If you’ve ever been around children, no matter how old or how young, chances are, you’ve found humor in something they’ve said. As the old expression goes, “kids say the darnedest things”.
Teachers, more than any other profession, experience this on a daily basis.
As you’d expect, thousands of teachers take to Reddit to share their hilarious classroom stories. For your viewing pleasure, we’ve assembled the funniest, most adorable accounts of teachers who witnessed students saying the most hilarious things imaginable.
Here are true stories from teachers who experienced pure comedy in their classrooms (and tried their best not to laugh!).
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1. She wanted ‘nun’ of that
Former Catholic school teacher here. The first grade teacher at the school I taught at was a nun, Sister Katherine. She had a particularly naughty little girl in her class one year, prone to tantrums, trouble following directions, hitting others and herself, throwing fits and the like.
Apparently, after refusing an instruction given to her and being threatened to call her father, the little girl announced to Sister Katherine with a devilish grin that, “My daddy says he’d LOVE to see you in a swimwear.”
2. She REALLY needed to let that one out
In the school’s cafeteria I overhead one of the little girls shout, “Mrs. Thomas farted!” I was nearby and heard everything, so I told the little girl that was a normal human body sound.
She turned around and began telling me about her mom being the loudest farter. She said, “One time my mom farted downstairs so loud it woke me up. I was so scared at first, it sounded like a stranger was breaking into our house!”
She was serious as she told the story. I tried to get her to stop, but she really needed to let that one out (sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun!).
3. A is for Adorable
I teach 6th grade english. Last year, I caught a student that had plagiarized a few paragraphs in one of her papers. I had her stay after class ended and asked if she had plagiarized her paper.
Her eyes got huge, she welled up and then she said, “I did! I’m so sorry! I was so tired and had so much work and my mom told me to do it and said you would never find out.”
Then with the most serious expression she moved closer to me and whispered, “And now I know that she’s the devil… So can I have an A?!” I didn’t laugh even though I really wanted to.
4. A star is born
I’m an ESL teacher. I decided to teach the first graders the classic song “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”. It seemed to go well and we moved on to something else.
While absorbed in the new activity the little boy at the front was quietly singing the new song he had just learned, “Head, shoulders, cheese and toast, cheese and toast.” Close enough I guess.
5. Substitute. She is a SUBstitute
Last spring, a fearless first grader in my school walked into her classroom one morning to find a substitute teacher at the front of the room.
She went up to the substitute and introduced herself and the asked, “Are you Mr. Ben‘s pr0stitute?” The substitute smiled and responded, “Well, I am the SUBstitute teacher. My name is Miss Kath.”
In a continued effort to welcome the guest to her class, the student turned and loudly announced to the rest of the class, “Everyone, this is our pr0stitute today, Miss Kath!” After more than 20 years, this may be my FAVORITE STORY. EVER.
6. “Look, I can spell my mom’s name!”
I’m a preschool teacher, so I’m not sure if any stories I have would count as students saying “dumb” things, but I found this exchange hilarious nonetheless.
Student A: I can spell my mom’s name!
Me: Oh yeah? How do you spell it?
Student A: M-O-M
Student B: That’s how you spell MY mom’s name, too!
Me: Guess what kids?! That’s how I spell my mom’s name too!
7. You have what?
One of my students was holding his hand over his throat. Very seriously, he said “I have a hickey.” Immediately, I became alarmed. “Daniel, what do you mean, you have a hickey?”
He paused a long time like he was struggling for words. All of a sudden, his head popped up. He smiled and said “It’s OK, my hickeys are all gone!” It was then I realized he was talking about hiccups!
8. Oops! That didn’t come out right
One time in my fourth grade class a couple police officers came into the classroom to teach the kids about illegal substances as part of the D.A.R.E. program.
For some reason, they brought in a bunch of paraphernalia to show kids what kind of things to avoid. An officer held up a piece and goes, “This here is a cr@ck pipe.” Then one of the kids shouted out, “Hey, my dad has one of those!” Knowing he was probably making a mistake, one of the other students shouted, “Ryan, do you want your dad to get in trouble?!”
9. She’s not a man. But my mom has one too!
We were talking about the difference between men and women. Going over the body parts that make us different… you get the picture. Suddenly, one of the little boys shouts, “My mom has one, too!”
We said, “Oh no sweetie, she doesn’t,” but he insists she does and the adults in the classroom become incredibly uncomfortable. After a while he says, “My mom HAS one, only it is not attached to her body, she keeps it in the drawer by the bed.”
10. Math… Who needs it?
One of my students comes from a family full of police officers (father, mother, grandfather, uncle, etc). As you’d expect, she’s very proud of that and makes sure all the students and teachers know that she’s going to become a police officer too.
It’s cute, but now she’s stopped doing any work that doesn’t relate to being a police officer. I tried telling her that she had failed her previous three math exams and was sure to fail for the year if she didn’t start studying. Her response was classic; “I’m going to be a Criminal Justice major, so I can be a police officer. I don’t need Math. All I need to do is point and shoot.”
11. At least they aren’t naked this time
Here’s the funniest and slightly saddest thing that occurred when I was teaching first grade. One of the little girls in my class (who was absolutely sweet and adorable) got picked up by her dad and his girlfriend.
The two adults were very touchy feely, considering they were in a classroom full of 6-year-olds. I went up to them and asked them politely to knock it off. The daughter then says out loud, “But Miss Hayden, at least they aren’t naked this time!”
12. My grandpa is in the vase and never comes out to play
I was helping a kindergartner with some reading, and we were reading a story about fathers.
The little girl stops and says, ‘My mom still has her father!’ I said ‘That’s good,’ and she responds with, “Yep, he’s in a vase in the living room! But I don’t think he likes me anymore because he never comes out to play.” I guess she was just a little too young to understand the concept of cremation.
13. Sorry but it’s too late, kid
It was a couple years ago, I cannot remember exactly what the student was doing but he was out of his seat and I’d already reprimanded him twice. So in my teacher voice I say ‘Michael! You need to step outside of my classroom right now!’
He sings back in a perfect Justin Bieber voice “Is it too late now to say sorrrrrrry?” I laughed but then quickly recovered to teacher voice and said it was most definitely too late and he needed to wait for me in the hallway!
14. The super secret “Sun Power”
I tutor a group of teenagers on Sundays in China. One of the funniest things I remember was a student asked me “Why are black people so good at sports?” They usually ask me a lot of black people questions because I am black and they are super curious.
Because I like them to think for themselves — especially when I don’t really have an answer — I asked her if she had an explanation. She said “Well I know the sun doesn’t hurt their skin so much. So maybe they have Sun Power.” I thought that was an awesome and creative answer so I went along with it.
15. Goldfish to the rescue!
After noticing that one student brought Captain Crunch cereal for lunch every day, I felt it was necessary to start my nutrition lessons early in the school year. We began by discussing sources of protein.
The kids listed popular sources of protein; eggs, cheese, meat, nuts, fish, etc. The next day, my “cereal” student rushed up to me and proudly announce that she brought a healthy protein choice; “Look! I’ve got a healthy lunch today! Goldfish ! You said there’s a lot of protein in fish, right?!”
16. “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
I had a third grade student who was always cracking me up with phrases he obviously heard at home from his parents and older brothers.
When the announcements came on at the end of the day announcing a bus delay due to weather, a little boy (all bundled up in full coat, gloves, etc.), yelled, ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that! I need to get home!
17. Can you wrestle more often, please?
I’ve been a teaching assistant in an elementary school for 20 years now. I should write a book about all the funny things these crazy kids have said over the years.
In a first grade classroom I overheard a group of 6-year-old kids talking about what they did while their parents “practiced wrestling”. One of the little boys was especially proud, “When my Mom and Dad practice wrestling I get to eat a whole bowl of ice cream and watch whatever movie I want!”
18. The true definition of ‘Polite’
I’m an elementary school gym teacher. I had the funniest experience playing catch with one of the 7-year-olds in my school.
I made a terrible throw that went sailing over her head. I say, “Sorry, that was a bad throw.” She stops, gives me a kind look and says, “No Mr. Riley, that was a wonderful throw!”
She takes a few steps towards the ball, stops again, turns back around and says, “When we say something nice, even when we don’t mean it, that’s called being polite, right?”
19. Kids are ALWAYS listening
Earlier this year I was approached by one of my kindergarteners in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “Johnny just called me a baby!” So I walked over to him and asked if he called her a baby.
The little boy shouted: “No, no, no! I said ‘Hey baby!’ You know like what the dad says to the mom when he calls her and wants her to come over for the night.”
20. Some kids are way too honest
During the Christmas/Holiday classroom party, a boy comes up to me with a gift bag (obviously re-used) and says:
“Here you go Mrs. Wilson! My mom got this present and she didn’t want it and she called everyone in our family and they didn’t want it either so she said to just bring it to school and give it to you!”
21. Good touch. Bad touch.
I worked as an assistant at a YMCA after-school program. I’ll never forget the time when one of the 1st grade girls walked up to me and grabbed my butt as I was talking with one of the parents.
A counselor witnessed this, told her she was wrong and asked why she did that. The little girl said, “That’s what my mommy does to my daddy before he goes to work.”
22. “We all got nipples”
I’m an art teacher at an elementary school. I was explaining self portraits to one of my kindergarten classes. I reminded them that everyone’s portrait will have the same body parts (nose, eyes, lips, etc) but they will be drawn uniquely to look like you.
A child raises her hand and asks “Are we supposed to draw nipples? We all got nipples.” It took me awhile to realize that the kid meant moles!
23. I’m not sure if that was a compliment
Last year one of my students came in with a gleaming smile and excitedly said, “Miss Ranger! Guess what?!” Not waiting for an answer, he added, “I got a new puppy! And guess what I named him?!”
I’m trying to match his enthusiasm, so I say; “Wow! A new puppy! How exciting! I don’t have a clue—what did you name him?!”
Student: “I named him Mr. Ranger because he looks just like you!”
24. Raise your hand if you want to leave
The funniest thing I’ve ever experienced in a classroom happened at the beginning of this year. At one point all the students were doing their assignments and on task. It was a lovely few minutes! LOL.
Anyway, this one girl all of a sudden yelled out “I’m tired of this! Raise your hand if you want to go home!” Well, of course most of the kids raised their hands, so she instructed them to march to their locker and pack up for the day. I tried not to laugh but I couldn’t resist.
After the laughter stopped, I proceeded to take away her recess for the rest of the week.
25. The first person to fart on America
I teach second grade and I began talking about Christopher Columbus for a small lesson around the holiday.
I asked if one of my students could tell me why he was so important. It got extremely quiet and I hear one of the boys said, “oh I know, he was the first person to fart on America!”
After the laughter died down, one of the other students attempted to correct him by saying, “the Native Americans were the first to fart on America.”
26. Like a Boss
I’m a counselor at a summer camp. One of the kids had an obsession with playing in the mud.
When we asked him to stop, he stood up, and smeared it on his face, like battle paint. He proceeds to shout, “My Daddy says it doesn’t matter if you look nice as long as you look like a BOSS!” The kid was seven.
27. Milk does a body good
I worked in a kindergarten class, so I’ve heard a lot of GOLDEN lines. My favorite came from a little boy a few years back.
Cute Little Boy: “Does milk make your teeth strong?”
Me: “Yes, it has calcium in it, and that makes your teeth and bones strong.”
Cute Little Boy: “Well, then I need to stop drinking milk, because my teeth must be too strong. Maybe that’s why it hurts my brother when I bite him.”
28. A little lesson on puberty
I was chaperoning a field trip to the zoo for a large group of elementary school kids. During some downtime from learning about the animals some of the boys approached me and asked me about puberty. Rather than avoid the topic I thought it would be helpful to give them some basic info on the subject, as I am a teacher and educating children is my job.
So I told this group of 5th grade boys that they’d start to see the girls get taller, the boy’s voices become deeper, and they’ll all start to get bumps on their faces and chins. A kid raises his hand and says, ‘My mom said not to kiss girls with bumps near their lips.’
29. A future Lawyer
I’m an elementary school teacher. The kids were practicing their times tables and the question said something along the lines of, ‘John lives in his house with his mom, dad, brother, and grandpa. How many total hands do the people in John’s house have all together?’
The answer I was looking for was 10 and I wanted the students to show that 2×5=10. This young man instead wrote, “Not enough information. What if someone lost a hand?” It wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but it was pretty clever.
30. My dad is a ‘Doctor’
One of the boys in my class wasn’t feeling well, so I put my hand on his head to see if he had a fever. I said, “Trust me, I’m a doctor” and without warning he jumped backed and questioned me, “Are you really a doctor?”
Me: “No, it’s just a saying.”
Student: “Well you shouldn’t say that. My daddy pretended to be a doctor and he got in big trouble.”
31. Every babies secret weapon
My first grade class was learning the word ‘powerful.’
Kids came up with examples of powerful things and people, like elephants and superman. Then one boy shouts from the back of the classroom, “Babies are powerful because they can cry and get whatever they want.” I’m a mother of 3 kids, all under the age of 5, I tend to think that’s a pretty accurate statement.
32. “Your hair looks like a bird’s nest”
I work at a community center that hosts a preschool and an after-school program, so there’s a very wide age range. One (smart) little kid comes up to me and we have this delightful dialogue.
Child: Your hair looks like a bird’s nest. (I have long curly hair that afro’s a bit)
Me: That’s because birds live in my hair.
Me: Yeah, they’re the kind of birds that eat little kids with red hair and green eyes and are named Tristan.
Child: (looks at my hair with uncertainty then stares deep into my eyes with cold focus and says) Show me. Now.
33. The Titanic crashed into the Eiffel Tower?
I showed my third grade students a picture of the Titanic on the top of the Eiffel Tower so it would be easier for them to understand how the boat split in half.
One student asked, “How they got the big boat to balance while they took the photo?” The whole class cracked up and I gently explained things to her.
34. Angels & Demons
My first year of teaching I had a terribly naughty little boy (he tried to pull the fire alarm on the first day of school). About midway through the year he drew a picture and brought it up to show me.
He pointed to the pictures saying, “Look, this is me and on my shoulders I drew those two guys that tell you to do good things or bad things. I like to listen to the bad one!”