. Mom was clutching her belly and wincing. “I need the bathroom!” she said as she started to get up. I was confused. I wasn’t sure what exactly was going on. I hadn’t lived with my parents for an extended period of time. “Oh no,” my dad said, as he stood to help her off the couch. “She’s not going to make it!” And she didn’t. She let out waves of diarrhea, all the way to the bathroom. Honestly, by the time she got to the bathroom, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even of any use, as everything had made its way to the beige carpet from underneath her flannel nightgown.
That was also the night I learned my mother never wore underwear to bed. I never asked why. Nor did I want to know the answer. What was really incredible about it all was how far the poop traveled. Obviously, the carpet took the brunt of it. However, it was also on the walls, on the couch, some made its way into the kitchenette, and I’m pretty sure I even saw a brown spot on the ceiling. This was some gravity-defying poop. I was disgusted, but I was also a little bit amazed. Baby Jesus did not escape unscathed. Neither did two sheep, a cow, Joseph, or two of the three wise men. Gabriel took it the worst, though. Balthazar, his camel, and Mary remained clean, but no amount of religion could make them unsee what had just transpired. I was 23 at the time. How many 23-year-olds do you know who keep a steam cleaner and industrial cleansers in their apartment? The correct answer is zero. Because if you did know that person, you’d be dead, because the only 23-year-old who would keep that sort of stuff on hand is clearly a serial killer. We did our best to clean things up–and by we, I mean my dad and me, because she was sitting on the toilet, crying, I guess trying to coax out whatever evil remained in her bowels. We went through every towel I had in the place – paper or otherwise – and then drove around Omaha until 2 a.m. looking for someplace where we could buy any sort of chemical to make the horrors in my apartment go away. We slept with the windows open that night. It didn’t remove the smell, but it helped. Dad and I spent the whole night doing laundry, scrubbing, and trying not to vomit at the thought of the atrocity we had witnessed. Finally, around 6 a.m., we went to bed. When I woke up around noon, dad had gone out to find more cleaning supplies, and mom was sitting in the kitchen, eating more fudge. I walked over to her, took the tin of fudge, dumped what was left in the trash, and took it to the dumpster outside. We never spoke of the incident again.
45. You’re Not Welcome
My brother-in-law came to stay at my flat, and brought his friend, who didn’t like dogs and was allergic to them. No problem, although I told him that was the dog’s home, and he’d have to live with it, but I’d try and keep the dog away from him as much as I could. I was in the kitchen and I heard him saying, “Screw off, no, go away,” so I guessed the dog was doing that thing that dogs do when faced with someone who doesn’t like dogs–not leave them alone.
I started to go into the front room to grab the dog when I heard a heavy “THUNK” sound. My dog yelped and scooted past me. The jerk had kicked my dog! I grabbed him by the front of his shirt, dragged him to the front door, threw him out, and told him that he wasn’t welcome in my home.
44. What A Prick!
We were going out of town for the weekend and a friend asked if he could stay at our house, since he lived with his parents in the country it saved tremendously on the commute to his job, plus that way he could actually go to a party and drink with the option of taking a cab ride home that didn’t cost close to a hundred bucks. I jokingly said, “Just as long as you don’t nail a random girl in my bed.” He waved it off since he didn’t have much luck with the ladies, plus he planned on sleeping on the couch.
From what I could tell when I came home afterward, there was a fermenting/rotting glass of our best stash in my bedroom. He was thoughtful enough to not want to leave a water ring on our St. Vinnie’s dresser, so he used a white silk shirt from my drawer as a coaster for whatever red drink he had concocted. Then, judging by the state of my bedsheets, he and his lady friend slaughtered a chicken together in my bed. When I brought up these facts, he basically acted like I was a witch for not being happy that he got lucky.
43. It’s A Prank!
We have a backup key hidden somewhere outside the house. Once, my sister locked herself out while with some friends, so she got the backup key and so her friends knew where the key was hidden.
Flash forward some time and we are coming home after going on vacation, and we find our house was broken into. Nothing was stolen but all the furniture was flipped upside down. Turns out my sister’s friends did it as a prank. In retrospect, it is fairly funny but my parents flipped over it.
42. Can You At Least Clean Your Puke First?
A little preface to my story. During my first summer in college, I lived at home. My parents have a beautiful, massive house that has a very open floor plan. They leave me in charge of petsitting our dozens of animals for a week. I decide to have some coworkers over for drinking games and hot tubbing. One of my rather annoying coworkers finds out and invites herself. She shows up and proceeds to drink more than anyone her size should ever drink. By 9 p.m., she is beyond wasted, and proceeds to vomit. She somehow manages to walk from my living room to the guest room, past three bathrooms and the kitchen sink, while vomiting the entire way. There was puke on the couch, carpet, walls, stairwell, and every piece of furniture between the living room and guest room. Once she stumbles in, she proceeds to take off all her clothes and throw her vomit soaked clothing onto the bed.
She then begins to rummage through my closet and finds herself something to wear, despite me begging her to go shower and let me bring her clothes. Obviously, she spends the night, and the next morning, as I am scrubbing the remnants of her vomit off of every surface in my house, she asks me “what are you going to make me for breakfast? I’m too hungover to drive right now.” She didn’t even attempt to help clean up her puke.
41. Threw A Party. Totaled The Car.
We (the family and I) were going on a trip, and we told a family friend he could crash at our house while we were gone but he would have to take care of things and pay for his own food and such. Halfway through our trip, we get a call from the police.
Apparently, he threw a huge party which trashed the house, then proceeded to take one of our cars and drive it through the front of the house, totaling the car and collapsing most of the front wall. This was last week. We had to cut our trip short and come home to deal with this. We are currently in the process of pressing charges.
40. Hulk Smashing The Fan
A house guest at my parent’s house stayed in my childhood bedroom. He was a 50-year-old serious drinker man, and in the middle of the night, I guess he decided he didn’t want the fan on anymore.
Instead of turning the fan off, he broke every fan blade off the ceiling fan and hid them under the dresser. Like he literally did it without turning the fan off. My parents had to buy a new ceiling fan because he hulk smashed the metal attachments.
39. He Had The Nerve To Point Fingers
About two years ago, my cousin (who I had never met) flew to Arizona for an internship. My entire family pressured me into letting him stay at my home for an entire month. The first thing he did was complain that I smoked (I never smoke inside, nor do I smoke in enclosed areas). The second thing he did was complain that the 42-inch LCD television in his bedroom wasn’t big enough and that the Stephen Colbert poster in his room was “tacky.” The first two nights he was there, I invited him to join my (then) girlfriend and me to watch Netflix. The third night I invited him to play Xbox. He said that was smothering. A week later, he told me that I “made him feel unwelcome” by ceasing to invite him to do such things.
The next week, he left a pizza in the oven for so long while he went outside “for a walk” that it lit on fire. He blamed me for not checking on it. After he left, his mother asked us whether he gave us any money for food or “fun.” She had apparently given him $1,000 that he was supposed to give to us throughout the course of the month in return for food and other things to show courtesy. The entire month I had wondered how he, a “starving college student” like myself, afforded a brand new wardrobe and shoes on a dime. That was the answer. My cousin is a pain.
38. A Perfectly Matched Couple
My wife’s four friends had stayed over after a party because they lived pretty far away. I was in the kitchen making coffee in the morning and one of her friends came up the basement stairs into the kitchen wearing nothing but her underwear. She didn’t say anything to me, she just shuffled past and went back into the spare bedroom. I was curious about what she was doing down there so I went and I checked. It turns out in her inebriated state, she couldn’t find either one of the bathrooms upstairs on the main level so she went into the basement and crapped beneath the stairs all over the floor.
When her husband came out of the bedroom, I told him that he had a mess to clean up and directed him to the basement so he could find his wife’s surprise. That’s when he decided to use our clean bath towels to smear her crap all over my basement floor, then he just tossed the towels into the laundry tub. I never spoke to either one of them again. One good thing did come out of it though. We now get to say that “poop the basement wasted” is the top of the wasted meter.
37. She Did It “All The Time”
After my mom passed away, her elderly friend came to visit. She asked me for some “liquid courage.” She pounded back four glasses of it. Then she whipped out a handful of sleeping pills and downed those. I freaked out. She said she did it “all the time.” She then proceeded to fall off the chair. She tried going upstairs and started to fall. I caught her and half carried her to bed. I heard her fall hard on the floor.
She was laughing and delirious (she was 74). I wanted to call an ambulance, but she flat out refused. I put her back to bed. Rinse and repeat three times. The next morning, I asked if she had other friends she could stay with and I drove her to them.
36. The Brat “Pet” Her To Death
A friend of ours was visiting with her child. This was not really a child, but an 8-year-old menace who, after five minutes, made it obvious the lack of discipline she grew up with. My daughter and the said psycho were playing in her room. The adults stepped outside to see/discuss something for a few minutes.
We return when we hear a squawk to find her holding my dove. The little brat opened the cage and grabbed the bird to “pet” her. Did you know you can’t squeeze a bird? It died from internal injuries less than two hours later. My daughter was heartbroken.
35. Irresponsible Pet Owners
I live in a Co-op, and we sometimes host couch surfers or friends of friends, and usually, it goes over great. Positive memories include me taking four Austrian girls to Six Flags and having one of the most fun days of my life, and otherwise meeting interesting and awesome people. The worst was a couple that came and stayed with us. They said they would only stay for two or three days. They came in a van, like, an actual hippy burner van that they lived in, parked in our tiny parking driveway, and brought an untrained puppy that they didn’t tell any of us about. The puppy peed on everything and fought with our dog, and harassed our cats viciously. Every time the puppy destroyed something, peed on something or harassed another pet, I’d ask it’s owners to do something about it and they would flip out on me. “He’s just a little puppy. How could we yell at him?” and would get super defensive while refusing to take responsibility at all for the fact that their animal was a menace.
They ended up staying two weeks with their huge stupid van in our yard. When the rest of the house got so fed up with their entitled ways and their stupid dog, they acted like we were the bad guys for making them leave, and that “If you guys are a co-op house, it’s not very in the spirit to force travelers to leave.” I hate that nonsense. Just because we are a co-op doesn’t mean we’re a haven for hippy freeloaders. It’s a home we keep clean and live in. Most of us have normal jobs and normal lives, we just prefer the reduced cost and increased companionship of a large house full of people. Hippies, man.
34. Her Long Distance Calls Caused Them Headache
Ten years ago, a friend, who was living in Europe, came to the U.S. to visit family. Her husband was here for a couple of weeks while they visited family, but he went back to Europe for work while she stayed with us for the rest of the summer. Unbeknownst to us, she had stopped taking her medications and started racking up long-distance phone calls to Europe in the middle of the night/early morning to talk to her husband. If she called his office and he wasn’t there, she would just ask to be put on hold until he returned to the office.
We received a $3,000 phone bill and realized what had happened. Thankfully, our phone company at the time listened to my story and agreed not only to set us up with an international plan to call Europe cheaply, but they made it retroactive to when she started staying with us. $3,000 became less than $200.
33. The Chef’s Soup
I had a wild party a few years back and some dude decided to make a “soup” in my bathtub. He was very inclusive in his approach and allowed anyone to add their own “ingredients,” but he was the chef and protected it all night.
I didn’t find out until the early morning because I was busy being off my rocker and all that. Included in the soup was: blood, a couple of sanitary products (not used), a lot of water, spirits, and adult beverages – some noodles, pasta, cereal, milk and a fish someone had taken from my neighbor’s pond which subsequently died. There was a ton of other stuff too, but that is what I remember.
32. With The Door Wide Open
A few years ago, I lived in a mobile home with my significant other. To help with bills and rent, we took in a guy as a roommate short term. It was supposed to be a week. The guy was my neighbor’s father. I should’ve figured out right there when he didn’t let his dad stay with him. On the first day, he set up a computer in his room. That’s cool, play World of Warcraft or whatever you do. Nope, he was watching cam girls. At a high volume. The second day, I came home to my door locked. My key wasn’t working. This dude had the audacity to change my locks while I was at work! He said he didn’t feel safe.
On the third day, I had friends over for a BBQ. We all worked at the same fast food restaurant. The store manager closed on Tuesdays, so we were off as a group. Every Tuesday, we’d eat, drink, and hang out. It’s a family affair. He brought some chick home, without giving us a heads up. And they got busy. In his room. With the bedroom door open. I was walking my buddy’s 3-year-old son to the bathroom as he didn’t want to go alone. That is when we saw him. Seriously, now I don’t even invite people to my house. Meet me somewhere. Nobody is coming over.
31. He Lost The Keys And…
My cousin (let’s call him JC) was traveling cross-country for work and decided to make an impromptu stop in Denver for a few days. I didn’t mind because I like having friends and family around. He was to arrive on a Monday, and I didn’t take time off so I’d be working in the day but afternoons and evenings were mostly free. The first day or two of him being there went fine until the Wednesday night that he tells me he wants to get out of the apartment. Mind you, it was already after 8 p.m., and I have to be up for work at 4:30 a.m. So, JC decides to call a cab and just go to a bar for a little bit. I wasn’t really for it, but I didn’t want to hold him back from seeing some of the city. I give him my address and a spare key. He leaves with the cabbie around 9 p.m. Fast forward to 2 a.m. I get woken up by a call from my cousin, messed up, asking to open the door. I’m like, “You have the key!” And he responds, “Open the door, I’m knocking!” I tell him, “JC, I don’t hear you knocking! Where are you?!” This went on for about 20 minutes of trying to get a wasted moron to make sense on the phone. I decided to throw on some clothes and drive around the community, simultaneously talking to him on the phone, and looking for a wasted idiot knocking on some random person’s door.
After much circling around, I find a cop car with two cops walking towards an apartment building (not far from mine). I get out and walk towards them. The cop approaches me and asks if I know the guy, and I tell the cop the truth of how it all played out. They tell me to stay by my car while they talk to him. A few minutes pass and JC stumbles over while the cops tell me to take him immediately. JC, in his wasted wisdom, was banging on the door of an apartment of a single mom with two children. He lost my stupid apartment key (which they were kind enough to replace without charge). He raged in my apartment and threatened to kick my butt. He then proceeded to pass out until I got back from work around 5 p.m.
30. Crazy Homies
My two bonehead friends were at a party at my house this past Halloween. This was a brand new house. I noticed them go missing for a while and went to go check to make sure they were OK. I went to the room where we were keeping all the jackets and I noticed the door was locked. I heard two people giggling, so normally, I would think someone was hooking up or something, but all the women were accounted for. So I got the keys out to open the door and the giggling got louder. The second I unlocked the door, it quickly locked again. Then it happened.
The ground started rumbling and I heard, “FOR THE SHIRE!” Kaboom. These two idiots broke down my door in my brand new house. I was on the other side and I got crushed. I was also holding a glass bottle, which got smashed. These guys are going to be at my wedding party this year. They bought me a new door and trim and installed it all. My fiancée didn’t talk to them for weeks, and she was mad at me too!
29. The PEErpetrators
Some friends of a relative stayed the night at our place with their kids while we were out of town. We asked if the children wet the bed so we could put plastic sheets down. They were confident the kids wouldn’t wet the bed, so we let it be.
We come home to find two of the beds (new mattresses) soaked in urine – not even stripped or changed. The kids had wet the bed in the night, moved to another bed and wet it again. Three weeks later we found used diapers under one of the beds. Never said thank you, never said sorry.
28. The Turd In The Sink
I was having a house party years ago. A pair of girls went into the bathroom together. Not uncommon. Well, one of them decided to urinate in my sink and accidentally dropped a loaf. They come out laughing and telling everyone someone must have taken a number two in my sink.
I was literally the last person in that bathroom before them. I even watched them walk in. And I don’t remember defecating in my own sink. After confronting them, they got angry and left. They didn’t even bother cleaning the turd out of my sink.
27. A Pretty Chick With Poop Problems
So this happened around two years ago. A roommate’s friend stayed over on our futon after a night out. My other roommate and I didn’t meet her until the next morning. I was studying in the kitchen when she came in and asked for a dishtowel. I thought that was kind of weird, but I handed her one. Soon after, she left. That was the only interaction I had with her. We started noticing a really awful smell throughout the house. It smelled TERRIBLE. I went to the bathroom to investigate. The toilet was full of brown, poopy water. It took several attempts and lots of gagging to unclog it. We cleaned the bathroom thoroughly and thought that would be the end of it. This was just the tip of the iceberg. The poop smell lingered over the next few days. We didn’t know what to make of it.
One night, after a couple of drinks, we sat down on the futon (on top of the blankets we kept there) with a movie and some chips and salsa. A few minutes into the movie, we started getting whiffs of the smell. They became stronger and stronger. We pulled back the blankets and recoiled in horror at the sight of the poopetrator. This chick almost certainly had explosive diarrhea on our futon. Not only that, she covered it up and didn’t say a word. We were pretty happy to find the culprit, but also horrified by the events that had transpired.
26. They Take, They Break
I share a house with several other people. I’m isolated from them by the layout, which leads to me going days without seeing my roommates. I find the situation to be ideal. We are friendly enough, but mostly see each other in passing. A guy we’ll call Steve moved into the big room upstairs. He seems nice enough, but turns out to have an out of control drinking problem. He doesn’t get violent or angry, but I keep getting quizzed about why things go missing from his room or why his food is being eaten. I have no idea, at first. It turns out he likes to get tanked up and make new friends. He gets hammered and drags strangers home to party. Drugsotgot come into play. Surprisingly, drug-addled hobos are not the most trustworthy individuals. They take things. They break things. Things get real. At one point, Steve tells me he is missing an incredibly insignificant amount of “party supplies” from his room. For two weeks, each time I see him, he brings it up. At first, I sympathize. Then I tire of the complaining. Finally, he theorizes that I left my side of the house, climbed the stairs, and ferreted out his stash while he was passed out. I blow up on him. He finally discovers that he threw the baggie out his window while paranoid and wasted, and laughs about it. Things come to a head one night when he brings a scumbag couple over. They party upstairs well into the night. Around 2 a.m., there is a knock on my door. A stranger is holding out a ratty bath towel. “Here. Sorry.” He turns. “What is this?” I ask. Turns out, buddy boy has been partying and drinking rotgut so long that his innards are rotting. He went to the bathroom to drop a deuce, and instead sprayed the entire room with the contents of his festering colon. The chunks of feces went everywhere.
After the application of half-a-roll of toilet paper, he flushed. The massive clog caused the poop to be evenly distributed across the floor. He solved the problem by using my nice bath towel to clean up. When he realized the damage he had done to it, he took it into the backyard and threw it under a bush. Then he got an old towel that he had in his trunk for some unknown reason and delivered it to me. Getting the whole story out of him took quite a bit of time and effort. When he led me to the towel’s burial spot, I found that it had huge patches of poop covering it. It looked like someone had mixed plaster of Paris and chunky mustard together, then sacrificed a chicken over it. I was horrified. I had it out with Steve the next day. He kept saying, “I’ll wash it,” and denying any responsibility in introducing this idiot into my world. When he left for a meeting, buddy boy showed up looking for him and wanted to hang out in his room until he returned. I told him to kick rocks before his head got caved in. Things got much worse with Steve before we found him collapsed in the breezeway. His internal organs were in shutdown, and the prognosis is grim. His family arrived to start hauling away all the junk he had managed to drag to the house, and the very first entry into his room revealed massive damage, jugs of urine, rotten food, and worse. The landlady declared a biohazard and is contemplating legal action. Good times.
25. Teaching A Jerk A Lesson
It wasn’t my home, but it was a beach house my family had rented. First, this wasted guy pointed at a friend’s stomach and said, “You are too fat.” Then, while talking to my brother-in-law and his friend (both Navy F14 pilots) he said, “Think you guys could teach me to fly?” “Sure.” They said in good humor. “OK, you teach me to fly, and I will teach you how to be an engineer like me.” The guy did this kind of nonsense all night, including basically groping my wife and half the girls at the party. At the end of the night, my sister had retired to her room. She said she was getting undressed when he barged into the room. She said, “Get out of here!” And that he replied, “You know you want me to be here.” At which point she screamed for help.
My brother-in-law and his friends were among the last people up (those Navy pilots can really drink), and so they ran into the room following the screams and grabbed the guy. I was coming out of my room by then, awakened by the screams, and watched as they dragged the idiot out onto the balcony (it was a three-story house). They pushed the guy against the railing and acted like they were about to lift him over it. My brother-in-law’s friend says to him, “Either you get out of here and never come back, or your first flying lesson is tonight.”
24. Friendship Over
I had a friend who had some kind of unhealthy urethra. It made him have multiple streams when he urinated. But he REFUSED to sit down and pee, because “that’s for women.” He apparently also refused to clean up after himself.
Every time he left my house, without fail, I’d have to use a mop to clean up his pee. I called him out on it, and he laughed like I should be laughing with him. We weren’t friends long.
23. He Makes The Water Gray
My (now ex-) husband and I rented a room to one of his coworkers. His coworker never washed his hands so there would be dirty handprints on every railing or door handle from the front door up to his room. He never showered but he would have a bath roughly once a week. This left my white bathtub a grey color with a black ring all around the top. He never flushed, so this left my white toilet a nasty brown color.
The first time I saw the bathroom after he had been there for a week or so I cried. He smelled awful. He played hockey a couple of times a week but still would just have a bath about once a week, so it was very hard to be around him if he wanted to spend time out of his room. He never cooked, he just ate chips or fast food in his room and left the garbage in there until my husband would tell him it was time to clean it out before we got bugs. It was awful.
22. The Crazy Girlfriend Ruined Their Friendship
I love this friend of mine to death and I miss hanging out with him, but I think his girlfriend is the worst, and she’s no longer welcome in my house. I’m the kind of person that feels someone’s home is sacred; you show them respect when you’re in their home and expect respect from those who come into your home. They came over for game night. Mind you, this is my second time meeting this hussy, and I already did not care for her, but he was happy to be seeing someone, and I wanted to give her another chance. I should preface: there are two bathrooms in my house. One is the “public” bathroom, middle of the hall, for everyone. My roommates are in charge of keeping this bathroom clean and generally do a good job. The second one is my private bathroom in my bedroom, which is the master bedroom. No one uses that bathroom but me. Now I will admit, my bathroom is gross, but again, it’s my private bathroom nobody should be seeing. Also, I close my bedroom door when I have guests over. So this hussy got up and said she had to use the bathroom.
She was gone an awfully long time, then when she came back, she went, “Your bathroom is disgusting, just so you know.” I thought my roommates had cleaned the main bathroom, but I could be wrong? So I apologized and said, “Well, my roommates are usually good about keeping it clean, but you know we all work a lot and don’t always have time to-” “No, no, the hallway bathroom is fine. Your bathroom. I wanted to see what your room was like, so I walked in and looked around. Your bathroom is gross. There is no excuse for that.” Respect for my friend, who I’ve known for 18 years, is the only reason I didn’t kick this bimbo out of my house. MY BEDROOM DOOR WAS CLOSED. Who does that? As a guest in someone’s house, going through and giving themselves a private tour without asking the host, then criticizing them for their own private areas that they’d closed off? I’m not easily offended, but this nonsense just ticked me off hard. I miss my buddy a lot, but they’ve been together for a year now and there’s no getting rid of her. I refuse to hang out with him with her around.
21. “Mother Knows Best”
Almost every time my mom came to my house, she did something messed up. She would break things, or decide something needed fixing and call up whatever repair or service person was, then just present me with the bill when I came home from work. She flooded my kitchen once, which leaked out all over my living room and warped my hardwood floors. I came home once and she had repainted my kitchen.
But the worst was when she left candles burning and we woke up to my living room in flames. Almost killed us both. I live in Asia now in a small studio apartment. So even when she comes to Asia, she can’t stay in my home.
20. A Bunch Of Ungrateful Kids
We were housing a few homeless kids (14, 16, and 17) for a while; their mom was a drug addict and stopped coming around to see them after awhile. The youngest (female) would frequently just leave used tampons on the floor. I was 14 at the time and couldn’t invite friends over anymore because the 16-year-old (male) would hit on all my friends and try to touch and cuddle with them while they were sleeping. The youngest left after a couple of months, because she didn’t like our house rules and missed her mom.
The oldest left after we found out she was lying about attending online schooling and was frequently shoplifting and stealing people’s things around the house. The 16-year-old boy ended up staying the longest (1 year) and ended up getting kicked out because we got into an argument and he ended up trying to choke me. Good times.
19. Worst Sister Ever!
My half-sister is the worst house guest! She and her brood moved in with my dad and stepmom. She is 48, married, has four kids, and a dog. She’s also extremely lazy! She doesn’t do laundry, cook, clean, or even clean up the crap her dog takes on the rug, all because she is a guest. My dad’s house now smells and looks like an episode of Hoarders. I invited my dad and stepmom over for dinner a few days ago. They showed up and less than a minute later my sister and her kids (just the two not in college) were on my front porch. She followed my dad to my house and decided she was having dinner with “us.” She then proceeded to call me a horrible cook, housekeeper, and parent. My house was critiqued by her, and well, my family, my house, and I failed her standards test. For some reason, she decided to bring up my oldest son’s medical condition–an ultra-rare, but treatable condition.
She said if he was her kid she wouldn’t have been able to handle having a sick child. She would have let him “go” instead of selfishly keeping him alive. My son is four years old and he got sick when he was two. He has a few medical needs but he is 100% normal and okay. My stepmom went off on my sister. She told my half-sister that she didn’t have to see my son fighting for his life in the pediatric ICU like she did. She didn’t realize how it’s a miracle my son is alive, and that we met several people in the PICU whose kids died. She told my sister that she isn’t a strong enough person or a good enough mother to go through what I have. So she should just keep her fat mouth shut!
18. From White To Orange
Our house guests seemed to break or ruin everything. They broke our toilet, they put a hole in the wall, they allowed their toddler to eat spaghetti on our white sofa; it spilled everywhere, and they just turned the cushion over. Our bathroom lock broke clean off and there was a giant gouge out of our new kitchen counter.
Obviously, we weren’t there–we loaned our house to them while we were out of town. Also, I was not allowed to bring any of this up because it was my partner’s really good friend and he didn’t want to compromise their relationship.
17. One Rule: Don’t Let The Cat Outside
We had a house guest staying for a week while he interviewed for jobs in our area. He was told that there was just one major house rule: “Do NOT let our cat outside. He’s an indoor cat only, and has never been outdoors on his own.” Well, we came home from work one day that week and found that he had left the sliding glass door and screen to the deck open while he went for a walk. The cat was gone, nowhere to be seen.
We searched the neighborhood and enlisted our friends to help. Our beloved pet was missing and the house guest couldn’t understand why it was “such a big deal.” At that point, I told him that our cat meant more to us by far than his so-called friendship and out he went, not to return. Miraculously, long after we had given up hope, one day Mr. Kitty returned. He was sitting on the deck, meowing through the screen door!
16. Wreck Of A Woman
A few years ago, my old housemate’s mom came to visit. I’d just finished a 14-hour shift in the pub I was working in at the time. I came home to find her in the kitchen off her face, in her tights, surrounded by broken glass on the floor and eating my cereal from the bag.
She’d smashed all the glasses. She was a councilor for the Tory party, too. My housemate had passed out, so I had to deal with this wreck of a woman who I’d never met before.
15. Some Crust Punks
When my friend and I were roughly 17, we came across some young transients in Philly. Being fresh from a youth group retreat and generally idealistic, we decided to buy them dinner. Then we decided to give them shelter for the night. We snuck them into my friend’s gated community, and then into the clubhouse.
When we came to bring them breakfast the next morning, the place was trashed. Like, chandelier ripped down from the ceiling, trashed. While I am still more than happy to give whatever help I can to the homeless, I am less likely to give to the crust punks who are clearly homeless by choice.
14. An 8-Year-Old Jerk
When my boys were young, they had a sleepover. There were about four to five boys from the neighborhood. One of the boys was…weird. You know how you sometimes get that hair-on-the-neck feeling about some people? So I didn’t like this kid. I tried not to have him in my house, but he had to be included in this sleepover. The original idea was a tent in the backyard, but the weather wasn’t good, so the tent ended up in the middle of the den. It’s a two-story house. Upstairs were bedrooms and a bathroom. Downstairs was the tent in the den and a guest bathroom. After all the kids went to sleep, I went upstairs to my bedroom. There was NO reason for any kid to be upstairs during the night. When I woke up in the morning, there was water coming from under the upstairs bathroom door. And the door was locked. I pounded on the door. No answer. I ran downstairs to check on the boys. All still in the tent, but there was water raining down through the ceiling and onto the tent. I grabbed a screwdriver, ran back upstairs, and pried open the bathroom door. The water was running in the bathtub. And there was our new kitten floating in it, dead. I turned off the water, laid down some towels to absorb the water, and shut and lock the bathroom door. I ran back downstairs to check the kids again, but they were all still asleep. I woke them up, told them there’d been an accident with the plumbing. I got them out of the water-soaked den, into their clothes, and sent them home. Except for this weird kid. He refused to leave. I settled my boys and the weird kid, who would not leave, down in front of the TV with some breakfast. I went back upstairs to sort out the bathroom and the dead kitten. I had no idea what happened, but I didn’t like what was running through my mind. I locked myself in the bathroom so the boys couldn’t wander in. I was mopping water and wondering what I was going to do with a dead kitten and how I would explain this to my kids when the weird kid started knocking on the bathroom door.
Conversation through the door: Him: “I need to use the bathroom.” Me: “Use the one downstairs.” Him: “I want to use this one.” Me: “Go downstairs.” Him: “What’s wrong in there? Do you need some help?” Me: “…” Him: “Is something wrong? I can help you.” Me: “No. Use the bathroom downstairs.” Him: “Oh. Have you seen the kitten? I can’t find him.” Me: “I’m sure the kitten is around someplace. Go downstairs.” Him: “Can I come in the bathroom and look for the kitten?” I freaked out. Creepy, sadistic little jerk. I don’t care if he was only 8 years old. Me: “You need to go home.” Him: “My parents can’t come get me yet. It’s too early.” Me: “Then WALK! It’s only half a block. I’ll call your mom and tell her you’re coming.” I unlocked the bathroom door to get that weird, crazy kid downstairs and to call his parents. I had to body-check that kid to keep him out of the bathroom. He tried to run around me. I can’t prove anything, but I think that kid drowned the kitten in the bathtub in the middle of the night. I never let that kid in my house again. I didn’t tell his parents anything about what happened because, frankly, his parents were just as weird.
13. The Cheap Millionaire
My aunt and her brother (let’s call him AB) came over to visit my family. He was notoriously cheap (like he brought a rice cooker to a public bathroom to use the water and electricity to cook rice cheap), although he was a millionaire. He had also been trying to set his daughters up with my brother, which is why he came over. We decided to buy three family size Popeye’s sets and three gallons of orange juice for an eight-person lunch, thinking we’d have at least one set leftover for my aunt to bring home for my uncle. Between my family of four, we maybe ate half a box of chicken, half of the sides that came with it, and half a gallon of juice. AB proceed to eat two full boxes of family sized Popeyes, ate all the sides that came with it, and drank two gallons of juice. His wife had to stop him because he was eating so fast that she thought he was going to choke and AB was giving dirty looks to people who went back for a second piece of chicken. After all that was consumed, he went to our bathroom and completely destroyed our toilet. Poop everywhere. On the toilet seat, under the toilet seat, the rim of the toilet, on the ground around the toilet, and on our bathroom vanity side, which was next to the toilet. He also clogged the toilet and tried to unclog it I guess? The plunger was covered in feces and toilet paper on the ground. He walked downstairs like nothing happened and didn’t say anything.
He then proceeded to eat half a platter of fruit I just had served; I guess it was probably three oranges, two apples, and a quarter of a watermelon? I was very taken back when I went to the bathroom and had to discretely grab my mom to show her. I end up having to clean it up because my mom didn’t want to make a scene of it. I’m still a bit traumatized. He wouldn’t leave until we ordered a huge dinner for at least 12 people and proceeded to take all the food once it was brought home. He was never invited back to our house.
12. Thanksgiving Nightmare
My in-laws lived in a different state and decided to come to stay with us for Thanksgiving. Despite my family inviting all of us to share Thanksgiving together (my parents lived less than a mile away), they insisted we do our own Thanksgiving. That’s fine because we never see them and it’ll be nice to have time with just them. Well, my dad’s cousin, who was more like an uncle to me, dies right before they come. His funeral is scheduled on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. My in-laws arrive on Monday and not long after, my sister arrives and drops by with her kids. This turns out to be a big deal for the in-laws who request that she leave. She obliges; it’s not like she was going to stay for long and I didn’t see the issue but, it is what it is. The next day is the funeral. The in-laws act like it’s a huge inconvenience. My family member died. I’m going to their funeral. At this point, I’m at the “highly annoyed” level of their stay but I apologize and remind them that I need to pay my respects on time. I come home to my turkey thawing out in the sink. Since we “don’t really have time to spend with them,” they decided we had to do Thanksgiving a day early so they could actually leave on Thursday, instead of Saturday like they had planned. I am livid at this point but I bite my tongue and say, “OK, we will have Thanksgiving a day early.” Crap. My husband took the entire week off of work for their visit but we will accommodate this plan too. I get up at the crack of dawn and start cooking. I cook and cook and cook. Does my mother-in-law help? No. Does my father-in-law help? No. Does my sister-in-law help? Nope, not her. I cook the whole meal from start to finish. My in-laws sit outside and ignore me the whole time, spouting off that the oven makes the house too hot. I set the table. Nice dishes, serving trays, the whole nine yard, because hey, I want it to be nice. My niece decides she wants to sit in my seat, next to my husband. Uhhh… that’s not how this works. That’s my seat. I just cooked this whole meal. She proceeds to throw a fit and say how it’s not fair because I’m closer to the food if I get to sit in my seat.
Fine, I’m over arguing, let’s sit down and eat. Oh no, my mother-in-law has finally had enough and a screaming match ensues between my niece and my mother-in-law to the point where my mother-in-law stomps outside to retrieve a switch with which to spank my teenage niece. More screaming. Stomping. Tears. My husband is trying to wrangle the situation but he is losing the battle. Finally, everyone sits, sniffling, angry and huffy but they sit. I realize that not only have they been terrible the whole time they’ve been at my home, but they are also ruining my Thanksgiving. So I make my plate and I say a prayer and I tell my kids we are going to go around the table and say one thing we are thankful for. When it gets to me, I look at them lined up across from me and I say, “I’m thankful that you all are leaving tomorrow.” I didn’t even bother getting out of bed the next morning to say goodbye and I still resent that whole visit. I could go on and on about my in-laws but I’m trying to move forward and not dwell. I just really don’t have anything to do with them anymore. And we had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner with my family on Thanksgiving day, so all’s well that ends well.
11. Not Even A “Thank You”
Some years ago, a friend of mine visited me in the city I lived in at that time. We slept at my boyfriend’s place where he lives with a roommate. She was rude the whole time, making stupid jokes about the guys and said they couldn’t cook just because they used powdered chicken broth as an ingredient. I kicked her to the rail station the next morning but she forgot her phone charger and we hadn’t enough time to get it before the train arrived. So my boyfriend rushed with his bicycle to bring it to us. She never once said “thank you,” not for the food they cooked her, not for the provided bed, and not for her stupid charger.
After one year passed, I decided to invite her again, because my boyfriend and I moved in together to a beautiful and amazing apartment. She came with a new lover we had never heard about and her untrained dog. I didn’t say anything about the dog as it climbed on our couch drenched in rain from outside, but what made me furious was that she didn’t bat an eye as her dog started to dig its claws into our couch. Not only doesn’t she respect other people or their effort for her and their belongings but she is fully incapable of raising and training an animal or caring for it. Her visits were the straw that broke the camel’s back to end this friendship. I couldn’t take her personality any longer.
10. Two Months Later…
I once had a party at my mom’s flat while she was gone (with her permission). One of my less close friends begged me to let her invite her boyfriend and I agreed.
Well, the boyfriend puked on my mom’s balcony and never told anyone. It was also January so we discovered the puke two months later when it started to melt. I asked around and was told it was him by two people who saw him puke. I have no idea why they didn’t let me know then.
9. The DigiThief
When I was young, a kid from down the street was around my house. We were messing about in my room, and he saw my Digimon cards and started going through them. We then went outside to play. While kicking a ball about on my driveway, a load of Digimon cards fell out of his pocket. I went over to look at them, of course, they were mine.
I looked at him, and his face was red, obviously embarrassed. I calmly picked up all the cards, without a word and took them inside my house. I went back out to play, like nothing ever happened. Thinking back on it now, WHO THE HECK STEALS DIGIMON CARDS! THEY WEREN’T EVEN POPULAR!
8. A Psycho Bully
I had a party when I was about 15– more jelly and ice cream than adult beverages and going wild as we were fairly sheltered. Somebody brought along their friend, who looked a similar age to us (quite short) but he was actually 23 at the time. He brought along a bottle of alcohol and proceeded to drink 3/4 of it within a couple of hours; we’re talking 7 pm here. Nobody else at the party was drinking at all, just hanging and playing cards. Then he ignored the two different bathrooms and went into the kitchen, where my parents were trying to avoid being embarrassing to me, and vomited into the kitchen sink all over the plates, and then left without saying anything or helping to clear up.
The following day, he went on Facebook and made a number of very cruel personal comments about me, and then when I rang him in tears to tell him to take it down and that he should apologize for the mess he’d made of the kitchen (which I had to clean up) he recorded the conversation, uploaded it to YouTube and then made great efforts to distribute it on Reddit and across Facebook. No idea why his embarrassment at being drunk jerk evolved into being a bully, but it’s been 10 years and I still avoid him if I bump into him in the street. Psycho creep.
7. Are You A Princess?
I had a really spoiled princess-type friend who always expected me to cater to her when she would come to visit (I didn’t really want her to visit, but she’d just announce she was coming and I dealt with it).
One morning she texted me to wake me up, saying “Can you please get up and make me breakfast?” I wish I could say that was the last straw, but it wasn’t until she pitched a fit that I didn’t make her a bridesmaid and boycotted my wedding that I finally called it quits.
6. Your “Sorry” Won’t Fix Everything, Dear
There are two categories of house guests in this world: those who are grateful to see you and those who think you should be grateful for getting to see them. This brood counted themselves amongst the latter. They were my ex-girlfriend’s family, consisting of a mother, a grandmother, an aunt, an uncle, and a demonic child who may have finally ended up murdering all those idiots like I imagined he probably would someday. They whirled into town because my ex-girlfriend had an event and, whenever she had an event, some massive section of her clan would descend upon the city to offer all of the moral support. They arrived while I was still at work. My girlfriend texted me and I cringed, knowing the results would probably be bad. The living room was already destroyed. Completely destroyed. Furniture had been dragged away from the walls and repositioned to offer a better view of the television set. The coffee table was covered in debris: food wrappers, water bottles, glasses. The books I kept stacked there had been knocked over onto the floor, where they remained in a pile of chaotic mockery. Blankets had been pulled from every cranny and draped carelessly over whatever could hold them. The demon was sitting on one of the armrests of my easy chair and had subsequently pulled the armrest from the rest of the body. Someone said hello to me and I couldn’t handle it. I smiled as politely as I could and retreated to my office for the remainder of the evening. No one noticed me go and later on, I could hear the yelling and panic from the other room as someone knocked over a bottle of red juice and spilled its contents across my living room floor. Then they loaded up a movie and proceeded to argue about whether-or-not it was appropriate for the Demon. It was “Bridget Jones’s Diary.”
I spent the entire evening in that office, listening to them annihilate small pieces of my apartment through a mixture of hubris and strange entitlement, not leaving until I could be absolutely certain they were on their way out. When I finally emerged, the room looked as though it had been ransacked by a gang of teenagers. Someone had ordered Chinese at some point, so now my kitchen was stacked full of filthy plates and leftovers. The trash can was overflowing, but no one had bothered to replace it. There were noodles on everything–the furniture, the tables, the sink. EVERYTHING. The guests, upon witnessing this carnage, were content to simply leave. My ex’s mother leaned in close, still wasted, and whispered, “It looks like we made a mess. Sorry,” before escorting the grandmother from the door. I was livid, but the ex wasn’t prone to taking my side of these things. So I took photos of the whole thing and emailed them to my friends so I could at least share my contempt with friends.
5. Jane The Brat
I have an 11-year-old cousin, we’ll call her Jane, who came to my house (along with my aunt and uncle) for the Fourth of July last year to celebrate with us. Around 11 p.m., my aunt and uncle got tired and decided to head to bed. Jane, my mom, some friends, and I stayed up a while longer and watched Jane play with what was left of the sparklers. Jane was a little brat the whole day. She was constantly screaming at her mom and my little sister, and tearing up our house. She kept demanding we give in to her every want, whether it was the music being played or the food being cooked. She was being awful and no matter what my aunt or uncle or even my own parents did, she wouldn’t calm down. A little later, about midnight, Jane went into the kitchen, which leads directly to the backyard where we were shooting fireworks. There’s a bay window that looks out on the yard, but if the kitchen lights are on it while it’s dark out, the window glares so bad you can’t see out, you can only see in.
Well, Jane grabbed some orange juice out of the fridge. No big deal, but then my little sister walked into the kitchen and Jane froze until she left, which prompted my mom to watch her a little more closely. After my little sister left, we watched Jane grab a big bottle and fills half the cup with it and the other half with orange juice. My mom burst into the kitchen and, after Jane denied she just poured herself a nightcap, my mother cop-locked the girl’s arms behind her and pushed her to the guest room. She woke up Jane’s parents to let them know what happened. My uncle patted her down to find she also stole three smokes and a lighter from my dad. They left the next morning.
4. Just Like Miley
This all happened when we were 14. I had one of those hanging chairs in my room. One time, a friend decided to climb onto it and swing like Miley Cyrus until I had to physically pull her off. She also went through my closet while I was in the bathroom, found a bunch of my old journals from elementary/middle school, and tried to read them. Then she started fighting me when I tried to take them away. I practically had to tackle her.
Also, every time she came over, she’d spend the entire time playing games on my iPad and ignoring me. One time, I hid the iPad and she spent the entire time laying on my couch looking depressed. She was not a great friend.
3. Who’s Rude?
I was 15, having a bad period, and attempting to eat soup at the dinner table while holding a heating pad. This lady friend of my uncle, who no one, including my mother, had met either before, walked in.
Even before saying hi to the hostess, she asked me if I was pregnant. Cue shocked silence, her laughingly saying, “Well, I had to ask.” I replied, “No, no you didn’t.” My mother stood up for me when the woman called me rude. I was rude?
2. She Just “Whoops”
Someone at my house tried to increase the water pressure in the shower by twisting the little knob under the sink, which MAKES NO SENSE. So she did that and water started leaking inside the walls.
She caused serious water damage to the paint and wood in three rooms and two stories of our house. She knew it happened, too. She just said, “Whoops,” and never apologized either.
1. A Cabinet Full Of Crap
This happened to my friend when we were kids, but I was there when this happened. I’m from a very rural area in Vermont. There was a program in the 1990s called “The Fresh Air Program.” The program was for kids from inner-city areas to experience what it’s like to live outside of the city and experience nature. So this kid comes and stays with my friend for a few days. He’s nice and had a really nice time, we hung out all week. Then it’s the day after he leaves and my friend called me to hang out.
We lived down the street from each other at the time. So we’re hanging out for a while and I use the bathroom. When I get in the bathroom it smells terrible, I mean like really BAD. So I said something to him about it and he goes in there and he says, “What is that awful smell?” We were the only ones there so we knew it wasn’t either of us. We look under the sink in the cabinet. It turns out the kid from “The Fresh Air Program” didn’t know that toilet paper was supposed to be used and had been using their HAND TOWELS as toilet paper for a week. So pretty much we found a cabinet with a week’s worth of crap in it. We were around eight-years-old, but I will never forget that. Needless to say, his family did not sign up for that program again.