The world is filled with all kinds of people, and that’s what makes it interesting. Indeed, if there were only smart people in the world, life would of course be better in some ways, but it would also be boring. Who would we laugh at?
In the following stories, people share their encounters with friends, family members, and co-workers who said and did some shockingly stupid things. Read on for some very entertaining and cringe-inducing stories!
45. Rare = Expensive
My brother and his girlfriend both got salmonella from eating food she cooked. After some questioning, she admitted that she cooked the chicken “rare, because that’s how the expensive places do it.”
She also put her finger into a handheld blender and turned it on to see if she could stop the blades from spinning. She couldn’t, and it chewed up her finger. She was 21.
44. This Is Why You Need To Stop Taking Life So Seriously
My brother and I used to work in a bar with this bloke who wasn’t the finest wine on the shelf. One night, this bloke and my brother were washing glasses and stacking them away. He asked my brother where a particular type of glass got stacked. My brother jokingly said, “Oh, whenever I don’t know where to put a glass, I just smash it.”
Without hesitation, the old mate smashed the glass he was holding on the edge of the nearest table. I loved working with that bloke.
43. At Least You Won’t Get Gingivitis On Your Arms
As a kid, my parents would tell me to go brush my teeth and, being a lazy and stupid kid that I was, I would go to the bathroom, lock the door, run the water, wet my toothbrush, and rinse my mouth to make it look like I had brushed my teeth.
I would also squeeze tiny blobs of toothpaste to make it look used, and would rub the toothbrush across my arm to make the brushing noises, while eating mints to make my breath seem legit. All in all, this process took more time and effort than actually brushing my teeth. So yeah, I was the stupid person.
42. Strike Three!
It was me. My dad was sleeping on the couch and I happened to be holding an avocado. Without giving it a second thought, I chucked the avocado at his head for no reason. It plonked right off his forehead, waking him up of course. He was so furious he couldn’t look at me for the rest of the day.
I was like 11 years old, and my dad has a temper. The moment it left my hand I knew my life was ending so I just helplessly watched it sail into his sleeping face.
41. When No One Wants Your Wiener
I was really drunk once, lying in my bed, trying to eat a hot dog wiener. No bun. Just the wiener. It wasn’t even cooked. I was apparently far too drunk to handle eating it so I (for whatever reason) chucked it over my head, out of my top floor window and onto the lawn.
My downstairs neighbor was apparently walking to the house when I did it. She complained to our landlord about me throwing a raw wiener at her at 2 a.m. Our landlord luckily found my explanation really funny.
40. I’m Gonna Getcha!
An old co-worker named James. We worked at McDonald’s and were both 16. One time, while mopping the lobby, he for some unknown reason decided to chase a number of customers around with the mop yelling “I’m gonna getcha.”
So yeah, he was fired on the spot. Also, he probably was the one who broke the ice cream machine by screwing it with his mop.
39. A.M. Vs. P.M.
I have a friend who was out of work and looking for a job, only to strike up a conversation with the CEO of a company he was interested in working for. The CEO liked him and told him to show up the next day at 10, to his house no less.
He showed up at 10–10 p.m. The lights were out and no one answered, so he rang the doorbell until the CEO woke up and told him to get the heck off his property.
38. Oh Crap
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. When I was twelve years old, I was hanging out at my friend’s for the night. His sister also had a girlfriend spending the night. They were hanging in sister’s bedroom and we were playing video games in the den. I thought it would be funny to crack the bedroom door and moon them.
Their backs were turned from the door, and after 10 seconds or so with them not noticing I thought it’d be funny to rip a fart to get their attention. Bending over in the middle of the doorway, pushed one out. Shat. Long story short, his dad called my dad to come to pick me up and while I was waiting, I still snivel-snot crying, cleaned it up while the girls kept yelling how gross I was.
37. Good Work, Son!
We were driving to a restaurant and wanted to see how long the wait was. My dad handed me the phone book and asked me to look up the number. I, for whatever reason, thought he said: “Get rid of this.”
So I opened the window and chucked the phone book out while we were going 70 mph down the highway. That was over ten years ago and I still get mocked for it. Yep, I was dumb.
36. We All Scream For Ice Cream
I was the stupid one. I was a little mentally out of it one time and eating ice cream out of a big tub. I needed my hands for something and instead of just putting the ice cream down, I chucked it out of the window. That way just seemed easier, I guess.
As you can imagine, there was someone passing my window, but they just went “What the heck?” and laughed. I hid under the table for a while and lamented the loss of the ice cream.
35. Miracles Do Happen
My brother’s girlfriend believed she couldn’t get pregnant because her mom allegedly told her that only teenage girls get periods. Since her periods didn’t magically stop on the day of her 20th birthday, she believed her womb was “busted” like her aunt’s and she couldn’t get pregnant. My brother, the second stupidest person I know, believed her and said that our mother, who is a nurse practitioner of gynecology, was full of you-know-what.
Naturally, she tested pregnant after two months of dating my brother. Instead of just admitting that my mother was right, they believed their conception was a “miracle from God.”
34. Things You Do For “Love”?
This girl I used to work with before she got fired. One day she came to work with a broken arm and claimed her boyfriend pushed her during a fight and she fell. We all were super concerned for her until she came in a week later saying she cut her boyfriend in the hand during a fight to get back at him for breaking her arm.
Then a few weeks later she told everyone she was secretly trying to get pregnant because if she got pregnant her unemployed boyfriend would have to get a job and help pay rent. She got pregnant and her boyfriend immediately dumped her.
33. A Gum Massager?
I used to hang out with this girl at her house when I was 14 or 15 (I am also a girl). One day she came out of her parent’s room with something in her mouth. At first, I didn’t realize what it was but once she sat back down on the couch, I saw that it was … a sex toy. In her mouth. And it was turned on … I kind of flipped out and asked her what the heck she was doing. She said her gums hurt, so she was massaging them.
The bad/sad/disgusting/weird thing was that she didn’t even know what it was. She found it in her parent’s room one day and thought it was for your teeth/gums so she just kept using it regularly. On top of that, her parents knew she used it for that purpose because they walked in and talked to her while she had it in her mouth. I didn’t go back.
32. My Brain Hurts
My cousin. All through public school, she was a snob who looked down on everyone. She was super stylish and struggled academically. We graduated in 2014. We both went to colleges (not the same one). She got a job at a bar, stayed out late drinking. Her boyfriend told her she didn’t need to complete college, so she just stopped showing up. Didn’t drop; just stopped showing up. Completely flunked out. Here comes the mega stupidity: Our families live hours away from her college at the time. Her family went to move her back home. My cousin’s mom noticed a pile of clothes in the corner. The mom said “What’s that, your laundry? Pack it and we’ll wash it when we get home later.” My cousin (I kid you not): “You can wash those?!”
Turns out, she’d been throwing away clothes instead of washing them. She claimed she didn’t know she could, yet she washed her undergarments and bras without a hitch. She’s now at home with her family and has started doing more chores to show an increase in responsibility. She still tries to throw clothes away, citing that she didn’t know they could be washed and reused. Makes me wonder what she thought all those years before college, before she left home. She wore some of the same outfits repeatedly—she had to have known they could be washed.
31. Why Not Season The Food With The Cookies?
When I was in the Navy, there was a cook on my ship. He once served “rare” chicken. I genuinely couldn’t tell whether he was trying to cover up his limitless incompetence or if he genuinely believed that rare poultry is a real thing. He was dumb enough to believe it.
Another time, he just filled a pan with ground beef and called it meatloaf. Another time, he was supposed to make sugar cookies, you know, several hundred of them for the whole crew. He didn’t bother to read the label on the container he opened, and apparently, he didn’t taste the batter at any point, and he actually made salt cookies. He used up all the remaining salt in the pantry and we had unseasoned food for the remaining several weeks of the mission, during which time the captain assigned someone to be the cook’s bodyguard.
30. Small And Capital Numbers
The dumbest person I ever met was my friend’s uncle Franky. Growing up, my buddy and I worked in his father’s insurance office during the summers. One day Uncle Franky comes in to use a computer so he could compose an email. It was the first time; this was in 2009.
As he was trying to add the @ symbol in the recipient’s name, he asked where he could find it. I told him to hold down the shift button and press the number 2 key at the same time. He turned his head, and with a puzzled look his in eyes he asked me, “Wouldn’t that be a capital 2?”
29. Thanks For Taking Care Of The Fire
This is actually my SO’s story but it always makes me laugh. My SO used to work as a squad leader in the military. In his country, they have a 3-month introduction education for the new people. One time, my SO had the task of leading them on a two-day field trip in the middle of the forest. Mind you, it’s February and 5 degrees Fahrenheit at night, at least. So, during the night they set up a guard schedule because someone needs to take care of the fire.
At around 4 a.m., my SO wakes up because he is freezing cold. He walks up to find a new recruit sitting by a cold fireplace. He asked, “Hey recruit, what happened to the fire?” The recruit then answered, “It’s okay sir, I took care of it. Nothing is on fire.”
28. Welcome Back!
My friend’s father robbed a bank in a small town in Indiana where he lived. This was in the late 70s or early 80s. He spent 10 years in prison for the crime. The same day he was released from prison, he robbed the same bank again.
He was caught and back to prison he goes. He did not learn in those 10 years not to rob any banks or anything of that sort. My friend was like “This is what every father does” and did not seem shocked over it.
27. She Got No Time For That!
The first odd thing my brother noticed about his girlfriend was that she never learned to read an analog clock. When my brother offered to teach her, she laughed at him and used a slur at him. She believes that credit cards are free money and the fact that she can’t get another credit card (for not paying) was because “the Jews” were mad that she figured out how to get free money.
She also can’t do math. Like, at all. Single-digit addition requires the use of fingers and she still only gets the right answer about half the time. Subtraction is right out.
26. This Is How You Make Salty Tomatoes
I once had a property manager (person in charge of the rental I lived in since homeowners lived out of state) who did a bunch of obnoxious things. My husband and I thought she was greedy and maybe getting money for herself and hiding it from the homeowners for repairs or something like that because of shady seeming things she would do when we had repairs.
Then we mentioned something about gardening. She said “You know, I’ve always wanted to try growing tomatoes and just watering them with saltwater. That way, the tomatoes would already be salted when you ate them!” Huge reminder to never attribute to malice what is just pure old-fashioned being dumb as a rock.
25. Oh Snap!
A guy I worked with named Buddy bought a huge Snap-On roll-away toolbox for over $3,000, on credit. Two days later, he sold it to a coworker for $1,500 because he had some overdue bills and had to pay them. Needless to say, he never paid Snap-On for the toolbox. He was off into the winds after he was fired for starting his fourth fistfight at work. One of the other guys I worked with told the Snap-On salesman where Buddy’s new job was, and last we heard they are now garnishing his wages.
The guy was a nutcase though. He had very thin skin and the slightest thing would set him off. He’d go absolutely nuts when he was set off though. He yelled at the security guard and threatened to have him fired because he didn’t like his tone. He almost got fired three times for fighting, but he was able to win the department manager over until the fourth time. Oh, and one time he was told to put caution tape across a malfunctioning gate and he said: “I don’t know how.”
24. Easiest Way To “Make” Money
There was a troubled kid I went to high school with. He struggled with school but had friends. Nevertheless, he was starting to use drugs and go down a bad path. He decided to photocopy the front and backside of a $20 bill, cut it out of normal paper, and glue the two halves with Elmer’s glue.
What is even sadder is that to test his new money he went to the gas station and bought some gum and it ACTUALLY WORKED?!? So in his mind, it must have meant that it was fool proof. So he then tried to go and deposit the glued up money at an actual bank. He was obviously found out and arrested. I don’t know where he is now but I’m assuming he is making similar life choices.
23. A Bendable Earth?
I had a boss named Tammy. One night, we were all working late doing stocktake, and we were discussing the impending lunar eclipse. Someone asked what happens during an eclipse.
Tammy grandly explained that the eclipse would occur when America went in front of the moon, blocking our (Australia’s) view of it. Like she literally thought the earth stretched itself into like a U bend or neck pillow shape, and half of it stayed in our normal orbit, and the other half stretched itself over and around to casually block the moon for the rest of the earth.
22. Geography Expert
I worked on a hay press for about a month. Most guys had a high school education. One particular guy was telling me about a girl he was talking to on Tinder (or some various dating/chat app) when he said that she was in New York and that he wanted to go visit her.
I told him that that’s pretty cool and New York will be quite the change from our little town. He then asked me how close New York was … we were in Washington State … he had no idea New York was over 2,000 miles away.
21. Everything On The Internet Is True
So, there’s this woman who works with me. Eva. She’s the stupidest person I’ve ever met. One day I overheard her saying that the oldest man alive is 600 years old.
When confronted she said in a very defensive yell-y way “I SAW IT ON THE INTERNET! THEY HAD PICTURES!!!” Then she got really angry because people wouldn’t believe her.
20. Because That’s How Jesus Would’ve Wanted It
I knew a guy in high school who I’m 99% sure only passed because he cheated like crazy and got tons of people to do his work for him. In grade 11 he was taking some kind of politics course and was writing some kind of essay on American politics—we’re from Canada.
I agreed to edit his essay and it was the most insane thing I have ever had to edit. There were multiple sentences that I couldn’t understand until I asked him directly, he ended his essay with the phrase “just like Jesus would have wanted”—I don’t even think he was Christian? He also spelled Condoleeza Rice as “Conga Lisa Rice.”
This French-Italian guy I used to work with. I could seriously write a book about how ignorant, idiotic, and illogical this man was, but this story sums it up pretty well: He’s against vaccinations because he thinks everything in the world is a government conspiracy and he’s also a nature freak who believes in homeopathy. He believes clay has a lot of almost supernatural healing qualities. When he lived in Denmark, he and his wife couldn’t enroll their son in kindergarten unless he had some basic vaccinations because that’s the law.
So they went to get the boy vaccinated, but as soon as he got the shot and they walked out of the doctor’s office, he took the bandage off and slapped a lump of clay on the boy’s arm right where he got the shot. This, he believed, would suck the liquid that was in the syringe out of the boy’s veins and get absorbed into the clay to be disposed of safely. So, in his mind he had basically “un-vaccinated” the boy and the silly reptilian surgeon general had no idea! Haha, in your face NWO! It’s kind of a happy ending though; stupidity saved the day and the boy now has the vaccinations he should despite his insane father.
18. Pickles From The Ocean
I used to manage a restaurant and there was this girl Emily who was legendarily dumb. I have a thousand stories about her but my fave involves Subway. So one day Emily comes into my office complaining of a hangover whilst toting a sub from Subway and going on about how it was the only cure for a hangover, etc.
Anyway, I ask her what kind of sub she got, to which she replies, “Pickle, cucumber and mayo.” I say, “So you spent $10 on a cucumber and mayonnaise sandwich?” And she says “No! It has pickles on it too!” I then say that, “Pickles are just vinegar-soaked cucumbers, so it’s basically just a cucumber and mayo sandwich.” Her mouth drops. “No way!?” She exclaims. I then had to explain to her the basics of pickling. When I asked her where she thought pickles came from, she replied “The ocean?” I miss that girl.
17. Nope, SIDS Makes People Immune Against Everything
I had a guy in a third year undergrad developmental psych course raise his hand in a full lecture hall and ask the professor; “Prof, do infants diagnosed with SIDS get asthma later in life … like are they more likely to get asthma??” SIDS stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. He just kept pursuing the question, the prof didn’t understand how she could answer it, she thought there was some kind of logic in it that she wasn’t seeing.
Finally, some girl took the initiative to shout across the room, “No they are not more likely to get asthma; they are dead. They have died suddenly, and will thus not be at risk of developing asthma.” Great day. He always sat in front of me and I would see him writing just absolutely horrible poetry and song lyrics.
16. Blind People Play Real Music
Back when I was in middle school, I was playing Guitar Hero with the neighbor, and he asks: “Hey man, why does the yellow button have a bump on it?” And for whatever reason, I, without missing a beat, say, “So blind people can play, and they know where to put their fingers.”
We both accepted this as the obvious answer, and my brother was sitting on the couch watching and he was like: “Are you two completely stupid? How would a blind person play this game? Think about it for a second.” I felt pretty stupid after that.
15. So Cheesy
Once at a restaurant in New Orleans, my friend ordered macaroni and cheese. At the table with about 15 other people he says out loud, “How did macaroni and cheese become a thing?” To which I replied, “What do you mean?” He says, “I mean, it’s so redundant, you know?”
I then asked, “What? How is macaroni and cheese redundant?” And he says “Think about it. You’ve got cheese and then you have pasta, which is made of cheese.” Yup, he thought all pasta was made of cheese.
14. Yup, You Failed Science For A Reason
I was the stupid one. I failed a science test. I decided that I would just burn the grade and it would no longer exist. So I’m sitting in my bedroom with the door open. I make sure I’m on the carpet for safety reasons and I just grab the entire test—which was roughly three pages—and light the corner.
My brother walked down at the right time and saw me. The paper went up instantly. I had no idea it was going to be that fast! In movies, it would always slowly burn so you can see what the message was before the evidence was erased. My 12-year-old brother quickly put it out with his hands. And later, my mom found a small stain on the carpet. My brother didn’t get burned or rat me out. Or if he did, no one told me. Clearly, I failed science for a reason…
13. When Panic Sets In
My brother and I were in the kitchen one day as teenagers. My brother was filling the sink to wash dishes. When the sink was nearly full, he went to turn the tap off but it wouldn’t budge so the water kept flowing. I tried turning it too but with no success. This is when the panic set in. The level of the water was rising fast and we didn’t want to flood the kitchen. He took big saucepans out of the press to fill with water to keep things from overflowing, while I was in a frantic scramble under the sink trying to find the mains to turn it off there. I couldn’t find it!! Now really panicking I took over the pot filling duty and my brother went running off to look for dad as quickly as he could.
Dad came running in with my brother while we were shouting at him about looking for the mains. Dad just came over to the sink and pulled the plug out of the hole letting all the water down the drain.
12. Dumber Than A Bag Of Rocks
A girl my dad dated for a while. Even while dating her, my dad would say she was dumber than a bag of rocks. One day, she sat down to watch a movie with my dad. The movie was all about this guy and his twin brother. She sits and watches the whole thing, no interruptions.
At the end, she turns and asks, “So there were two of him?” That would explain why she always had the TV turned to a music channel. Apparently, she couldn’t follow normal TV or movies.
11. Tales From The Monkey Lab
I worked at a monkey lab with a guy who refused to wear seat belts. He said, “I’ve been in three accidents and every time the only place I’m hurt is from the seat belt.” I also worked with another guy at the monkey lab who worked the graveyard shift. He’d take the work truck, drive 80 miles to pick up a hooker, drive the hooker to his trailer, do the deed, then drive the hooker back. He’d get drunk at some point during this. I’m not sure when, but in the mornings he’d sometimes smell like booze and the truck would be on empty.
And for the “alleged” story. There are the two guys who stole a monkey and realized they had no way of fencing the said monkey. They said it crawled down a drain and the monkey lab stuck with that because they had no proof they stole the monkey. I’m guessing it was buried in a nearby ditch or field.
10. “I Bet My Family Owned Yours!”
Back in my younger and crankier days, I worked with a young woman who was hands down the dumbest person I’ve ever met. Her highlights include winning a basket auction that included a copy of The Beach Boys’ classic album Pet Sounds and complains because she “didn’t want to hear a lot of mooing.” On a day she was driving me up a wall I convinced her to wait to open her bottle of Coke because the bottle said there was a winner every five minutes. She was disappointed she didn’t win after waiting for exactly five minutes. I, however, enjoyed her sulky silence for the rest of the day.
The best/worst one involved her chatting with a manager who was African American (she’s white). They were discussing their shared slightly uncommon name and then realized their families both came from South Carolina. She thought for a few minutes and then excitedly exclaimed, “I bet my family owned yours!” She was so proud of herself for figuring out that historic connection. The manager didn’t say a word and just walked away.
9. When You Get Hyped
I was lifeguarding at a frat party. My lifeguard friends all told me not to lifeguard for this group but I had my certifications freshly renewed and they were paying really really well so I took on the challenge. I would not recommend. There was a very drunk guy who offered me a drink when I was standing. I said no (I was guarding the water). Afterwards, this same guy gets a full beer, not even open, and bashes it against his head and screams “Whoooo!” He is bleeding from his head now and recognizes, is shocked for a second, then it hypes him up even more.
He then dives head first into the dirty 6-foot pool filled with people. This water was shallow; he literally could’ve paralyzed himself. I was blowing my whistle at everything he was doing and when he gets out, he can’t understand why I am frustrated and tries to flirt with me. Mid-sentence, he recognizes he lost his Ray-Bans (stupid expensive shades) in the murky water and asks me to drain the pool. This dude was just such an idiot and acted stupidly the entire three hours while his even more stupid friends hyped him up.
8. That’s Not How It Works, Mate!
My roommate for the last three years once said that if solar technology keeps advancing at the rate it is, we will absorb all the energy made by the sun and fix global warming.
Not five minutes later after attempting to inform this poor fellow about how the sun’s energy output is not determined by what the energy eventually interacts with, he states that wind farms are worse because they cause tropical storms. I hope he is just an epic troll. I just … I don’t know …
7. I Hope She Becomes A Good Accountant
I worked with a woman who became a dear friend. While I adore her, she’s … not the brightest. She didn’t believe me when I told her that Native Americans lived on the East Coast of the U.S. and still do. She insisted that they only lived in “Oklahoma … or the Southwest … or the Northwest, whatever.”
She once wondered (out loud) if we could see Earth in the sky … from Earth. I mentioned that I have a friend who’s an archaeologist and the friend had worked in Greece. My coworker said, “What’s there to dig up in Greece, anyways?” I had to explain basic cardinal directions to her. Basic geography in general. This woman is now working on her MBA and wants to become an accountant. I’m scared.
6. What Kind Of Meat Are You?
We were on a drive through an animal park. We see an animal. She asks “what kind of meat would that one be?” Someone replies “Oh, it’d probably taste similar to beef I’d imagine.”
A few minutes later we see a different animal. She asks “and what about that one? Would it be, like, a fillet or a T-bone or something?” Then I realized that this woman thinks different cuts of meat come from different animals.
5. Relax, It’s Not Poisonous!
At a restaurant years ago, and this guy ordered a soup. He pulled a bay leaf out of the soup and went freaking mental, “THERE’S A LEAF IN MY SOUP” and was convinced it was off the tree outside.
The manager continued to explain it’s a bay leaf–an ingredient for flavor and this guy wasn’t having it. Since then, any time my wife cooks a soup we treat the leaf like the bean in a cake and whoever finds it gets free reign over being super grumpy (as long as it’s in a jest).
4. But Why?
I had a friend that was dumber than a bag of hair. She did and said some remarkably stupid things over the years but I think my favorite was when I got a wood stove.
My central heat was expensive and not heating the house very efficiently so when I got a better than expected tax refund I used the money to buy a wood-burning stove to help heat my house. My friend’s response: “But why though? Winter is almost over.”
3. Did He Predict He’s Going To Get Fired?
I used to work with a kid at a movie theater. He claimed he could see the future and said he had a premonition that we would bring back the old Coke machines. The old Coke machines don’t even work anymore because they were scrapped for parts. He loved to cosplay and was blown away by the amount of cosplayers he saw when Justice League came out. We had maybe six customers that were dressed up. He thought he started a trend. He showed up to work on his first day of orientation and training at 10 p.m. He was scheduled for 5 p.m. He lived on the other side of town and walked. When asked why he didn’t leave earlier if he was walking his reply was “I didn’t think of that.”
That same week, he took a 15-minute break and vanished for two hours. When my coworker found him he said the line at Subway was really long. He also said the first Jumanji movie was supposed to be about a video game but video games weren’t invented yet so they scrapped the idea. He probably thought the world didn’t exist until he was born.
2. It’s Really Bad
The boys and I were chatting in our WhatsApp group when suddenly one of my mates said, “Oh heck, guys, I dropped my phone and the screen cracked real bad.”
Some of us were curious and wanted to know how bad the damage was to see if we can fix it and I kid you not, the said friend took a screenshot of the chat and asked: “So, how bad is it?”
1. The Place Is Familiar, Isn’t It?
I have a friend named Rachel. Now this one night in high school, we all got the munchies and decided to go get ourselves some late night Sonic. We pile into Rachel’s car even though we’ve heard stories about her bad driving but that’s another story.
Anyway, she asks us how to get to Sonic and we proceed to give her directions turn for turn until we finally pull into the Sonic parking lot. Upon our arrival, she smirks and says, “Oh I work here!”